Just Us Nerds

The wonderful thing about being a freelance writer is that it provides you with endless opportunities to learn and grow. When you get bored with the subjects you have been writing about, you can move on to brand new topics. You can even embrace subjects that interest you but which you haven’t really learned too much about yet. If you have passion, you can learn. If you want to learn, you can become knowledgeable in almost any topic.

The process of learning a new subject

There are five steps to learning a new subject as a writer. These steps are really a continuum. Once you get through step five, it is a good idea to go back to step one and reinforce everything you have done.

Learn the basics

The first step is to read about the basics of the subject. This can be done online or using an introductory book. You want to get familiar with the topic and the terminology.

Find out the latest developments

The second step is to become familiar with new developments related to the subject. This can be done by setting up online news feeds, reading the latest magazines and subscribing to relevant blogs.

Practice what you know

The third step is to practice what you know. For example, if you want to write about training dogs, then you really need to try to train a dog. You learn by doing.

Meet people with similar interests

The fourth step is to make connections. Find people with similar interest. It is especially helpful to find groups in your area so that you can meet people face to face and form lasting connections. This can also be done online by commenting on blogs, contributing to forums, and joining online groups.

Write about what you know

The fifth step is to start writing about the subject. This is the part that you have been hoping to get to all along. Even when you are doing the other steps, take notes and express your thoughts. It is a good idea to create a learning journal. You might also start by blogging about the learning process. This can be the beginning of getting your name out there. Eventually you will want to write articles for trade magazines and other potential paying markets.

Cat eating lasagna!

Where do we go from here?
Where do we go from here?

Why is the path unclear?
When we know home is near
Understand we’ll go hand in hand,
But we’ll walk alone in fear
Tell me…
Where do we go from here?

On Tuesday, November 4th, 2008, the United States of America elected her first black president. This is an amazing, historic event, to be sure. But some other things happened that night that we here at The Bullets feel we need to comment on.

In the state of California, voters passed Prop 2, which prohibits the confinement of farm animals in a manner that does not allow them to turn around freely, lie down, stand up, and fully extend their limbs.

The state of California also passed Prop 8, which adds a new amendment to the California Constitution, re-writing it, which says, “only marriage between a man and a woman is valid or recognized in California.” Before it passed, same-sex marriage was a constitutionally-protected right in California; a majority of the justices of the California Supreme Court affirmed this understanding of the constitution in May 2008.

That’s right, kids… we care more about the rights farm animals than we do our fellow human beings.

Congratulations, California! We here at The Bullets were worried that, even though we elected Arnold fucking Schwarzenegger as our Governor, not everone in the world thought we were a bunch of weirded-out fuck-ups with our heads jammed up our asses, and our priorities totally out of whack.

Thank you, so very much, for making it crystal clear.

PS… even Arnold fucking Schwarzenegger opposed Prop 8.

Dear Republican Party.

Now that you’ve had a couple of days to absorb your second straight election defeat, I thought I would let you know how you drove this former Republican away.

In the eighties and nineties I was a member of the Republican Party. In the early nineties, I briefly held a position as a precinct committeeman for the Republican Party. Even then, however, I had problems with the party. I was willing to overlook them, but they only got worse. Eventually, the Republican Party chose to elect a clearly incompetent man, George Bush. This man could not string two sentences together coherently, but he said the word God a lot. Apparently, that was more important to Republicans. When he took office I left the party. I knew it was no longer the place for me. For the record, I didn’t join the Democrats. I never considered myself one of them either. I am truly a man without a party. If you are interested in getting me and the many people who are like me, back, I’ll let you know what I stand for and against. Perhaps it will help your thinking.

Here is what I agree (in principal) with the Republican Party on.

• I believe that the government cannot solve all of our problems. When in doubt, the government should just stay out of the way.
• I believe in gun rights. The right to bear arms is guaranteed by the constitution and it is there for good reasons.
• I believe in a balanced budget. A government that owes no money is infinitely more stable and powerful than a government that is deep in debt.
• I believe in a strong defense. Our military should be strong enough to strike fear in those who mean us harm.
• I believe in a flat tax. Anyone above the poverty line should pay a fixed percentage of their income with no loopholes.
• I believe in the rights of the states as outlined by the constitution. States should, within those limits, be able to set their own courses.

Here are the areas in which I do not agree with the Republican Party:

• I believe in the first amendment, absolutely and completely.
• I believe that abortion is unfortunate but sometimes necessary. I think everything should be done to create a society in which few people ever have a reason to choose abortion, but I will not persecute those who make the choice or those who assist them.
• I do not believe in “Family Values”. I could care less who marries who, or who has sex with who. I am pro human rights and opposed to laws governing consensual and private acts.
• I believe in the separation of church and state. This country was founded by people who wanted to be free to worship as they chose. We should be free to worship or not worship in any way we want, as long as we do not infringe on the rights of others to do the same or break laws that have nothing to do with religion.
• I believe that education should be the absolute number one priority of the government. Education lowers crime and poverty while making us more financially competitive throughout the world. A well educated population in a capitalist country cannot help but succeed. I do not believe that we should spend our time and energy bashing teachers. If the job was more appealing, better people might take the job. As it is, we have trouble finding enough people willing to take the low paying, mostly thankless job.
• I do not believe that people should be tortured or executed — even our enemies. Not only is it immoral, it is poor policy for a country that wants to bring freedom and democracy to the world.
• I do not believe that you can force democracy on people. Forcing any decision, even voting, on a population is not democratic.
• I believe that the threat of war is sometimes useful, but actual war should really, truly be only a last resort. War damages every country involved.
• I believe that freedom is not safe. Balancing our safety with our freedom is always difficult, but if there is any question of which way to go, I choose freedom.

I’m not expecting the Republican Party to come to my way of thinking, but I do think there are a lot of people out there who share most of my views. They aren’t happy with the Democrats and their government solutions to everyone’s problems, but they are just as fearful of a Republican party that thinks they speak for God, that America is always right, and that questioning our leaders is unpatriotic. Good luck reevaluating your party. I hope you make wise decisions.

John Hewitt

Former Republican

Tuesday, November 4th, 2008. 7 AM.

Game on.

The Bullets have been relatively silent during the past months leading up to tonight.

It’s mainly that we haven’t been talking the talk so much because we’ve been busier than usual walking the walk. We have friends in the military, and friends in Iraq. We have seen friends layed off. We have gay friends that we would like to see be able to marry the ones that they love, should that be where their paths lead.

But beside these facts, and apart from our own personal opinions & beliefs regarding how we truly think that you should vote, we here at The Bullets are, above it all, in love with the process. We always have been. We live in a Democracy. And tomorrow, we get to exercise what is perhaps the most important benefit of that simple fact.

And this is why we have broken our silence so close to the finish line.

Tomorrow is election day. Vote. We’re not here to tell you that you’re wrong, and that you should vote just like we’re voting. You have your reasons. You have a lifetime of thoughts and experiences that have brought you to where you are tonight. They are uniquely your own, and we wouldn’t dare to second guess them for you. We respect all of them. And we respect all of you. We’re not here to shill, or to coerce, or to condescend.

We’re just here to tell you to vote.

Vote your conscience. Vote for what is right for you.

Vote with your heart and your head… because we truly believe that the two aren’t mutually exclusive.

This is the moment.

This is what all the fuss has been about.

It’s your chance to be heard. It’s your chance to to be counted. It’s your chance to not only be a part of history, but to actually make history.

Do not think that your vote doesn’t count. Do not think that the outcome won’t affect you. Do not dismiss this right that you have been endowed with.

There is nothing better to be doing.

There is nothing more important.

Now is the time.

VOTE.

The Bullets wish you a good election experience…
And we now condemn you to humming this
all day.

So shut up and eat your vegetables!

Thirty years has passed

In a mere fifteen

From when this used to be funny

We got our shit together to sit down and do a really good post about what’s been happening everywhere for the last few days. But there’s no way in hell we coulda said it any better than our old buddy Joss Whedon, so we’ll just let him take point on this one. Cue Tom Petty’s Won’t Back Down, please…

A Message From WGA & DGA member Joss Whedon.

• BTW… “Fair is fair!” is from the 1985 Delphi III Productions release The Legend Of Billie Jean. Which was written by WGA members Lawrence Konner and Mark Rosenthal, directed by DGA member Matthew Robbins, and starred SAG member, and one of our favorites, the ever-enchanting Helen Slater.

First, we’ll start by saying the we love Barack Obama. He’s from Chicago, he has amazing charisma, and he is a truly inspiring public orator. He will lead this country very well, and in the right direction, and should he be the one to win the Democratic nomination, we will have absolutely no problem supporting him.

That being said, tomorrow is Super Tuesday, and we get to vote in the California primary. And we’re voting for Hillary.

Barack has made it a cornerstone of his campaign to say that we need to “look forward, not look back.” This is a way of saying that we need to vote for someone who hasn’t been in the system for as long as Hillary has… that we need a change. But we happen to believe that words mean something. Especially those words. Hillary & Obama are so close on so many issues… in order to differentiate himself from her, Barack has repeatedly said that we shouldn’t vote for Hillary because she voted to authorize force against Iraq way back when, when our current FuckFace president was lying his ass off to all of us, and many of us believed him about it. Hillary voted for the resolution. She has said that it was a mistake. She has said that if she knew then what she knows now, she wouldn’t have. And now, here in the present, she has a plan to end the war. Barack continues to hammer her about her vote, saying that he is better served to lead us because he didn’t vote to authorize force in the first place. Our point here is… if we need to look to forward, rather than back, then why do we need to keep looking BACK to find a reason to not vote for Hillary? She’s on the right page now. She, as we all do, knows the war was a mistake. Let’s look ahead, not back, just like Obama has been saying, and look at who has an actual, viable plan to stop the war. We’ve listened to them both. In our opinion… it’s our girl.

Next up… lets talk health care. Both Barack & Hillary have great plans. Obama himself has stated that 95% of their health care plans are the same. What’s different about the remaining 5%? The ability to know what will work, and what won’t. Hillary picked up the health care livewire back when she was First Lady. Remember? She was crushed. She’s been here before, and she knows what will work, and what won’t. As nice as Obama sounds when he discusses health care, and almost all the other issues, btw, when he talks about them, he says things like “What I would try to do…” and “What I would like to do…” When Hillary talks about her plans, she says “What I will do…” and “What I can do…”

Which brings us to our next point. Experience. She has it, he doesn’t. It’s just that simple. And we’re sorry… but it’s important.

