You know how you always hurt the ones you love, well it goes both ways. – Fight Club
Lost
What the Hell? Everyone knows I love Lost, but I am damned tired of seeing Locke’s back-story. I’m tired of the back-stories in general, but Locke’s really ticks me off because they never explain how he ended up in the wheelchair. I already know that he had a screwed up relationship with his father and I know Helen left him. I know he tends to trust people he shouldn’t. Put your sledgehammer away. This back-story was a total waste of time and if they tell one more Locke story without telling me how he ended up in the wheelchair, I may have to quit watching.
South Park
Hey Parker and Stone, what the Hell? I love your show too, but you guys are the last people in the world to complain about people being smug. Not only was this episode way too smug about other people being smug, it also didn’t have a single laugh out loud moment. Even last week’s attack on Isaac Hayes made me laugh a couple of times, but this one just wasn’t funny. How about doing an episode that isn’t about some social problem? How about you just relax with the social problems until you find your funny again?
Smallville
What the Hell? I thought Lana and Clark broke up already! Did you put them back together just so you could have Clark totally rip Lana’s heart out? The episode itself would have been fine . . . if I you hadn’t already had them break up! Start paying attention to your own episodes please.
Free Ride
What the Hell? Are you guys airing your shows out of order or what? Last week’s episode was about Nate getting a job . . . a job I don’t remember him losing. This week’s episode is about Nate . . . getting a job! What the hell? I want to like your show but you need to run them in order and you need to find more for him to do then get bad jobs. Also, the blonde girl he went out with last week was WAY cooler than the one you have him crushing on. Get her back on the show ASAP.
Teachers
What the Hell? Shakespeare? Hamlet? Every damned time a teacher connects with a student does it have to be Shakespeare? How about a little Milton? How about some Faulkner? I’d settle for some William Carlos Williams. I vote that shows and movies about high school be outlawed from mentioning Shakespeare, 1984, The Catcher in the Rye or On the Road ever again. Come up with some new material. The Bard is played.
The Crocodile Hunter
What the Hell? How is this Steve Irwin still alive? I think it is time to start a Steve Irwin death pool. Name the year, month and the creature that kills this guy. Winner gets a free stuffed animal in the likeness of whatever causes his death.
Now I been sayin’ that shit for years. And if you ever heard it, it meant your ass. I never really questioned what it meant. I thought it was just some cold-blooded shit to say to a motherfucker before I popped a cap in his ass. But I saw some shit this mornin’ made me think twice. Now I’m thinkin’: it could mean you’re the evil man, & I’m the righteous man. And Mr. 9mm here, he’s the shepherd protecting my righteous ass in the valley of darkness. Or it could be you’re the righteous man, and I’m the shepherd… and it’s the world that’s evil and selfish. I’d like that. But that shit ain’t the truth. The truth is you’re the weak. And I’m the tyranny of evil men. But I’m tryin’, Ringo… I’m tryin’ real hard to be The Thursday Night Bullet Points.
Delta Burke took a spill off of a riser at rehersals for her new play Southern Baptist Sissies yesterday, breaking her ankle & delaying the play’s opening. She was the only one hurt, and the immediate vicinity has so far only reported minor damage like a few broken windows, and items knocked off of grocery store shelves.
M. Night Shyamalan is releasing a children’s book. Probably one scary-ass children’s book.
Paula Abdul has signed a deal with Fox to appear on at least 3 more seasons of American Idol. No specifics were released, but her agent says the deal should be enough to keep her in booze & quaaludes for a very long time.
Julia Roberts made her Broadway debut yesterday in the preview for the highly anticipated play Three Days Of Rain. The production is her first big project after the birth of her twins, Phinneas & Hazel, aside from her brief contribution to the book Names Your Children Will Change The Second It Is Legally Possible.
Tom Jones was knighted yesterday by Queen Elizabeth II. Following the ceremony, the iconic Welsh crooner stuffed The Queen’s panties in his pocket, and quickly snuck away before she had a chance to see Mars Attacks.
