Just Us Nerds

Getting ready to see the summer blockbusters? Just remember, Hollywood hates America. Now enjoy the film!

Superman Returns
Let me get this straight. Superman Returns is a sequel to Superman II (not III or IV) and it takes place after Superman has been absent from Earth for a long time (long enough for Lois Lane to have an annoying adorable kid). Ok, I can live with that. One problem though, both Superman and Lois Lane look younger than the stars of the original movie! I can accept Superman not aging, but Lois Lane has no super powers to keep her skin fresh, and botox can’t pull off that kind of magic. Also, I’ll bet they leave the line “American Way” out of the movie. That’s the sort of left-wing liberal nut-nut thinking that is screwing up America.

X-men: The Last Stand
A fascist government plot to “cure” genetic mutations? A battle for the Golden Gate Bridge? This movie is an obvious allegory for the movement to “cure” homosexuals. Homosexuals are not mutants. They do not have super powers. I am not going to watch a movie that claims homosexuals can fly, read minds or regenerate. What kind of message does that send?

Mission: Impossible III
Tom Cruise can rant about prescription drugs and psychiatry all he wants, but the moment he puts on a rubber mask America is in trouble. Tom Cruise could be anyone and anywhere right now. Look out, he’s right behind you!

Cars
Do you remember when Paul Newman was an actor? Well, now he’s a car. Do you remember when Paul Newman worked with actors such as Robert Redford and Elizabeth Taylor? The cast of this movie includes Bob Costas, Cheech and Larry the Cable Guy. What has Hollywood done to Paul Newman? What has Hollywood done to America?

Over the Hedge
Wanda Sykes stars as a matted, grimy skunk. Yes, that’s right; the only black star in a movie about animals plays a skunk. Just what kind of racist message is this “family friendly” movie trying to send? This movie is “Song of the South” in CGI people.

The Da Vinci Code
Not only does this movie try to convince people that Jesus was a normal person who led an actual life, it stars a French woman. Even that guy from Bosom Buddies cannot fix values this broken. Shame on you Opie!

Miami Vice
It wouldn’t be summer without a bland, vacant rip-off of an eighties television show. I guess ALF wanted too much money. Do you know what was cool about Miami Vice? Its look. What was the first thing the Michael Mann changed for the movie version? Its look. At least the director of Dukes of Hazard didn’t replace the General Lee with a Mazda Miata.

Poseidon
Here’s a good idea. Let’s make a movie about a tidal wave killing a bunch of people. There’s nobody in the world that would be traumatized by that right now. Good lord! Did they start production the day after the wave hit? Oh and even better, it’s a remake of a crappy seventies flick. That saved the Hollywood weasels from even having to write a script. Thanks Hollywood. You bastards.

Lady in the Water
Hey M. Night Shyamalan, does Ron Howard know that you decided to make a drama out of Splash? I was just wondering. You might want to give the guy a call. Oh that’s right — Ron’s busy pissing on The Shroud of Turin. Well, I’m sure he’s got voice mail. While you’re leaving the message, maybe you can explain how movies that rely on a last-minute twist don’t suck.

A Prairie Home Companion
This is movie about a radio show. On a related note, I hear that The Rush Limbaugh Show is being turned into a romantic comedy starring Jack Black and Lisa Loeb. In Premiere Magazine (yes, the web has made it pointless but the door-to-door magazine girl was hot so I have seven years left on my subscription thank you very much) says that Robert Altman kept to the rigorous shooting schedule by napping in an easy chair on the set. That’s pretty much how I expect to spend the movie as well. Thanks for putting America to sleep. What happens if we are invaded? You will have killed us all!

A Scanner Darkly
A novel schizophrenically. An actor blandly. A director pretentiously. An animation pointlessly. An audience suspiciously. A box office deadly.

The Omen
I get that children are evil. That has been proven time and time again. Breeding inevitably leads to pain and destruction on a grand scale. What I don’t understand is why Liev Schreiber keeps getting work. This guy was in Phantoms, Sphere, Kate & Leopold and Jakob the Liar! If that isn’t enough to revoke a guy’s SAG card, I don’t know what is.

Just My Luck
Every day and in every way Lindsey Lohan looks more and more like Laura Flynn Boyle. Ladies and gentlemen, America’s sweetheart is killing herself in front of us and I for one will not pay to see it happen. Cute redheaded honey – good for America! Drugged out rail-thin skank – bad for America! Somebody please help this girl. The future of America depends on it.

You, Me and Dupree / The Break-Up
I seriously cannot tell the difference between these two movies. It is very frustrating and confusing. I don’t like being confused and neither does America.

Apocolypto
Mel Gibson stars as a cop on the edge looking to bust a Columbian drug cartel three days before retirement. Yeah, I wish. This is another one of his movies in a dead language starring nobody you’ve ever heard of. To quote Danny Glover, “I’m getting too old for this shit.” If I’m getting too old for this shit, then America is getting too old for this shit!

Click
Have you seen Groundhog Day? Have you seen Bruce Almighty? Click is a blatant rip-off of those two movies. I can forgive that, but have you seen Christopher Walken’s hair? If the director seriously thought giving Christopher Walken an afro would result in big laughs, we are in serious trouble. I recommend that you even avoid comedies playing in the theater next to this movie. I’m telling you, it is a black hole for laughs. It will suck in all the funny around it until there is nothing left.

My Super Ex-Girlfriend
This movie sets out to prove that no matter how beautiful and special a woman is, even if she has freakin’ super powers, she is still just a mean-spirited petty bitch who can’t find a man and will cling to whatever loser she does find. Wow. In case you think I’m wrong about this, even crap director Ivan Reitman says he intended the movie to be a “social commentary” (It’s in that damned Premiere Magazine – I can’t wait until I can get Internet on the toilet!). This may be the most offensive premise of the summer.

Little Man
A black, midget thief poses as a baby in order to steal a diamond. The couple who “adopts” him is too stupid to figure out that he’s an adult. Is there anyone anywhere who can find anything about this movie that doesn’t suck? I get chills just thinking about it.

The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift
Yet another case of a Japanese import infiltrating the American automobile market. Did George Herbert Walker Bush throw up in the Prime Minister’s lap for nothing? More importantly, if someone as vapid and untalented as Paul Walker refused to do this movie, it could be in contention for worst threequel ever!

Two Movies That Are Probably Screwing Up America But Might Not Be

The Reaping
“It’s a Mr. Death, he’s here about the reaping?”
If you don’t know how funny that line is, then you might be young enough to find this movie enjoyable. Good luck to you. For the rest of the world, how can you possibly see a movie called The Reaping? If, however, at some point in the movie they announce that there is another dead bishop on the landing, it might be ok. Let me know because I won’t be there.

Little Miss Sunshine
It’s a comedy about a young girl who enters a beauty pageant. That’s bad. Dakota Fanning isn’t in it. That’s good.