Next up… Let’s look at who the Republicans want to win. Swallow your gum, suck it up, turn on your radio, and listen to the Republican talk radio shows, like Savage, and Hannity, and Limbaugh. They want Obama to win. They do not want Hillary to win. The reason for this is simple. They can beat Obama in a general election. They can’t beat Hillary. When a total Right-wing lunatic ass-faced CUNT like Ann Coulter says she’d vote for Hillary over John McCain… you’d better start wondering why, friends. These fuckers don’t say anything without a reason.

And yes, Obama says he will bring “the young vote” to his candidacy. But ya know what? We’ve heard that before, people. Remember???? Kerry said he had “the young people” behind him. All we heard from the young people the year leading up to the last election was how inspired by him they were, and how excited they were to vote for him. Ya know what happened? When it was time to put their money where their mouths were… the young people didn’t show up on election day, and we got fucked up the ass with 4 more years of Fuckface. The Bullets likes young people. we still kinda are young people… well, we certainly feel like we are, anyway… but when the rubber hits the road… young people tend not to vote. Even when they spend a year talking about voting. Hillary’s base, while being as large as Obama’s is, is older, and more established, and more invested in the proccess than Obama’s. And they’re more likely to show up on election day and actually punch the fucking card.

On a more personal note… we have to say that one of the reasons we’re voting for Hillary is because we’ve always been with The Boss. Ah, Bill. we’ve always loved him, and we always will. He’s the only president we’ve ever voted for who’s ever won. And, if you remember correctly, when he was in charge, things were pretty fucking good. Especially when, as Obama himself noted, you look at it through the prism of the last 8 years of Bush-Fuck. So yeah… we were always with The Boss. And now, we’re with The Boss’ Old Lady.

So there it is. As we have said, we love Obama. We will vote for him in the general election… we will even campaign for him in the general election, and post many posts here on his behalf, should he be the nominee.

But tomorrow… here in California, on Super Tuesday…

The Bullets are voting for Hillary.

That is all.

Here’s a bit of Strike-related fun! Video written by Seth MacFarlane. Featuring Josh Radnor, Kat Foster, Nick Kroll, John Viener, Seth MacFarlane, and Erik Weiner. Directed by Bryan Carmel and Brendan Colthurst.

Media Blackout time again. The AMPTP invited the WGA to informal talks, and the WGA has accepted, and today the talks began. The Big Six reached a deal with the Director’s Guild last week, and it looks pretty good. The informal talks were the first step in their successful negotiations, so hopefully the WGA will do as well.

Since strike information is at a premium right now, The Bullets will turn the rest of tonight’s update to a special guest, who will give his opinon on the DGA deal, as well as update us on his current projects. Please welcome tonight’s Bullets guest contributor, the Cloverfield Monster:

Wait, I don’t see… ah, here he comes.

Oh crap.

Maybe this wasn’t such a goo…

Time for another WGA strike update. First off: The Weinstein Company, MRC, and Spyglass Entertainment have each signed interim agreements, joining the ever-expanding list of independent production companies who have been able to negotiate a fair deal with the WGA.

That’s excellent. But let’s get to the really big news: That’s right kids… we’re in a MEDIA BLACKOUT! The Director’s Guild started up formal negotiations with the AMPTP on Saturday, and we won’t hear anything official until the deal is done. Or not done. But there is a glimmer of hope here. The way we see it, the Big 6 can use this as an out, and end this ugly strike before the Oscars get cancelled and they really take a bath. The studios can negotiate a fair deal with the DGA, then say, “See? If the petulant writers hadn’t gone on strike, they could have had this deal a long time ago and saved everyone all this misery.” As far as the WGA strike captains are concerned, that’s fine with them. They just want a fair shake, a fair deal, and for everyone to get back to work.

Traditionally, DGA negotiations with the studios go pretty smoothly. They did go on strike once… for all of 5 minutes. The fact that it’s been 5 days could mean that they’re playing a little hardball, which is a good sign. All rumours point to the fact that the reason the deal wasn’t done in 5 minutes this time is that the DGA is unhappy with the AMPTP’s offer regarding internet residuals. This is very important, because in pattern bargaining, the template for how the entertainment industry does business with it’s myriad unions, if the DGA gets a good deal, the WGA, SAG, and everyone else involved will get a similar deal.

There’s some snarking to be done here about how the DGA doesn’t usually play hardall, and has a tendency to sacrifice residuals for up-front money… but we’re actually going to refrain from snarking tonight. With the announcement that all 6 major congloms are hooked up with the new Apple deal, hopefully the DGA gets just how important any contract for new media residuals will be, not only to them, but to all the other unions involved.

As our fearless nerd leader J.C. noted over on poewar.com, we are on the verge of an entirely new era in entertainment distribution. Much like we were when the WGA last went on strike 20 years ago, back when the producers said that they didn’t know for sure that this whole cockamamy home video fad would ever really catch on.

And so, we’re not going to snark tonight. Much. We’re just going to hold our breath, and hope for the best, while still expecting the worst. Just like an entire industry that would like to get back to work is doing.

In the meantime, still looking for a way to show your support? Worried that the striking writers might not be getting enough to eat on the picket lines?

• Hint: they’ve been out of work for awhile… they’re not.

Well, daaaaaahlings… WGA member, SAG member, and certified cutie-pie/hottie-boom-a-lottie Nia Vardalos can help.

As reported on unitedhollywood.com this week, Nia’s been been buying lunch for picketers once a week at all gates of various studios. If you’d care to join her, all you need to do is email Marianne at mariannetitiriga [at symbol] aol [dot] com. They say that $140 to $160 can provide enough grub to feed an entire gate picket. We did the math on that (even though we were told there would be no math) and that comes out to 8 people kicking in about 20 bucks. If you’re truly a nerd, like we are, you can certainly find 7 other people who like the stuff you like enough to be willing to do this.

And you get to specify which studio picket lines you want to feed. Do ya like Big Blue? Then round up your Smallville posse and send lunch to the picketers at Warners. If you and your pals are Whedonites, then land Serenity, get your Scooby Gang together, and send some chow to the Fox pickets. Hey all you Trekkers… let’s beam some pizza over to the Paramount gates. Do you have a Battlestar Galactica study group? Or maybe you just miss Heroes, or 30 Rock. Then send some food to the NBC pickets, like we are. Just think… with the actor & showrunner support the strike’s been getting, next week Katee Sackhoff, or Hayden Panettiere, or Tina Fey could be putting a 12-inch Subway BMT that you bought in their mouths!!!! Talk about a Letter to Penthouse Forum…

But, all traditional Bullets sexually-based inuendo aside, this is an excellent, easy, and very tangible way to show some support. The writers will most assuredly appreciate it. Aside form just feeding them, it’ll help to keep their spirits up, by letting them know that, as fans, we’re out here thinking about them, and hoping that they can get back to work with a fair deal soon.

This is an Action Alert, gang. Put your money where their mouths are!

Thanks, Bullets fans! And be sure to watch this space… more updates to come.

• BTW… “Fair is fair!” is from the 1985 Delphi III Productions release The Legend Of Billie Jean. Which was written by WGA members Lawrence Konner and Mark Rosenthal, directed by DGA member Matthew Robbins, and starred SAG member, and one of our favorites, the ever-enchanting Helen Slater.

OK, first we’ll start with the news that the Big Six didn’t really want you to hear. United Artists signed an interim agreement with the WGA over the weekend, allowing them to get their people back to work.

How do we know they didn’t want you to hear it? Well, as the news broke someone mysteriously reported the unitedhollywood.com blog as a “spam blog” thus locking the Strike Captains out for most of the day, before they could report it.

And, if you kept an eye on the Big Six’s media outlets like we did, you would have noticed a virtual absence of stories about the UA agreement aside from an occasional sentence sliding by on their crawls. What you would have noticed was a sharp rise in stories about how crazy Tom Cruise is, mostly by way of lots of stuff about a new hatchet-job “biography” that, although it hardly seems to share the gravitas, was strangely covered almost as thoroughly as the build-up to the New Hampshire presidential primaries.

Oh, and in case you missed the connection… Tom Cruise, it just so happens, co-owns United Artists.

Now, we here at The Bullets have, from time to time, noticed that Tom is crazy. OK… so maybe we might have even said something about him being an insane Hollywood fuck-face in a weirdo made-up religion. (heheheh… awkwaaaaaard!) But hey, even we never accused him of spawning a child with frozen L. Ron Hubbard sperm.

• and for the record, we love Tom. In fact, we still cry when Maverick hugs Iceman at the end of Top Gun.

Crazy or not, the facts here remain clear. Crystal. Tom and his company United Artists negotiated in good faith, and a fair deal that was mutually beneficial to all parties was worked out, very much like Worlwide Pants did… something, strangely enough, that the Big Six very loudly proclaims isn’t possible.

That’s odd… Dave & Tom had no trouble. And the buzz is that Lion’s Gate Films is thinkin’ about negotiating a similar deal as well. Check back here for further updates.

And now, a brief word about the upcoming awards season.

The Golden Globes are kaput. Sure the awards will be given out, but they will be done so at a press conference that none of the stars will attend in their fancy get-ups, so who gives a fuck. Now, we at The Bullets enjoy drunken celebrites self-congratulatorily masturbating all over themselves as much as anyone. Hell, if it’s Scarlett Johansen masturbating all over Jessica Alba, probably more than anyone. But here’s the thing. As long as this strike is required, that little shindig had to be shut down.

It is becoming increasingly apparent that the only way the Big Six will return to the negotiating table and finally begin bargaining in good faith with that Writer’s Guild is if they are forced to do so by their shareholders. Ya know what reeeeeeally motivates shareholders? Losing money. It’s simple economics, kids: cancelling awards shows will cost the congloms and their shareholders money. The cost to GE/NBC/Universal alone will be massive.

The Golden Globes. What a crock of shit anyway. They’re given out by the Hollywood Foreign Press. We don’t know who they are! Hell, Americans don’t even like the foreign press. But ever since Titanic, a film so bloated and overwrought that it took two of The Big Six to produce it, The Globes have somehow been elevated to the same gala status as the Oscars. And why?

“Hmmmm… I wasn’t going to go see Sweeney Todd, as I have several very valid reasons why I probably won’t like it, such as the fact that I don’t care for musicals, or the fact that every time I see Helena Bonham Carter I really feel like I should go buy her a box of RID… but what’s this???? Why, it says here in the newspaper advertisment that Sweeney Todd was nominated for a whole assload of GOLDEN GLOBES! I am instantly forced to reconsider my decision!”

And the sad thing is, we’re so stupid, that we buy it. Ask the congloms… a Globe or two is worth millions of dollars in extra income for a film.