Will & Grace continues it’s non-stop stunt casting tonight with an appearance by Britney Spears. Really guys? Do we hafta wait until May to kill this off?
James Marsters will show up again on Smallville tonight. He looks so short, doesn’t he? I guess I’m just used to seeing him standing next to Buffy.
Paul Reiser celebrates his 49th birthday today. Earlier this year the Mad About You star marked the 7th anniversary of the death of his career.
And Celine Dion celebrates her 38th birthday today. Still no word on any kind of contingencey plan to prevent her eventual crushing the earth under the weight of her enormous head.
That’s it for The Bullets this week, kids. And the next time someone tells you that smoking doesn’t make you look cool, give ‘em two words. Humphrey Bogart.
Monday night marked the return of Everwood, the only family drama on television worth watching. Why is it a great show? Because everybody has their flaws but nobody is truly bad, just like in real life. The parents give good advice and bad advice. The kids screw up one minute then redeem themselves the next. The scenery is gorgeous and the dialog crackles without calling attention to itself. This is a show worth watching, so watch it before the new “CW” network blows its chance to fit it in the fall lineup.
The best part of this great show is Bright Abbott. Bright has transformed over the past three years from horny, self-obsessed high school jock into horny self-obsessed community college nobody who genuinely adores his Jesus-loving, no-sex before marriage girlfriend. Bright turned horny maleness into a Zen art form and I feel the need to share some of his personal wit and wisdom, starting with tonight’s episode and working backwards.
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Six months in a Hannah healthy relationship. I think I get a pin soon.
What did you get, a D? And SEE ME? Oh my God that’s never good, especially when it’s all capitalized like that.
Don’t be a hater. I got a B+. anything above that is pretty much an A.
If Jennifer can get over Brad, you can get over my sister. We’re gonna find your happy!
She’s gone. Ms. Pac Man. Did somebody call 911?
Sometimes your pride comes before your nads. Not often, but sometimes.
Do you think if aliens would probe you, you’d still be considered a virgin?
I have to go help my dad. If I die and don’t go to Heaven, I’m gonna be so pissed.
I know you don’t want to have sex because of the Bible, but I was thinking like, I’m not sure that there’s anything in there that says you can’t take your girlfriend’s bra off.
She’s not going to have premarital sex until she’s married.
Sorry! Sometimes I forget how young she is. She’s got the Dakota Fanning thing going on, she acts like a 40-year-old. She freaks me out.
You’re a social black hole, all light goes into you and dies.
I thought we agreed that you were going to stop insulting me in Spanish.
I will smother you with my ass cheeks if I have to!
Personally, I’d call him an asshat!
Hannah, if you say ‘thank you’ or ’sorry’ one more time, I think I’m gonna have to kill myself.
The funny thing is, I keep coming up with more names to put on the list, … like Taco Bell chick, with the clock tattoo. Or was it Taco Time chick with the bell tattoo?
I would like to thank 24 for not overly torturing us (or Audrey) last night. This season has been so balls-out brutal that I had really been dreading the Jack/Audrey confrontation all week. But it was handled just right. Sure, he’s one of the biggest badasses on TV… but he’s also the show’s moral compass, and it was nice to see that again.
And a special thanks to Fox for not immediately blowing the cliffhanger! The ending of last night’s episode left us in a situation where there might be some doubt as to Jack’s survival. Now, I’m almost positive they won’t kill off Jack, at least not mid-season. But it was still nice to see that he wasn’t in the scenes from next week’s episode.
Family Feud is celebrating its 30th anniversary by revamping the old set and kicking former host Richard Karn to death, metaphorically. Now John O’Hurley, the man who sounds like he loves every idea he’s ever had, will have the job of pointing at a series of numbers dramatically.
Why get rid of Richard Karn after five years, just to bring in someone with a personality? I mean, if personality was what they wanted, they never would have hired Karn in the first place. Karn is about as pleasantly bland as any person walking the earth. He is the sort of guy you would invite to a dinner party, just because you secretly think he spends his nights watching Lassie reruns with tears in his eyes.
