Just Us Nerds

Everybody and their brother’s sister’s aunt knows that I love corporations. I live for them. Heck, I even have one of my own and I’m thinking of getting another real soon. If it weren’t for corporate greed, America would never have gotten into World War I, which caused World War II and gave us the opportunity to rule the world. It was an opportunity we grabbed for all it was worth. Corporations made America great and I won’t listen to any foo-foo commie talk to the contrary just because they control nearly every aspect of our lives. Somebody has to do it.

So, just because all the restaurant chains that are screwing up America are owned by corporations doesn’t mean I am bashing corporations. I am simply identifying attacks on the American way of life, no matter where they come from (because I am nothing if not fair). Besides, any self-respecting capitalist knows that restaurants are a lousy investment, so there is a good chance these particular corporations are owned by left wing nut-nuts anyway. If you are looking for a safe restaurant chain, look no further than Golden Corral people. Every Thursday is BBQ night. You can’t beat that. Texas Roadhouse is OK too, if you can sit in Willie Nelson Corner.

1. Sweet Tomatoes – Let me get this straight. I serve myself. I get my own drinks. I eat soup, bread and salad, then dessert. For this pleasure I pay you about ten bucks. Did I leave anything out? No, I didn’t. You did. You forgot DINNER!
2. Olive Garden – Olives do not grow in gardens, they grow in groves. Your breadsticks are dry and I have to wait for a table even when the place is half-empty. There is something very shifty about your whole operation.
3. 5 & Diner – Oh sure, this restaurant claims to be a throwback to the good old fashioned fifties and has plenty of Americana, but have you seen the menu? French toast? Parisian omelets? French Dip? The Francheeze? I’ll forgive you the French fries, because that’s a battle we’ve already lost, but this slice of Americana has been way too Frenchified for me.
4. Applebee’s – Even I have been taken in by their riblets and lulled by their desserts, but this whole roll up thing has got to stop, and the first place I ever saw it was at Applebee’s so I’m blaming them. It isn’t a roll up, it’s a burrito! Only fruit rolls up, if you wrap something with a tortilla, it is a burrito. We basically own Mexico, so it is OK to call it that. Get with the program Applebee’s.
5. Denny’s – The other day I was in here and saw ten members of the National Guard wait 42 minutes to get their Grand Slams. What if there had been a crisis? These boys would have had to lift their sandbags while dog hungry. What do you have against our soldiers Denny’s?
6. Bennigan’s – These people are always screwing up my soup order. It’s a sign of impending chaos.
7. Chili’s – I can’t get that freakin’ Baby Back song out of my head and it is pissing me off. How many Americans have you infected with that jingle? You are doing serious damage to our psyches.
8. Claim Jumper – Ok, I’ll be fair, nice work on the soft pretzel. It is delicious. It is your Southwest Egg Rolls that are ruining America. This is another case of a restaurant mixing food nationalities and coming up with crap. Give me a burrito or an egg roll. This thing is neither.
9. Hooters – Tight clothes, big tits and greasy food. I get the concept. Normally I’d be praising you, but if you would PLUCK YOUR CHICKENS before you cook them, maybe I wouldn’t have been vomiting feathers on my wedding day.
10. Macaroni Grill – You can’t grill macaroni. That is just gross.
11. On the Border – There is something very Un-American about a Mexican restaurant that does not serve sopapillas. It is just about the best dessert ever and you can’t tell me it is very hard to make because it is basically fried dough with powdered sugar on it. If you have time to make Chocolate Turtle Empanadas you’ve got time for a few sopapillas.
12. Outback Steakhouse – Quit pushing the blooming onion and that weird-assed sauce it comes with. Sure, the first bite or two tastes great, but by the time the meal comes I want to vomit.
13. P.F. Chang’s – Why are so many people paying so much money for mediocre Chinese food? I think they are putting some sort of drug in the Chang sauce. I can’t prove it, but I also can’t prove the NBA playoffs are fixed, I just feel it in my gut.
14. Joe’s Crab Shack – Stop singing. You were singing. Cut it out.
15. IHOP – Why are you hiding your true identity? This place is the International House of Pancakes people. I have no problem with foreigners as long as they are open about it and willing to apologize for not being born here. When they try to hide their identity, however, I get suspicious. Just what are you plotting IHOP?
16. Rainforest Café – It actually started raining while I was eating dinner! That is taking a concept too far. Also, they want us to save the rainforests. America destroyed all of its rainforests by 1958 as part of our plan to win the Cold War, so there is no point in trying to save it now. As for the rest of the world, why should they have rainforests when we don’t? That just seems wrong to me.
17. Red Lobster – Is there an ice shortage at Red Lobster? I only get about three cubes in every drink and they melt before the buttery biscuits even get to the table. I have to ask for a glass of ice every time I go there. Ice is what separates civilization from chaos. If they scrimp on ice, what else are they scrimping on? It isn’t just the scampi, it’s America!
18. TGI Friday’s – When they eliminated the flair, they broke America’s heart. I may never eat a Slider again.
19. Ruby Tuesday – I thought Ruby Tuesday was the greatest chain restaurant in America until they replaced their frosted icy glasses with plastic mugs. I might as well be drinking out of a plastic bottle. You have disappointed me, which means you have disappointed America!
20. Cracker Barrel – I’m not entirely sure this is even a restaurant. This place has a row or rocking chairs out front, because they never let you in. Has anyone ever been inside of a Cracker Barrel? I usually give up after about six hours.