The Big Six would have you believe that the Globes going bye-bye is just the WGA pissing in everyone’s Post Toasties. In fact, NBC’s Ben Silverman has even said that it’s like “the nerdiest, ugliest, meanest kids in the high school are trying to cancel the prom.”

Now this is an ironic statement at best, seeing that somehow we doubt many of these moguls were captains of their football teams with cheerleaders on their arms… but that aside, DON’T BUY THIS LOAD OF CRAP. The Globes telecast has been cancelled because the members of the Screen Actor’s Guild and the Director’s Guild of America, along with other industry unions, have refused to cross the Writer’s Guild of America’s picket lines. This a show of solidarity by the other unions with their brothers & sisters in the WGA. Because they all know that, with their own contracts with the Big Six up later this year, if the WGA fails they will most likely all fail. And everyone involved, from the actors all the way down to the guys who roll up cable, deserves fair payment for contributing to the content the Big Six are making billions of advertising dollars from by distributing it on the internet.

This isn’t about a bunch of nerds getting back at the jocks. This is about fairness. This is about massive corporations, run by people who are so rich that they are losing their grip on what the very concept of money is, wanting even more money.

G’head… ask a few of them who’s on the 5 dollar bill and count the seconds before they remember.

They only know that they want more of it. They want more of it so much that they won’t even sit down and talk about what might or might not be fair. It’s all for them, nothing for anyone else.

My way, or the highway.

Fuck, or walk.

And we’re sorry, but that’s just not how it’s done.

So, because the Big Bullies are unwilling to come back to the table, and begin negotiations in good faith, the Golden Globe Award telecast is gone. And as far as The Bullets are concerned, good fucking riddance. Pay everyone fairly, and we can all get back to watching a liquored-up Jack Nicholson pretend that he even recognizes whomever happens to be kissing his ass next year.

And we’ve got some more uncomfortable news for the Big Six… if they don’t pull their heads out of their collective asses soon… The Oscars just might be next.

• BTW… “Fair is fair!” is from the 1985 Delphi III Productions release The Legend Of Billie Jean. Which was written by WGA members Lawrence Konner and Mark Rosenthal, directed by DGA member Matthew Robbins, and starred SAG member, and one of our favorites, the ever-enchanting Helen Slater.

And for all you procedural crime drama fans out there… here’s a lil something just for you:

Bland Ted gets a job

He makes friends with blond young men

Wanting to break rules

In case you haven’t noticed (and judging by our hit count, you haven’t) The Bullets hasn’t been making with the funny recently. We feel pretty sure that you’ve just chalked it up to the High Holy Days… but we’ve decided to break our little silence to tell you otherwise.

We at The Bullets fully support our brothers & sisters in the WGA, and we will do whatever is necessary to aid in their valiant struggle, even if it means letting our heads explode with pent up rage & sarcasm over the Heroes finale, the upcoming Rambo sequel, any relevant Prince weirdness, and the latest drunken starlet escapades.

To make a long story short, the AMPTP (the Alliance of Motion Picture and Television Producers… and by the way, the actual producers would like them to drop that last “P” and call themselves what they really are… 6 massive media conglomerates) walked out on negotiations on Friday, Dec 7th. But first, lets flash back a few weeks, before we get into what that really means.

The WGA has been at the table every day with a list of demands, waiting to engage in good-faith negotiations. See, that’s how negotiating works. You have a number, they counter with a number, you counter back, and eventually you work your way to some middle ground that everyone can live with. Instead, the conglomerates countered with an offer that was clearly unacceptable, if not just plain retarded. Then they fucked around for a few weeks, probably trying to see if the strike was going to “take.” During this time, the WGA agreed to take the DVD residuals issue off the table. A logical & reasonable step on the road to an equitable agreement.

When it became clear that the strike was in fact going to take, the conglomerates said they would come back with a counter offer… they just needed 4 more days to get it finalized. The WGA waited. At table. At the end of the 4 days, the conglomerates then said they needed another day to kinda finish it up. Fine. The WGA waited. At the table.

Friday, the conglomerates came back and plopped a big, fat, steaming load of shit on said table, said “Suck it, bitches!” and walked out.

This is, of course, paraphrased… but it’s meaning is clear.

So here’s where we stand right now.

The AMPTFS has hired an “attack dog” PR firm to attempt to make it look like it’s the writers that are being unfair. Don’t buy it.

This strike isn’t just about now. It’s about the future. Check your computer. This internet thing isn’t just a fad anymore. It’s not going to wind up in the garage in a dusty old box with your Lazer Tag rig & Connie Chung. It is a legitimate, and highly lucrative, distribution venue. The writers want to be compensated accordingly.

They don’t just want this for the people who are fucking up Heroes, or the people scrambling to figure out what’s gonna happen next on Lost, or the people deciding who’s gonna fuck whom next on Boston Legal. They want it for future generations of writers, many of whom will eventually be writing content solely for internet distribution.

They want it for the actors (not the bigtime superstars, we’re talking about the thousands of working stiffs making scale), for the makeup artists, for the grips, and for the schleps running out to get the coffee. The conglomerates are in a union-busting mode, as evidenced by their inclusion of a “no strike” clause in their proposal to the WGA… something that would force WGA members to cross picket lines of any other striking unions. The Screen Actors Guild contract is up in July of next year, and other key entertainment industry union contracts are expiring next year, as well. They are looking for a domino effect that will start all these unions toppling, ensuring that they get an even bigger percentage of entertainment profits than they already get.

This is a power grab, kids. Pure and simple.

The assholes at Time Warner, and Fox, and Disney, and Viacom, and CBS, and G.E. (hmmm… they don’t sound so people-friendly when we call them who they really are instead of disguising them with cool-sounding initials, now do they) want to own the internet, lock, stock, and barrel-full-of-cash.

The advertisers are paying them to show their ads while the content is streamed. The advertisers are paying for ads on the pages from which the content is downloaded. An estimated 4 billion dollars in the next 2 years alone. The fact that the people who write that content, the people without whom there would actually be no content, should get a fair slice of this massive pie seems to us to be beyond common sense.

OK, so we’ve gotten to you, and your ready to do what’s right. Or, you just fucking want Conan back on the air. Either way, you might be asking yourselves what you can do to help out.

Well kiddies, it’s easy: get involved.

Read the blogs. unitedhollywood.com, speechless, and deadlinehollywooddaily.com are a few good ones to start off with, but there are TONS. Follow the links.

Go to pencils2mediamoguls and drop a buck to send a box of pencils to the conglomerates to show your support. Here’s some pencils, Fuck Sticks… write that next gratuitous, and actually kinda creepy, Grey’s Anatomy sex scene yourselves!

If your favorite star is honoring the picket lines, drop them a line and let them know that you approve. You can usually find emails & addresses at their websites, or the websites of their representation. They crave approval!

Boycott! If you’re a fan of good TV, don’t watch the crappy replacement shows & reality crap the networks are going to be trying to jam in your mouths like a fucking pacifier in the weeks ahead as the strike drags on. When that insipid coworker accosts you at the coffee machine and asks if you caught (insert name of mind-numbingly-stupid reality replacement show here) last night, tell them, “No… I’m boycotting that in support of the WGA.” who knows… they might go home and Google it and find out what’s going on.

Instead of you and your crew dropping a hundred bucks or so going the movies this upcoming weekend, order a pizza and play Monopoly. Or Trivila Pursuit. Or fucking strip poker. Anything.

If you’re in La La Land, or NY, go to the pickets. fans4writers.com has a calendar, and is issuing action alerts to let you know where and when your favorite stars and fandoms are protesting.

if you’re elsewhere, go to Pencils Down and see what your fellow fans are up to in regards to supporting the writers.

At the very least… Sign the petiton!

This doesn’t appear to be anywhere near ending, so as a public service to our readers, we’ll be posting strike-related Bullets issues in the days and weeks to come. So check back in to find out what’s up. And again, be involved! We at The Bullets think this is pretty important. If your entertainment is important to you as it is to us, it should be easy to stand up.

It’s just like Billie Jean said, kids…

• BTW… “Fair is fair!” is from the 1985 Delphi III Productions release The Legend Of Billie Jean. Which was written by WGA members Lawrence Konner and Mark Rosenthal, directed by DGA member Matthew Robbins, and starred SAG member, and one of our favorites, the ever-enchanting Helen Slater.

Marmaduke at play

Chasing a lone dog catcher

 Giant slobbering death

Ten years leapt over

To see a bored band leader

Oh how your leaves blow

Mary must tell Jeff

Her canine companion is

A better lover

A bald little boy

He will die alone

Rather than kindness

He risks death to dominate

It is how he loves

Stuck in the desert

They joke to mask their agony

Waiting for death’s release

Bland Ted has no job

To eat mythical gryphons

He cooks pointless meals

The Bullets are currently on a brief hiatus, as we regroup, and attempt to find something in the world of pop culture & celebrity news that is less ridiculous than the shit we make up. Case in point? Britney Spears’ mom is writing a book on parenting. Our guess is that the working title is Don’t Let Them Lowball Ya: A Parent’s Guide To Selling Your Children To Disney.

In the meantime, we thought we’d pop in to wish you all a very Happy Halloween. After all, It is our favorite holiday… and one of our traditions on this night is to take a moment from dressing like sluts & monsters & people we wish we could be to remember one of the original badasses. Please join us.

Before he became a legend, Orson Welles, actor, producer, teacher, writer, director, and all-around wiseguy, was in charge of what might have been the greatest confligration of writing & acting talent ever to grace the airwaves, radio or otherwise: The Mercury Theater.

On October 31, 1938, Mr. Welles & his troupe performed an adaptation of H.G. Wells’ classic The War Of The Worlds. But our Orson decided to dress up the first 45 minutes or so by making it sound like it was actually happening.

After the dust settled he appologized, and later said that he didn’t know what the repercussions would be… but we nerds know better. He knew exactly what he was doing. The resulting panic, although it has been exaggerated with the passing of time, remains legendary.

Just think of it as the single greatest Halloween prank EVER.

And now, in the spirit of the holiday, we at The Bullets give you the broadcast of The Mercury Theater’s production of The War Of The Worlds, as it was originally aired.

Please to enjoy:

Should for any reason you not be able to hear the flash player, the broacast is hot-linked here.

And should you think for even a moment that we jest about the greatness of The Mercury… it’s collected works can be heard here.

So, the fall TV season is well underway and I have to say I am not impressed. In fact, I am quickly losing interest in most of the new shows.