Well, welcome to the revolving host gig, John. Remember the four rules of hosting Family Feud.
Say hello to EVERYBODY
Tell the little old ladies how cute they are
Try not to let your eyes bug out when you hear the outrageously stupid answers people give
You’ll never be as good as Richard Dawson, so don’t make the mistake Peter made
Mitch Hurwitz, the creator of the series Arrested Development has turned down an offer from Showtime to move the show to their network. By way of explanation he said he didn’t think he could continue to maintain the series quality and would rather end it on a high creative note. This pretty much means the end of Arrested Development.
I am more than a little upset. I’m sure Hurwitz put a lot of thought into this, but for those of us who supported the series and wanted so much to see it survive, this is a bit of a slap in the face. It pretty much says that no matter what we did, the show was dead. So why did we bother? Even FOX can feel better about their decision. Why feel bad about canceling a show the creator was ready to give up on?
Oh well. At least now I don’t have to spring for Showtime. That’s 35 less showings ofLord of the G-Strings I’ll have to sit through.
You are the FOX Network. You green light a pilot called Heat Vision and Jack, produced by Ben Stiller and starring Jack Black and Owen Wilson. The show is about an astronaut traveling the country on a motorcycle that contains the intelligence of his ex-roommate. The astronaut is brilliantly intelligent when exposed to sunlight but merely an average guy at night. He is being tracked across the country by the actor Ron Silver. The show is hilarious but obviously offbeat. What do you do?
A. That many stars? Put that thing on the air NOW!
B. Offbeat? Why don’t you try it out after the Simpsons?
C. Give it the old Fox treatment, put it on Monday, then move it to Friday, then pull it for three months then air it opposite the Olympics.
D. Get so scared you never even run the show at all, only to have it turn up on the Internet years later and get downloaded by the millions of people who will never respect FOX again.
Enough is enough. You have done only one movie since 1994. One movie doesn’t cut it.
As one of your ticket-buying friends, I would like to see you a little more often. Every few months I check IMDB in the vain hope that I will see a new movie listed, but no, nothing.
I figured you stopped acting because you wanted to spend more time with your kids, but let’s face it; they’re getting more work than you these days. They both appeared last year in The Squid and the Whale. Kevin is still out there working too, so why not you?
If that weren’t bad enough, now I find out you are spending your days running a fashion boutique in New York. Obviously working is still a part of your life, so why not do a movie? I don’t care if it is a silly Princess Caraboo farce or an indie drama like The Anniversary Party — whatever you want. I’ll watch, and I guarantee a lot of my friends will go too. You don’t have to move to Hollywood or get too deep in the business, but one film every three or four years wouldn’t kill you would it?
One of the great things about being a blogger is how you get to instantly share things you’re thinking at any given moment with the readers of the blog in question. This particular blog is getting about 60 hits a day, so I know there’s an audience out there.
I’ve been dissing significant parts pop culture for the last few weeks… and I plan to continue to do so. It’s my way of biting the hand that feeds me. But I was reminded by a friend tonight that I am merely standing on the shoulders of giants. Talk Soup. Jon Stewart. David Spade. Dennis Miller.
And tonight, since I have nothing original to post… I feel the burning desire to acknowledge one of my very favorite deriders of the zeitgeist… one of my heroes. Don’t worry, I shall get back to making inappropriate remarks about fuck-stick celebrities soon enough. For now… I would like to share with all of you this song.
That 70s Show recently wrapped up its eighth and final season. It was a season in which the show continued despite having lost two of its main cast members, Topher Grace as Eric and Ashton Kutcher as Kelso. Which of the following would be the most similar loss for a popular television show?
A. Family Guy without Brian and Stewie
B. Friends without Chandler and Joey
C. Family Ties without Alex and Mallory
D. Lost in Space without Lost and Space
E. Where the hell was Fez from anyway? I hope they reveal that in the series finale. Otherwise, it’s gonna suck as bad as the end of X-Files.