Chuck
Why I Watched: As a nerd, I felt the obligation to honor other nerds by watching their fictional exploits on TV. Also, it looked like fun.
What’s Good: Adam Baldwin is great, even if his character is badly written. Adam is my favorite Baldwin brother, probably because he’s the only one who isn’t related. The girls on the show are smokin’ hot.
What’s Bad: I understand it’s a comedy, but it should still make sense, and most of the plots border on the absurd. The show is basically falling into a weekly formula, which rarely keeps my interest.
Verdict: I haven’t checked out yet, but I haven’t given up on it yet.

Big Bang Theory
Why I Watched: Again with the nerds. Also, it fills that slot between How I Met Your Mother and Two and a Half Men.
What’s Good: When the four nerds go off on an obscure intellectual tangent, I almost start to like them.
What’s Bad: The whole sexual tangent. The girl is as bland as it gets and while she’s cute, a real nerd would have tired of her by now. More importantly, she looks annoyed by them, so why does she keep hanging out with them?
Verdict: Leaving it on the Tivo in case I get A LOT of spare time.

Reaper
Why I Watched: Kevin Smith directed the premiere, I gave it a shot.
What’s Good: Ray Wise as the devil is great. The three friends, when they interact, are reasonably funny.
What’s Bad: The Monster of the week format is so predictable that I can just about time the scene changes. The “love” interest has zero chemistry. To be honest, I find the girl whiny and unpleasant.
Verdict: It on notice — if the plot doesn’t get more interesting by the end of sweeps, I’m out of there.

Bionic Woman
Why I Watched: I wanted to see how the Battlestar Galactica people would retool one of my favorite shows as a kid.
What’s Good: Katee Sackhoff is acting circles around Michelle Ryan.
What’s Bad: Katee Sackhoff is acting circles around Michelle Ryan. The sister is annoying. They killed off the doctor I liked. The plots may be darker than the originals, but their no smarter.
Verdict: Off my list.

Life
Why I Watched: Was stuck in a hotel room with nothing else of interest on.
What’s Good: I like the whole zen cop angle, and Adam Arkin is always a great addition to a cast.
What’s Bad: Its basically a darker version of Monk, and I gave up on Monk a year ago.
Verdict: Off my list.

Moonlight
Why I Watched: I had a bad feeling, but the Tivo schedule on Fridays is wide open so I gave it a shot.
What’s Good: The yuppie asshole vampire friend is the lone high point. The Vamp PI’s car is kinda cool.
What’s Bad: Where to start? The hair, the writing, the terrible special effects, the recycling of every horror movie cliché, the bad acting, the overly dramatic score. To think, just a couple years ago that cute Joan girl was doing favors for God in this very same time slot and they canceled it because it got “too dark”.
Verdict: I would say “It sucks” but that would be playing right into their hands. I’m only leaving it on the Tivo because my wife is curious to see “how bad it gets”. I think she’s punishing me for still watching SNL.

Back To You
Why I Watched: Kelsey Grammar was funny once.
What’s Good: Fred Willard made me chuckle once.
What’s Bad: This is every bad sitcom plot rolled into one show. Also, it reminds me of how good a show Sports night was with the same basic premise.
Verdict: Never actually let Tivo record it, so there’s nothing to delete.

Cavemen
Why I Watched: Just in case it was as funny as the commercials.
What’s Good: Nothing comes to mind.
What’s Bad: Not much, its just that there’s nothing good. It isn’t funny,
Verdict: If it lasts till spring, I’ll watch another episode to see if they’ve gotten any better. It is possible.

Big Shots
Why I Watched: The critics absolutely hated it, and I wanted to see why.
What’s Good: All of the lead actors except Michael Vartan are entertaining to watch. One of the reoccurring characters is a Tranny Hooker. I don’t have to root for anyone because they’re all scumbags.
What’s Bad: Any moment that even attempts to be dramatic. They’ve brought in Rob Thomas to “fix” the show.
Verdict: Sadly, regrettably, this is my favorite show of the new season.

So there you have it. Of the lot, Big Shots is the only keeper, and my bet they will ruin it by “fixing” it. TV viewership is WAY down this year, and it will only get worse as these duds fall off the tree and are replaced by shows that weren’t even good enough to start the year against this lousy competition.

It’s that time of year again!

The Saw Blood Drive!

We’re shooting for 60,000 pints this year.

So spread the word…
And give till it hurts, kids!

Just click on the nurse for details.
Seriously… you’d give up the blood
if she asked, wouldn’t ya?

Tell ‘em, Jiggy!

I love a good celebrity musician. I can listen to Bruce Willis plug away at his harmonica for hours (he’ll do it too, just ask). And when Jared Leto put on that goth makeup and sings plaintively into the camera, it warms my heart. Sure, nothing will ever compare to the Blues Brothers and their extended R&B ruminations, but we keep trotting celebrities out there, hoping one will stick. Most of the celebrity “women” who try to rule the musical world are pop-rock nymphets like Lindsey Lohan or whichever one of the Duff Girls sings (it may be both, I can’t tell them apart) but once in a while we get a real WOman out there to sing. Someone with class, style and distinction goes up there and makes all us sit up and notice.

That someone is Minnie Driver. You know, the English woman with the enormous head who never gets to use her English accent because we want all of our English women to sound like they’re just ordinary Americans, even if it wouldn’t have made a bit of difference to the story? Yeah that one. Good Actress. Well, she’s made an album or two, believe it or not. And this gem, a love song sang (apparently) to her dog, just blew me away. And the surging footage? Definitely worthy of a Hasselhoff award.

I wanna lay down with you
Forever
Or just this afternoon
Watching the shadows getting long
I’ll sing you a quiet song
Watch you sleep, slow and deep

Baby I know that all your pain will pass
I know your sad
But it wont last
I’m betting you everything, that I’ve got in my pocket
When your staring out into the sky
See what you have
And don’t ask why
Things can be different, be Perfect

I wanna remind you how to laugh
Sometimes you don’t even, make a sound
Until you fall down on the ground
And I want to love you everyday
And maybe it will balance out the pain
I can’t take away

Baby I know that all your pain will pass
I know your sad
But it wont last
I’m betting you everything, that I’ve got in my pocket
When your staring out into the sky
See what you have
And don’t ask why
Things can be different, be Perfect

So come on and lay down with me
I’ll tell you all the useless things that I have learned
But theres one good thing my old man told me:

Baby I know that all your pain will pass
I know your sad
But it wont last
I’m betting you everything, that I’ve got in my pocket
When your staring out into the sky
See what you have
And don’t ask why
Things can be different, be Perfect

Ohh be perfect…

OK. We spent $300 million in the off-season. We went out and got the best manager we could get our paws on. Some would say it was more of a business gesture than something done for love of the game. After all, the team will be up for sale at the end of the 2007 season, no matter how it may ultimately end.

Some would say that… but I am not one of them.

It was ugly at first. We were baptized in fire. A young family, still new to each other… dysfunctional, often battling ourselves just as viciously as our foes. Losses racked up. Disappointment loomed in the doorway. Punches were thrown. People were exiled. 8 1/2 games out of first, and dropping like a rock. It didn’t look good.

But somewhere along the way, bloodied, aching, we reached an understanding. Our leader did what he was hired to do. He breathed fire. That fire infused the team with his passion for the game. We pulled it all together for a spectacular June & July run, charging the gates of our upstart, cinderella arch-enemies. We fought like hell.

I watched it all. And I sensed a will to win.

And so, in the thick of the fight, I took flight. In the August heat, I soared all the way to my beloved Wrigleyville, on steel wings of hope, to share in the dream. I watched the wind rustle through the ivy. I felt the strength of the gathered faithful. I yelled until my throat was raw, living and dying on every pitch, cheering them to victory. And they gave that victory to me, like a gift.

And here at home, so far away from the Friendly Confines, I tried to never publicly waver in my support, or my faith. I wore the gear. I lived for the highlights. I kept everyone posted, even people who didn’t care. I asked the bartenders to put the games on, over the jeers of the Giants & A’s fans. I took the hits, and the scoffs, and I let people call me crazy. All I returned was a wry smile. “We’ll see…” I said.

It never got easy, and it came pretty close to right down to the razor-wire, a maddening back-and-forth duel with the Brewers, losing game after game that we should have won. Our hero pulled up lame, and was suddenly gone. At times, it looked like it might not happen. But even when we were stumbling, we still never seemed to lose the spirit… the drive… the will. And thankfully, the Brewers stumbled with us.

In moments of anguish & frustration, I ocassionally spit some venom. I may have banged my head against a few bars as a lead evaporated in the late innings, maybe I even bemoaned our “curse” once or twice. But those were private moments. They were always my boys through it all, and where it counted, I never let any of the doubts show.

Still, with so many tears shed, so much blood spilled, so many disappointments, so much hurt, I allowed myself to hope for the best… but I secretly prepared for the worst.

So, on this night, I shout to the sky, as loudly & as ecstatically as Harry himself,

“Cubs win!!! Cubs win!!!”

You are the 2007 National League Central Division champions, boys. And whatever happens from here, nothing can take that away from you. Celebrate. Then rest, and prepare yourselves for the battles to come. They will not be easy. But know this.

We believe.

Yep, this one’s for the Cubs fans. Hey, Gramma! The Cubs took the pennant!

“Hi, welcome to The Sizzler.
My name’s Rex…
Can I refill your iced tea?”

somewhere in a lonely hotel room, there’s a guy starting to realize that eternal fate has turned its back on him…

It’s two A.M.

It’s two A.M. the fear has gone
I’m sittin’ here waitin’, the gun still warm
Maybe my connection is tired of takin’ chances
Yeah there’s a storm on the loose, sirens in my head
I’m wrapped up in silence, all circuits are dead
I cannot decode, my whole life spins into a frenzy

Help I’m steppin’ into the twilight zone
The place is a madhouse, feels like being cloned
My beacon’s been moved under moon and star
Where am I to go, now that I’ve gone too far

Soon you will come to know…
When The Bullets hit the bone

The Bullets are pleased to announce the winner of last week’s T-Shirt Photo Contest. As always, there were tons of entries to choose from, and they were all great… but there can be only one. And this was really a no-brainer.

That’s right, it’s none other than Gandalf The Grey himself,
Sir Ian McKellan!

Aw, look at him crossing his fingers for luck. Not needed, pal! Who were we gonna give it to, Daniel Radcliffe? Well, he did send us an entry, but he wasn’t wearing any pants in the photo, and we’re pretty sure that’s still kiddie porn. So congratulations, Sir Ian! And don’t forget to check your paypal acct. for the big $10.00 prize!

As for you runners-up… watch for the next Bullets T-Shirt Photo Contest starting up in the next edition!

• Dessicated news-corpse Dan Rather is suing CBS & it’s parent company Viacom for 70 million dollars, alleging breech of contract during the “Rathergate” scandal that occured near the end of the 2004 campaign. A press release we recieved late Friday said, “They better fork over the gold semolians, or boy will they be sorry… I’m hotter than Aunt Sally’s potato salad left in the trunk at the 4th Of July picnic in Death Valley.”
• Denise Richards’s restraining order against Charlie Sheen has expired, so she’s filed for an order of protection to keep him away from the couple’s 2 daughters. The Bullets attempted to reach Richards for comment, but we were told she was busy blowing the lead singer from Warrant while David Spade & Heather Locklear watched while jacking each other off.
• Speaking of Charlie Sheen, the star of Two & A Half Men was once again denied the best actor in a comedy award in Sunday night’s Emmy ceremony. In a related story, future Emmy ballots will just feature pictures of the nominated actors with little boxes to check next to them, under the sentence “Who’s funnyer?” written in crayon with the “s” backwards.
• America’s male sweetheart Tom Hanks is producing a 10-part mini-series based on Vincent Bugliosi’s book Reclaiming History. The book essentially debunks all the famous JFK assasination conspiracy theories, agreeing with the Warren Commision’s conclusion that Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone. We called up our old pal, JFK director Oliver Stone to tell him the news, and he said, “What? Fools! Ignorant, blind fools! Can’t they see that the longer we fight the truth, the more we suffer as a nation, and the easier it is to… waitaminnit, who’s doing it? Hanks? Aw… I love that guy!”
• Following Owen Wilson’s recent suicide attempt, Matthew McConaughey has taken over Wilson’s role in the upcoming Ben Stiller-directed comedy Tropic Thunder. When informed, Stiller, who hadn’t noticed yet, told The Bullets, “Ya know, I thought Owen was taking his shirt off way too much.”
• Country star and fake patriotic fuck-face Lee Greenwood canceled a recent concert held to honor veterans, police, and firefighters. Sources told The Bullets that Greenwood, who sings the anthem “God Bless The U.S.A.” refused to appear after organizers failed to come up with his $20,000 fee. We reached Greenwood’s manager for comment, and he told us, “Well, it’s just like the lyrics say… ‘I’m proud to be an American, where at least I know I’m free/And I won’t forget the men who died who gave that right to me/Unless you don’t cough up my 20 grand’.”
• Diminutive pop superstar and long-time Bullets favorite Prince surprised the attendees of designer Matthew Williamson’s catwalk show for his new line by staging an impromptu concert at the event in London on Wednesday. After the show, His Royal Badness took off his pants, drew a smiley face on his ass, jumped on a camel, poured a bottle of Mr. Bubble over his head, and rode off while speaking in what witnesses described as “tongues.”
• Tuesday night’s Big Brother 8 finale on CBS was beaten in the ratings by NBC’s finale of The Biggest Loser. A Spokesperson for CBS told The Bullets, “Fine… we’ll just put more fat people in the house next year.”
• And finally, Dr. Joyce Brothers turns 78 today. The Bullets would like to take this opportunity to wish Dr. Brothers a very happy brithday, and to thank her for all the years of pantsuits, scarves, and dubious advice. Unless she’s dead, in which case we’ll update this later… Our research dept. is looking into it.

The Emmy show wasn’t without it’s high points. Here’s one… Stewie & Brian’s spectacular opening musical number:

And one more quick note: If you haven’t been watching Warner Bros. The Batman cartoon recently, you’ve missed Robin, Batgirl, Martian Manhuner teaming up with Bats to save the Earth from an alien invasion…

And oh yeah… you missed THIS:

Set your tivos… the new Season starts up Saturday Sept. 22nd!

Those are The Bullets for this week kids. Until next time, keep your powder dry. Whatever powder that may be.

Things were so barren here at JUN, that when the Emmy nominations came out I actually posted my response on PoeWar, but now that we’re up and running again, I’ll do the wrap up here where they belong, and with 75% more sassmouth.

Freakin Best Drama: In JCland, The Shield (not nominated) once again walked away with top honors, but in crap-assed Hollywood the used up old whore that was the Sopranos walked away with the top prize. Congratulations. In your honor I will observe a moment of silence. No wait, I already went through that. As Tony would say, nice ending fuck-for-brains.

Best Actor: in JCland Michael Chiklis (not nominated) walked away with this, but in Hollywood, James Spader had to waddle up on the stage to accept his prize. Yeah, he’s pretty good on that lousy show, but of any of the nominees, Hugh Laurie ought to have got it just for the scene where he lay in his own vomit. Now that’s acting!

Best Actress in a Drama: Yeah, big Hollywood Sally Field got it. In her honor Fox TV observed a moment of silence. That network has some Goddamn class!

Best Supporting Actor in a Drama Series: Apparently the Emmies were still watching the 2005 Lost, because they gave it to Terry O’Quinn who should have been counted in the Guest Actor slot this year. What did he get, two shows out of 22? Michael Emerson’s bug eyes should have won. I would have loved to hear their acceptance speech.

Best Supporting Actress in a Drama Series: Katherine Heigl is smokin’ hot. I can live with this one.

Best Comedy Series: My pick, anything BUT Ugly Betty, won. Hmmmm, Butt Ugly Betty, now that would have been an even BETTER name for the show.

Best Actor in a Comedy Series: Ricky Gervais? That no talent hack? When, oh when will they recognize Charlie Sheen’s awesome comedic timing?

Best Actress in a Comedy Series: They gave it to America Ferrara, who in a bold move sent up a drag queen to accept the award for her. Way to recognize the little people America!

Best Supporting Actor in a Comedy Series: Jeremy Piven won! And he stayed in character by acting like a total a-hole when he accepted the award. Suck it India!

Best Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series: Jaime Pressly won, and she was nice enough to bring her twins up when she accepted. I couldn’t have been happier for them.

Best Variety, Music, or Comedy Series: The Daily Show! Awesome! Suck it Colbert!!!

Everything Else: Tony Bennett and Robert Duvall. Coincidentally, they’re gonna team up as buddy cops next year! Look for Blue Steel and Blue Veins to sweep the 2009 Emmies!

Now it’s time for me to give out some awards:

Best imitation of a straight guy imitating a gay guy imitating a straight guy: Ryan Seacrest

Best Musical Performance that had next to nothing to do with the TV show it paid tribute to: I’m looking at you Jersey Boys!

Best Dick Move: Cutting Duvall off to talk to the blogger. Hey’ I’m a blogger and I wouldn’t even do that!

Best Kanye West Impersonation: Kanye West. He’s perfected the act!

Best inappropriate Shot of a Guy in the Audience: Was that a far too lingering shot of Tom Selleck during the Soprano’s tribute? It sure was!

A message to the Kansas City Chiefs, from JUN Sports special correspondent Bill Lumberg:

Hey Kansas City, whaaaaat’s happening. Listen, I don’t know if you’ve heard, but we’re attaching a cover sheet to all the TPS reports here from now on. Oh, and we’re not gonna kick the ball to Devin Hester. Hey, did you get that memo? Yeeeeah. And your fans are gonna need you to go ahead and come in to work on Sunday. We’re trying to play a little catch-up here, so if you could just do that, that’d be greeeeat.

Oh, and here’s another copy of that memo. Thaaaaanks.

It’s time for some football, kids… JUN Sports presents our Week One wrap up.

• The Broncos won. It was ugly, but that’s gonna be their season this year. With one of the worst off-seasons ever recorded, and a wild, crazy-ass kid that no one knows what the hell he’s gonna do next as starting QB, they’re gonna have to be scrappy, and make it through the season just like they made it through the opener… by any means necessary.
• The Broncos-Bills game was marred by the horrific injury to the Bill’s Kevin Everett, who at post time, was still not out of the woods yet. In a game that is brutal by nature, that was exceptionally brutal. We here at JUN Sports hope that he’ll be OK… but it doesn’t look good.
• The Raiders took a bad loss in The Black Hole. As one of our JUN Sports correspondents actually bleeds Silver & Black (He does… I’ve seen it) we will refrain from extensive raider bashing here. We’ll just leave it with saying that since they were apparently using the “we don’t need you to win” chip in their signing negotiations with Jamarcus Russell… guess who just made a PILE of money today, and will probably be suited up on Wednesday?
• Check out the highlights from the Green Bay – Philly game. It looks like a giant fucking rugby scrum, mixed with “catch the greased-up deaf guy” from Family Guy.
• Both the Cowboys & the Giants look pretty good offensively… but the score says that both of their Ds need a little work, doesn’t it? And with all the guys they already lost during the game, if Eli Manning is out for more than a month, Big Blue is fucked. I don’t know who that back-up QB is, but he looks like the bouncer at a Creed gig in Tallahassee, circa 1996.
• The Bears lost to the Chargers, which was to be expected, I guess… but what was interesting is that they set out to stop LT… and they pretty much did. If you can hold him to 2 TDs, and he has to throw one of them in a freaky fake-screen gadget play… hey, that’s not bad. Of course, now they need to actually win.
• Just as suspected, the addition of happy, healthy Randy Moss has made the Patriots pretty much unstoppable. New England is now a frightening force of nature, and has a good shot at winning it all.
• Speaking of frightening forces of nature, look out for the fucking Colts. They didn’t rest after they won it all last year. They knew everyone would be gunning for them, and they made the appropriate adjustments. Did you see that D? Did you see those new formations (two tight ends????)? Did you see Harrison catch a TD pass from Payton on the left side of the field? Scary stuff, kids.
• A note to anyone in the Viking’s division: Watch your asses. They’re for real, and they pose a threat. As evidenced by his performance today, as well as in the pre-season, they didn’t just decide to make Adrian Peterson’s nickname AD (“All Day”) because it sounds nice. We predict he will be one of the most exciting players to watch in the game this year.
• Um… what the hell happened to Kansas City? Are there dioxins in the water down there? Inquiring minds want to know.
• Clinton Portis finally did some damage for the Redskins. Champ’s been good for the Broncos from the get-go, so it’s nice to see the trade was actually mutually beneficial.
• OK, sure, it was against Cleveland, and that may actually be a Pop Warner team they have there… but the Steelers, particularly Big Ben, looked good. Maybe all that attention they’re getting at the Hall Of Fame shook something loose.
• New Orleans, Tennesee, Jacksonville, and St. Louis all looked pretty underwhelming.
• The Monday night games were crazy… McNair doesn’t look so good, and Ray Lewis hurt his arm. Cincinatti is the walking wounded, but there’s no denying Carson Palmer performed well, and the team could be trouble this year.
• As for the Niners & the Cards… The Niners won, but Smith looked horrible until the last drive, and no one else was really stepping up. And the Cardinals? They need to get over their habit of losing games they should have won in the last quarter, or their fans will all wind up on Prozac.