I’ve just seen V for Vendetta and I was excited to see what an important role Guy Fawkes played in England’s history. It adds a whole new layer of irony and detachment to the episode of Daria that featured Guy Fawkes. The first time I saw the episode, I wondered who he was. Now, I know. Without further ado, here is the wit and wisdom of Guy Fawkes as presented by Daria:
Bollocks!
Well, it’s like, mmm… bollocks, is what it’s like.
Have you noticed how completely imbecilic your country is?
Good. Maybe we’ll sound decent for once.
You shut up!
Pouring coffee is for wankers.
Well, I’d probably say… bollocks! But that’s just a natural reflex.
But proms are for tossers!
You’re the D.J.? That’s it! We’re boycotting!
You mean those colonial wankers are in charge?
(singing) So I’m a bleeding holiday, there’s more to my life than that, I say I got normal dreams, normal desires, want to drive a normal car with normal tires, yeah! I’m a teen holiday and it sucks! I’m a teen holiday and it sucks! I’m a teen holiday and it sucks! I’m a teen holiday and it sucks, yeah! Oh, yeah
That was absolutely brilliant!
I guess if you pull the quotes out of context, Guy Fawkes sounds angry, self-centered and a little moronic. Hmmmm … kind of describes V for Vendetta. It was the kind of movie that really makes sense unless you spent five minutes thinking about it or were actually awake during the movie. Oh, and how many people in the masks got killed when Evey blew up Parliament? Natalie Portman was adorable though — a perfect little Daria. Oh the dream of a live-action Daria movie, will it ever be realized? OK, probably not. No one but me has even brought it up. I guess V for Vendetta is as close as we can come.
I see you’re drinking 1%. Is that beacause you think you’re fat? Cuz you’re not… you could be drinking whole if you wanted. I have your Thursday Night Bullet Points in my locker. You should probably come and get them soon, cuz I can’t fit my numchucks in there anymore.
Don’t adjust your set, Smallville is actually new tonight. Whoops, nevermind… it’s another rerun. Ya know, it’s been so long I kinda forget what’s going on… but I think that big doofus in the flannel shirt might be Superman.
According to his agent, Wonder Years star Fred Savage & his wife Jennifer are expecting their first baby in July. Insiders report that the baby’s internal voiceover monologue will be performed by Daniel Stern’s son, Henry Stern.
Although the “sassy-gal-can’t-find-the-right-guy” genre is pretty deeply mined these days, Julia Louis Dreyfuss’ new show is actually pretty funny. Now all she needs to do is keep Michael Richards away from it.
Hey. Jerry Reynolds. Stop giving the Sacramento Kings nicknames, already. Mike Bibby is The Bibbinator? Kevin Martin is K-mart? K-MART? Jeez Louise, don’t these guys have enough problems?
In reality TV news, James Carville & Mary Matalin plan to star in their own reality series for Lifetime Television starting sometime in the fall. The show will be called “Election” and will feature the bickering couple managing the campaigns of two high school students running against each other for class president. No exact date set yet… but when it is announced, I’ll mark the day before it on my calander, so that I can have huge spikes driven into my eyes so I don’t accidentally see any of it.
It’s Ric Ocasek’s Birthday today! He’s 57, and his presents will be opened by Todd Rundgren.
And it’s Blur singer Damon Albarn’s 38th birthday. The Gallagher brothers planned a press conference to claim that it was their birthday today as well, but Liam drank himself into a stupor, and when Noel tried to wake him up they got in a big fist fight and never showed up.
In New York City yesterday, the cast of the musical Spamalot were joined by thousands of people banging coconuts together. The stunt was an attempt to break the Guiness Book’s world record for biggest waste of time ever connected with a broadway play. The record is currently held by the 5,245 people who attended the 1985 Cats mass string-dangle.
How exactly does one get drops of Jupiter out of their hair? Would that require some kind of specialized hair care product, like a salon kinda deal?