Here’s a highlight reel from Week 1, posted by youtuber SunDevilDon.

This has been your JUN Sports NFL Week One wrap-up. We’ll be back to post-mortem Week 2, just like QUINCY, BITCHES! Until then, grab your controlers, and suit those little digital warriors up… It’s MADDEN TIME!

And speaking of Madden…

The silicon chip inside her head
Gets switched to overload.
And nobody’s gonna go to school today,
She’s going to make them stay at home.
And daddy doesn’t understand it,
He always said she was as good as gold.
And he can see no reason
‘Cause there are no reasons
What reason do you need to be shown?

Tell me why?
I don’t like Mondays.
Tell me why?
I don’t like Mondays.
Tell me why?
I don’t like Mondays.
I want to shoot
The whole day down.

We would like to take a moment before we begin this edition to proudly announce the return of The Bullets T-Shirt Photo Contest. The rules remain simple: Just take a picture of yourself in this weeks featured t-shirt, and e-mail it to us at thebullets@gmail.com. The winner, as always, will have the winning photo posted in the next edition, and will recieve the customary $10.00 prize in their paypal account. So grab that shirt & that camera, and get snappin’ bitches!!!!!

*NOTE: All photos sent become the property of The Bullets, and my appear anywhere on the internet at any time, especially if you’re a hot girl.

• Speaking of which, High School Musical star Vanessa Hudgens took naked pictures of herself, and they wound up on the internet. And we’d just like to take a moment to say that we’re all for it. And if her actions convince more smokin’ hot 18 year-olds to take naked pictures of themselves that end up on the internet, well frankly we’re just not seeing the downside. So mazel tov, Vanessa, not only for your shining example, but also for being the first one of those HSM kids to do anything we’d want to see.
• A post script to the above bullet… it’s getting increasingly difficult to actually see Hudgens’ nude pictures, due to actions being taken by Disney lawyers. We’d like to let our readers know that we would have posted them here, but we’re already in some legal hot water over our recent posting of clips from the lost Bea Arthur-Estelle Getty lesbian shower scene from the series finale of The Golden Girls, which as you may recall resulted in numerous suicide attempts.
• Fading trailer-trash pop princess Britney Spears is in Vegas this weekend for the MTV Video Music Awards, and she has been… ah, ya know what? Fuck it. Nevermind.
• Foxy Brown In The Slammer! We were perusing Yahoo News today, and when we saw that, we thought that they were advertising an old Pam Greir flick for some odd reason. Turns out, the phrase has another connotation. Huh. How ’bout that.
• Famed director Ang Lee’s latest film Lust, Caution won the top prize at the Venice Film Festival again, a scant two years after Lee won the same prize for the Citizen Kane of gay cowboy movies, Brokeback Mountain. While in the press room after recieving his award, Lee said, “WHY YOU NO LIKE HULK????? HULK RULES!!!!!!”
• Aussie Superstar & notorious hothead Russell Crowe is in Maryland this month shooting his latest movie, the Ridley Scott-directed thriller Body Of Lies, which marks Crowe’s fourth collaboration with his Gladiator director. In a related story, anxious Bullets readers everywhere are resigning themselves to a likely new surge of lame, out-dated, Russell-Crowe-throwing-phones-at-people gags.
• Per The Hollywood Reporter, the Showtime network has already renewed David Duchovney’s red-hot new series Californication for a second season. Elsewhere, Duchovney’s old X-Files partner Gillian Anderson will continue to be seen in upcoming episodes of “Yeah, yeah, I used to be Scully… look, just give me my dry cleaning, OK?”
• In a shocking turn of events, Heath Ledger & Michelle Williams are getting a divorce. And we thought it would last forever. Ledger will play Batman’s arch-enemy The Joker in next summer’s highly anticipated sequel, The Dark Knight. Williams can be seen in future episodes of “Yeah, yeah, I used to be Jen on Dawson’s Creek… look, just give me my dry cleaning, OK?” with her co-star, Gillian Anderson.
• Spider-Man star Tobey Maguire is reportedly interested in a role in the upcoming film adaptation of the popular Japanese anime series RoboTech. Maguire’ production company will be producing the film. The Bullets attended a recent Maguire press conference, and when we asked him about the validity of this news, he said, “That’s right geeks, I’m Spider-Man!!! And now I’m gonna be Rick Hunter or Roy Fokker in RoboTech!!! Maybe I’ll play ‘em both, it’s my movie, SUCKAS!!! And look, this is my wife!!! Check her out, she’s a hottie!!! Yeah, sometimes I do her with the Spidey mask on!!! I get laid all the time!!! Suck it, losers!!!!”
• And finally, Opera superstar and friend of The Bullets Luciano Pavarotti has lost his battle with pancreatic cancer. You were one in a million, Luciano, and we will miss you. And just so you know… after Crazy Joe DaVola, you were our favorite Pagliacci.

Those are The Bullets for this week, kids. We’re off to the clubs… but before we go, we’d like to wish a big Bullets happy birthday to the Head Nerd In Charge, our fearless leader J.C. Party up, pal. And know that, just like Bryan Adams said… everything we do, we do it for you. But… you know… not in a gay way.

I don’t know what is more depressing. The fact that Funky Winkerbean uses a cat to personify Les’ depression, or the fact that they feel the need to explain that the depressing talking cat is just part of Les’ imagination. Either way, this guy is spiraling out of control.

Wouldn’t it have been cooler to bring back the talking computer? Do you remember the talking computer? It was self aware and funnier than any of the human characters. That was before the 1992 reboot and conversion to a “realistic” soap opera. Now that we have talking cats though, I don’t see why we can’t bring back the talking computer. His advice would certainly be funnier. At least the depressing cat in Betty Blue didn’t show up until after an hour and a half of French sex and angst.

I guess what really bothers me is that I recently lost a good friend, and my cat hasn’t has a word to say about the matter. He just buts up against my hand. Does anyone else get frank counsel from a talking cat when they lose a loved one? If so, please leave a comment. I’d like to hear from you, or better yet, your cat.

My Wife’s Suggestion? Take some Prozac, see a therapist and get on with your life. I’m not sure if she’s talking about me or Les, but the advice is good either way.

Things To Do When You’re Bored, #729:

Have a staring contest with Marty Feldman!

Click on the link below to begin.

Standard staring contest rules… first one to blink loses.

If you lose, refresh the page, and try again!

Careful… he’s really good.

Ready?

CLICK!!!!

J.U.N. would like to take this opportunity to wish our pal Owen Wilson best wishes for a speedy recovery. We’ve been in committee all morning, and have decided that we’d also like to take this opportunity to put forth a few theories as to why our crooked-nosed little buddy might have done what he did…

• The dramatic turn Funky Winkerbean has taken was really bumming him out.
• Just got the script for Wedding Crashers II… and yes, it’s that bad.
• Was disappointed in this week’s less than compelling Weeds episode, while simultaneously disturbed by Evan Handler masturbating on Californication.
• Not actual suicide attempt… just rehearsing for next Wes Anderson film & it got out of hand.
• Only way to get Samuel L. Jackson to visit these days.
• Found out he was being replaced by Chris Tucker in all future Jackie Chan “Shanghai” films.
• Tired of bicycle fans asking for autograph. “I’m NOT Matthew McConaughey, damn you!”
• Ben Stiller keeps calling… and calling… and CALLING…
• He’s making a movie with Jennifer Aniston next, and this is preemptive grief over their future hook-up and break-up.
• No one really knows what it’s like to be Dupree… from the inside!
• He didn’t slit his wrists, it was just paper cuts from all the money he was rolling in.
• Can’t believe they forced Gonzo to resign. He’s a good man! A good man!
• Mom always liked Luke best!
• “Now you know my shame. Jedadiah’s impotent rage. His guns don’t fire. Take me away.”

Possible Catalyst?

Note: With the exception of Heathcliff, this may be the least funny talking cat ever.

*post by both Steve & J.C.

As we grind out the last few weeks, we figured it was time to take stock of what was hot this summer, besides going to rehab & the inside of your car. JUN officially brings you The Officials Of Summer 2007:

Official Beverage: Smart Water (What? You’re still drinking the dumb water?)

Official Car: The Honda Fit

Official Hard-To-Pin-Down Bush Appointee: Alberto Gonzalez

Official Hard-To-Pin-Down Looney Tunes Character: Speedy Gonzalez

Official Nostalgic Year:1989

Official Hilarious Late Night Comedy Bit No One Is Watching: Craig Ferguson’s “The Rather Late Programme With Prince Charles” Bit. Seriously, It’s fucking hilarious.

Official Beer: Heineken In The Groovy Lil Keg

Official Hot Dog Topping: Bright Green Relish

Official Song / Warning Sign: Rehab

Official Joan Jett & The Blackhearts Song: This Means War!

Official Event It’s More Fun To Miss Than To Attend: Burning Man

Official Reality Show: Our Neighbors

Official Old TV Show We really Wanna Watch That No One Is Airing Right Now, Dammit: ALF

Official Cut Of Beef: Ribeye

Official Blockbuster: Transformers

Official Pez Dispenser: Garfield

Official Dead President: Garfield

Official City In New Jersey: Garfield

Official Crap Motel: Extended Stay

Official Director: Judd Aptow

Official Cliffhanger That’s Been Driving Us Crazy All Summer: Battlestar Galactica

Official T-Shirt: This one

Official Breakfast Pastry: Cheese Danish

Official Salad Dressing: Roquefort

Official Lame Duck: G.W. Bush

Official Peiking Duck: Dragon Garden

Official Classic SNL Line: “The late Mr. Lupner was born without a spine.”

Official Insult: I’m a big fan of your early work.

Official Joke: Q -What do you call the creatures growing in the garbage strewn all over the floor at Britney Spears’ house? A -Her children!

Official Celebrity Fued: Michael Vick vs. Dogs

Official Celebrity Hook-Up: Jessica Beil & Justin Timberlake

Official Celebrity Break Up: Kate Hudson & Owen Wilson

Official Celebrity Fuck-Up: Cuba Gooding Jr. In Daddy Day Camp

Official Still Not a Slut Starlet: Hillary Duff!

Official JUN Post That’s Gone On Too Long: THIS ONE!!!

Hope you all had great summers!

*post by both Steve & J.C.

Twenty-twenty-twenty four hours to go
I wanna be sedated
Nothin’ to do and no where to go-o-oh
I wanna be sedated
Just get me to the airport put me on a plane
Hurry hurry hurry before I go insane
I can’t control my fingers I can’t control my brain
Oh no no no no no

Ba-ba-bamp-ba ba-ba-ba-bamp-ba I wanna be sedated
Ba-ba-bamp-ba ba-ba-ba-bamp-ba I wanna be sedated
Ba-ba-bamp-ba ba-ba-ba-bamp-ba I wanna be sedated
Ba-ba-bamp-ba ba-ba-ba-bamp-ba I wanna be sedated

• The mystery of the whereabouts of “Rehab” singer & all-around drunken mess Amy Winehouse was cleared up this week. Her husband Blake Fielder-Civil says that the two have sought help at a “retreat” and that Amy is doing fine, and is “determined to get well.” The Bullets tried to reach the ‘retreat’ for comment, but during the conversation, Amy bashed the admitting nurse over the head with a
  coffee table she dragged out of the group therapy room, then ripped the phone out of the wall.
• It was announced Thursday that former Girls Gone Wild star and Bush daughter Jenna is engaged to her long-time boyfriend, political hack Henry Hager. The Bullets has learned from a source close to the president that The White House is already busy with wedding preparations, including renting 500 tuxes for the secret service, wire-tapping prospective guests to get a head start on the thank you cards, and sending U.S. military forces into Macy’s for a china pattern that they don’t carry.
• Paris Hilton caused a mob scene as she launched her new clothing line at the Kitson Boutique in L.A. Friday, in an event benefitting the L.A. Children’s Hospital. Paris said she’s been “really blessed by God” and she just wanted to give something back. Ya know Paris, the charity thing was nice… but we’re not sure that snowballing Adrian Grenier is the kind of giving something back that the big guy has in mind.
• Two men died at the New Jersey stop of this year’s Ozzfest on Thursday. A spokesperson for Ozzfest organizers told The Bullets, “Wow. We knew Static X sucked, but we didn’t think it would actually kill anybody.”
• Prison Break star Dominic Purcell is claiming that the upcoming third season of the hit Fox drama will be “the best season thus far.” The actor, who has also starred in Blade: Trinity & Mission Impossible II told TV Guide that everyone should really enjoy the new episodes, except for the kid Lane Garrison killed in that car accident.
• In other TV news, Nichelle “Uhuru” Nichols will join her Star Trek crewmate George “Sulu” Takei in the upcoming season of Heroes. Series creator Tim Kring has also told TV Guide that since the ashes of James “Scotty” Doohan never actually made it into space, he would like them to play the contents of an ashtray in a future episode, just as soon as they finish sweeping all of him up.
• Country singer Travis Tritt has a new album, The Storm, that critics are calling soulful, rocking, and even funky. When The Bullets reached it for comment, a mostly disinterested America said, “That guy still makes albums?”
• Speaking of new albums, The Eagles’ Long Road Out Of Eden will be retailing at Wal Mart for just $11.88, even though it’s a double CD loaded with 20 tracks. When asked why the low price, A Wal Mart representative told The Bullets, “That’s nothing. When the next Rolling Stones album comes out, we’re actually gonna pay you to take it.”
• Hottie-Boom-A-Lottie & former No Doubt front woman Gwen Stefani will extoll the joys of motherhood in a cover story in next month’s issue of InStyle magazine. Gwen even takes her 1 year old son Kingston with her on tour. We don’t really have a story here, The Bullets just wanted to give little Kingston his props… we’ve been wanting to pass through Gwen’s vagina since Tragic Kingdom.

Those are The Bullets for this week kids. Don’t take any wooden nickels… and we really shouldn’t hafta tell you that.

Never been a huge fan of the Rock & Roll Hall Of Fame. To me it always seemed like the Hollywood Walk Of Fame. An advertising gimmick, payed for by record companies & agents, not a genuine “honor.” And I was also dubious of the selection process. How do you induct The Clash & Patti Smith, and The Sex Pistols, but miss Television or The Buzzcocks? Why is Van Halen in, but not The Cars? Why James Taylor and not Cat Stevens? Booker T. & The M.G.s and not The Bar-Kays? See what I mean, it drives me crazy!!!

BUT…

Some of those feelings changed last week when I had the pleasure of visiting the Rock & Roll Hall Of Fame & Museum. I only stayed for a day, but I could have done two, easy. And if they’d let me take my camera in… I’d probably still be there. So, regardless of the stature of the Hall Of Fame itself, there is nothing in dispute over the quality of the museum it has put together for it’s inductees.

And here are just a very few of the very many things that I saw that I will never forget:

• The guitar Pete Townshend composed most of Tommy on.
• Freddie Mercury’s white outfit with the black lightning bolts on it.
• Jimmy Hendrix’s artwork.
• Joan Jett’s red latex halter top & black converse all stars.
• The envelope that John Lennon wrote In My Life on.
• Jim Morrison’s report cards.
• Joey Ramone’s 3rd Grade class picture.
• The actual broken bass that Paul Simonon is smashing on the cover of London Calling.
• James Brown’s red velvet tuxedo.
• A letter Madonna wrote to a friend when she was at the University of Michigan in 1977, saying how bored she is, how she’s gonna drop out and move to New York, and that how when her parents find out they’re gonna kill her.
• A letter The Damned wrote to The Ramones after their first visit to London, telling them how great it was to hang out with them, and that they hope they see each other again soon.
• The actual Schoolmaster from the Pink Floyd: The Wall concerts, reaching out to grab me from behind The Wall.
• Seeing the other side of The Wall, upon which, like graffitti, Roger Waters had written a story that detailed the reasons he left Pink Floyd.
• Bono’s Fly outfit.
• Tom Petty’s Mad Hatter hat from the Don’t Come Around Here No More video.
• Z.Z. Top’s Eliminator car. That’s right… it’s just sitting there behind some velvet ropes with a sign that says “please don’t touch.” Gimme a fucking break.
• A Christmas card Jim Morrison had made for his parents when he was 12, wishing them a “Cool Yule.”
• Elvis’ first recording contract.
• Joey Ramone’s leather jacket.
• Sid Vicious’ leather pants.
• David Bowie’s Thin White Duke outfit.
• The Les Paul exhibit.
• The little kid in The Ramones t-shirt!
• The guy who put his hand on the glass over Jimi Hendrix’s coat as if it were transferring magical powers to him…
• Roy Orbison’s Red & White Corvette.
• Joe Strummers’ guitar, with all the set lists still taped to the side of it.
• The jacket John Lennon wore on the cover of Sgt. Pepper’s.
• Elvis’ Snowflake Jumpsuit.
• The goofy, fringed-leather Indian getup Roger Daltrey wore on a BBC show once.
• Michael Jackson’s Thriller zombie outfit.
• The thought that maybe, someday, someone will buy me the framed & autographed Stevie Nicks scarf hanging in the Museum Store. (it’s only $900.00!!!!)

Just Us Nerds has been quiet for a while. Like all fun ventures, it had it’s peak and has since dwindled. Today I come bearing bad news for what few readers remain. One of our nerds has passed on. Quickdog, known in real life as Timothy Quick, passed away on August 6th, 2007. He was my best friend growing up, and though he had long ago moved to Cincinnati, this site was one of the many ways we kept in touch. For those of you who know Tim, you know how much he will be missed by me and by all of his friends. As this small and unworthy tribute, here are the links to the articles he wrote here, his Flickr account and the guest book for his obituary.

Quickdog on Flickr

Guestbook

Articles
Quickdog Weighs in on the World Cup or … Why Americans Just Don’t Care!
Quickdog Weighs in on Star Trek
Quickdog Weights in on South Park

Tim in Photos…

Ten Things I Will Always Remember About Tim That Mean Nothing to Anyone Else: These are just for you buddy!

1. I think we can make it!
2. Why the water fountain at the Dairy Queen never tasted so good
3. Bush Gardens
4. How we came out even in a pack of 13 donuts
5. The graphic hole
6. Why we couldn’t play darts and Jennifer Ash’s house
7. The worst pizza ever made — twice
8. Go Marquette!
9. The Living Room
10. Why my yearbook seems awfully psychic

Oh and I’m sorry I couldn’t get you the A in Newspaper Graphics. I should have tried harder.

I’m going to miss you my friend.

Finally, I would like to link to Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation International. I sure would like to see this disease eradicated before it claims anyone else I care about.

Mr Media,
I hear that Christin Slater is in talks to reprise his role as Edward Carnby in Alone in the Dark II. I think the original Alone in the Dark was the best movie based on an Atari game since Yar’s Revenge. My question is, will Tara Reid reprise her role as Aline Cedrac and is she functionally illiterate?
Barry, a Real Fan

BARF,
Tara Reid is not functionally illiterate. You are confused because the character she was playing in AITD, an archaeological scientist, was functionally illiterate. No, the character wasn’t written that way, as such, but Tara made the bold choice to play her that way and I think we are all energized by the experience. As for whether she will reprise her role, let’s just hope that Uwe Boll can come up with enough blow. Either way, I am looking forward to more scary lava dogs and lengthy exposition.

There is a plot out there. It is a plot to ruin America. We all see it. We all know it. It is coming at us from all directions, even from our ice cream. Someone is trying to turn All-American ice cream into some sort of fancy gourmet dessert that saps us of our vital fluids. This list is just a warning. I need to be very clear. There are only five safe flavors: chocolate, vanilla, stawberry, pistachio and mint. Anything else is suspect.

1. Butter Pecan – Can you believe this is the third most popular flavor in the United States? It is obviously a plot by the left-wing nut-nuts.
2. Cherries Jubilee – OK, now this has got to be part of the homosexual agenda. No straight man could possibly order an ice cream with jubilee in its name.
3. Truffle – This is yet another example of the French plotting to destroy the American way of eating.
4. Pralines ‘n Cream – I don’t know what a praline is, I don’t know what a praline does, but I know it sounds un-American. It has got to be some kind of French thing. Screw you Frenchie!
5. Cherry Garcia – Why don’t we just take some mushrooms and smoke a doobie? Seriously, this flavor is an acid trip waiting to happen.
6. Half Baked – And here is another druggie flavor. This is a gateway ice cream and we all know it.
7. Nutty Coconut – OK, what is wrong with this picture? There are three regular nuts and coconut on top of that! Eating this is like chewing asphalt.
8. Vermont Blueberry – OK, blue ice cream just feels wrong. I don’t want any part of it.
9. Cinnamon – What the hell? Ice cream should not burn your tongue. Whoever thought of this is just plain sick in the head.
10. Russian Nesselrode – The cold war may be “over” but I for one am not eating anything with Russian in its name. Also, what in the name of all that is holy is a Nesselrode?
11. Dutch Chocolate – We don’t need the Dutch for anything, including chocolate. I’ll take some good old-fashioned American Chocolate thank you.
12. Turkish Coffee – Don’t they put heroin in Turkish coffee? Just what I need, coffee and a smack habit.
13. Orange Sherbet – Should sherbet even be considered ice cream? I don’t know but the whole thing makes me kind of leery. Also, look at that spelling. There’s no second R in sherbet. I am not going to eat an ice cream that the whole country mispronounces.
14. Burgundy Cherry – Alcoholism is nothing to joke about. What does this ice cream say to the youth of America? Nothing good, I can assure you.
15. Neapolitan – This ice cream is all about trying to please everybody. Pick a side. Either order chocolate, vanilla or strawberry. Don’t screw around trying to get them all. This is more French crapola.
16. Oatmeal Cookie Chunk – There is no crying in baseball and there are no grains in ice cream! This is just madness.
17. Peppermint Stick – There should be only one mint flavor in ice cream, and that flavor is mint. Peppermint just confuses people.
18. Chocolate Raspberry Truffle – This sounds like a wedding cake idea gone horribly wrong. Raspberry is about the worst berry on the planet. What is with the hard little seeds? Just say no!
19. Pistachio Almond – For some people I guess pistachio just wasn’t good enough. They had to put almonds in. Pistachio has always been just fine without another nut to help it out. Adding almonds says that pistachio cannot stand on its own, and I simply will not let anyone push pistachio around. Not on my watch comrade.
20. White Chocolate Chip – Chocolate chips are supposed to be black. Next thing you know they’ll be expecting me to eat black vanilla and yellow strawberry. How can we raise a nation of men on white chocolate chips?