Even with his flub near the end where he says the actual line from the movie, this is still the funniest thing Alec Baldwin’s ever done. I know it’s not Christmas anymore, but SNL re-ran it saturday night. If you’re a fan of Glengarry Glen Ross, it’s a must see.
“PUT THAT COCOA DOWN.”
That’s it for The Bullets this week kids. Don’t stare directly into the sun.
Well, tonight was the South Park I have been both anticipating and dreading. Parker and Stone strode the line between melancholy farewell and cruel destruction. Chef returns to South Park as a brainwashed member of the Super Adventure Club, a “fruity little club” that travels the world looking for fresh new young children to molest. They looped Chef’s dialog from old episodes, and the choppy changes in tone and volume reminded me uncomfortably of Isaac Hayes’ alleged stroke.
In the end, after Chef’s graphic death scene, the townspeople gather for a memorial and Kyle urges the people to remember Chef for who he was, and not for his final days. If you want a blow-by-blow of the episode, read it here. I for one will remember the character of Chef that occupied South Park for nine years, when he was voiced by a willing Isaac Hayes and not pieced together by editing, forced to sexually harass the children he cared about. I get the point, Parker and Stone, but this is not an episode I will enjoy watching again.
On a related note, there has been a petition started by viewers of South Park who are vowing not to see this summer’s Mission Impossible III unless the original Scientology episode that started the fight, Trapped In A Closet is allowed to air again. I signed the petition, but I feel a little disingenuous. No matter what the result of this petition, I have no intention of ever watching a Tom Cruise movie again. It isn’t because I’m angry at him or that I want to punish him for being a Scientologist. It is because the past year of Tom Cruise-related insanity has left me unable to look at him without feeling uneasy. The baggage has piled too high. Tom Cruise can no longer be a character in a movie. He can only be Tom Cruise, the babbling, enraged top gun of a science fiction religion that killed my TV friend Chef.
So, I wait 2 weeks for a new Lost. With a show so incredibly episodic & plot-driven, you really should have done what Fox has been doing with 24 and waited long enough to show Lost with no reruns (hey, I waited 2 years for new Sopranos, and still managed to remember that I love the show when it came back). But I get it… you’re whores, and almost everything else on yout network is a huge, steaming pile of shit, so I get why you couldn’t wait. Fine. I’m a fan. I’ll put up with the reruns.
Then the new Lost episode tonight really surprised me. It made some actual plot movement… something that’s been a little slow in coming this season. And there were interesting flashbacks that actually enhanced the story for a change. There was even some great character stuff that I’ve really been missing lately. On top of all that… the show set up a nifty little cliffhanger ending. It would have easily kept me enthralled until next week, and I would have loved every minute of it… see, I really get off on that kind of thing, and the producers & writers of Lost know this, so that’s why they do it.
Then the show is done, and you guys take over. And what’s the first thing you do?
YOU BLOW THE FUCKING CLIFFHANGER IN THE PREVIEW FOR NEXT WEEK’S EPISODE.
You didn’t even wait for a commercial, or anything. Just “cliffhanger”… then “bad robot!”… then “blow the cliffhanger.” It took like 12 seconds.
Thanks alot, fuck-sticks. I sincerely hope you assholes asphyxiate on the methane fumes eminating from the scripts for next week’s episodes of Freddie & According To Jim.
The programmers at ABC, hard at
work finding new & exciting ways to
masturbate & fling their own poo.
4 Comments to Read 
The best part of this great show is Bright Abbott. Bright has transformed over the past three years from horny, self-obsessed high school jock into horny self-obsessed community college nobody who genuinely adores his Jesus-loving, no-sex before marriage girlfriend. Bright turned horny maleness into a Zen art form and I feel the need to share some of his personal wit and wisdom, starting with tonight’s episode and working backwards.
Mitch Hurwitz, the creator of the series Arrested Development has turned down an offer from Showtime to move the show to their network. By way of explanation he said he didn’t think he could continue to maintain the series quality and would rather end it on a high creative note. This pretty much means the end of Arrested Development.