Phonee: A person who fakes or abuses a cell phone call to avoid or manipulate contact with other people.

Example:
Does that phonee expect me to believe he is closing an international business deal at Walmart?

Outproof: Immune to corporate outsourcing.

Example:
I had thought about becoming an engineer, but bartending is much more outproof.

Outproofing: To make career or educational choices based on the desire to avoid losing your job to workers in another country.

Example:
I’m outproofing my new position by learning to speak Mandarin.

Propertunity: The chance to move to an area with affordable housing.

Example:
Sure the job pays better, but with those housing prices there’s no propertunity.

• Bullwinkle – Perhaps the most perfectly absurd but utterly plausible name in history.
• Potsie – Happy Days was filled with great names like Pinkey and The Fonz, but a name like Potsie is just perfect because it means nothing but implies so much.
• Boner – Sidekicks always get the best names, but holy crap! Boner!!! They called him Boner! And it was a family show. Priceless.
• Morticia – The Addams Family was a show that was filled with great names like Gomez, Wednesday, Pugsley and Uncle Fester. All could be winners, but how can you not love that they not only named her after a mortician, they somehow made it sound sexy.
• Beaver – This name lead to the best line in the history of television, “Ward, I think you were a little hard on the Beaver last night.”
• Gilligan – No name screams “well meaning idiot who will probably doom us all” like Gilligan. It is the perfect name for the perfect fool.
• Xena – It’s hard to believe that Xena was not an actual figure in Greek mythology, but with a name like that she fit right in and you knew from the get-go that she would kick your ass.
• Fez – We never knew Fez’s real name. Instead, they turned the phrase Foreign Exchange Student into Fez, which managed to sound Foreign anyway.
• Frasier – First off, Frasier is the perfect name for the stuffy but lovable psychiatrist turned drunk turned radio host, but what really gets it on the list is this admission on Cheers shortly after our man Frasier was dumped by Diane just before their Italian wedding, “When playing soccer, if someone completely misses the ball and falls down it is called a Frasier. If he is knocked out cold it is called a Frasier Crane.”
• It’s a nine-way tie between Urkel, Mork, Spock, Quark, Horshack, Hawkeye, Alf, Gomer and Dilbert.

Dear Mr. Media,
I’ve seen the previews for Wild Hogs and it looks bad, not quite as bad as Battlefield Earth but definitely worse than Be Cool. Still, I can’t think up the proper way to insult the movie when my moron friends ask me to go see it this week. Can you help me out?
Stumped in Mesa / Phoenix

Dear SIMP,
I sympathize with your dilemma. Finding the proper insult for this movie is a challenge for most people. Luckily, I am filled to the brim with snark so I can help. Here are a few handy phrases:

• Picture the kids from Stand By me all grown up and lobotomized. Oh, and one of them is black now.
• It’s St. Elmo’s Fire for a new millennium!
• Hey William H. Macy, I’m a big fan of your early work!
• If I wanted to see four middle-aged men on motorcycles deal with their mid-life crisis, I’d visit your mother.
• I always wondered who was the better actor, Tim Allen or Martin Lawrence. Now I can finally see them head-to-head!
• Remember how John Travolta was cool, then he wasn’t, then he was again? Me either.
• So a Hollywood casting director thinks Martin Lawrence looks about the same age as William H. Macy. Maybe you should lay off the drugs Martin.
• Wow, I guess they made a movie out of Twenty Good Years.
• Hey Tim Allen, The end of your career just called, it wants to get together..

Meg Ryan as an obsessive psycho stalker, yeah, I buy that.

They had me at Samuel L. Jackson as Principal Firebush. That has to be one wacky high school.

I always felt that Jaws was a misunderstood creature. He could have been a lovable pet, if only given the chance.

By gnawing through a dike, even a rat may drown a nation.
Edmund Burke

I like it when I strut.
Delta Burke

He had no failings which were not owing to a noble cause; to an ardent, generous, perhaps an immoderate passion for fame; a passion which is the instinct of all great souls.
Edmund Burke

I still have my days when I wake up and look at myself and think, You’re such a dog.
Delta Burke

I venture to say no war can be long carried on against the will of the people.
Edmund Burke

If you want to say it with flowers, a single rose says: “I’m cheap!”
Delta Burke

Beauty is the promise of happiness.
Edmund Burke

Yes, I really do love tiaras.
Delta Burke

Flattery corrupts both the receiver and the giver.
Edmund Burke

I don’t like deliberate cruelty in stand-up comics, and I was the brunt of a lot of it.
Delta Burke

He that struggles with us strengthens our nerves, and sharpens our skill. Our antagonist is our helper.
Edmund Burke

I’ll do humor about myself, I’ll poke fun and everything, but that’s me and I can do it to me. I think it’s cruel to do it to somebody else.
Delta Burke

Dear Mr. Media,
I recently read the Dakota Fanning is being horribly exploited. This was accompanied by footage of her living in a dilapidated shack. I have to wonder, is Dakota Fanning working in a Kazakhstan sweat shop?
Worried About Dakota.

Dear WAD,
I am happy to report that Dakota is neither working in a sweat shop nor on location in Kazakhstan. She spent this week promoting a coming of age story called Hounddog. The story, which I am told is NOT a remake of Because of Winn Dixie, is about a young girl coming growing up in the deep south during the sixties. Apparently some people are concerned about the film because, rumor has it, Dakota is actually acting in this one. Rather than portray a perky young asexual waif who is wise beyond her years, she plays a character that is not overly intelligent, funny, perky or out to kill Robert DeNiro. This is troubling to most people. Also, the movie contains sexual themes, and not happy I just kissed a boy for the first time themes. Apparently there are bad people out there, and Dakota’s character has a rather nasty run in with one of them.

Some people are concerned that Dakota can’t tell reality from acting. If this is the case, I feel very bad for her. In her world, Sean Penn is retarded, Lynn Redgrave is a witch, Michael Myers is a psychotic cat, aliens are constantly attacking and kidnapping people and Tom Cruise is her father. Pretty scary stuff if you ask me. I personally like to think that Dakota, who actually reads the scripts for movies before she takes a job, was pretty sure that she wasn’t really being sexually assaulted.

Dear Mr. Media,
I know this question sounds a little strange, but it’s been nagging at me for quite some time. Back in 2003, Owen Wilson made his second movie with Jackie Chan, Shanghai Knights. Ever since that movie, Jackie Chan has all but disappeared and Owen Wilson has begun to look a lot like a rotting corpse. So, can you please tell me, did Jackie Chan murder Owen Wilson?
Devoted Owen Admirer

Dear DOA,
I really don’t know how these rumors get started. Jackie Chan is one of the class acts of Hollywood and would never stoop to killing another actor just because that actor spent most of his time staring vacantly at the wall and mumbling to himself. No, Jackie and Owen even appeared together again in Chan’s 2004 movie, Around the World in Eighty Days. The real answer to your question is that Wilson was killed during filming of The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou when Bill Murray beat him to death with a scuba tank for taking too long to read one of his lines (Murray claims he was just trying to wake Wilson up). Luckily for Wilson, his death has done nothing to slow down his career. Thanks to advancements in CGI technology, Wilson is booked for three upcoming movies including another movie with his old friend, Wes Anderson. The new film, The Darjeeling Limited, is expected to be one of Anderson’s best, and may even be comprehensible. As for Jackie Chan, the reason he’s not doing very many movies is because he really, really old.

Dear Mr. Media,

The first season of Lost was awesome! I thought the characters were interesting and I loved that the Island had so many secrets. I didn’t like the second season quite as much, mainly because they spent so much time on The Tailies and then just killed them all off. This season seems even less interesting. I don’t like The Others and I guess I feel like they are taking time from characters I do like, such as Hurley, Claire and Charlie. Also, I keep getting confused about all of the plot points that seem to get picked up and then dropped again at random. I guess my question is, why does Lost suck so much now?

Decidedly Unhappy Lost Lover

Dear DULL,

You think the problem is with the show, but unfortunately the problem is with you. You made a lot of incorrect assumptions at the beginning of the show’s run. You expected the story to follow the lives of The Losties – the people who appeared in the first episode. That was a mistake. The Losties were what we in the business call a Red Herring. It turns out that the characters that started on the show were merely a clever diversion away from the truly important characters.

In the second season you made a similar mistake. You assumed that the new characters, The Tailies, would be important to the plot and you tried to care about them (even though most of them were uninteresting to you) merely because the show spent so much time on them. Once again you were sucked in by a Red Herring. The Tailies were merely a tool by which to introduce The Others.

Now, from all of this you would assume that The Others would be the key characters. Don’t make this mistake. The Others merely serve as a tool to introduce the truly important characters, which I have dubbed The Other Others. Keep your eyes open — they’re coming.

If all of this seems confusing, it is only because you the viewer have failed the show. Have you watched each episode multiple times, preferably taking notes? Have you read the online content, perhaps creating a database of information? Have you called the phone numbers? Have you read the analysis on all of the blogs? Have you watched the commercial shorts? If you haven’t done all of those things, and stupidly thought that watching the show would be enough, you have no one else to blame but yourself. So to answer your question, the show doesn’t suck, you do.

Mr. Media,
Is Paula Abdul a Tree Frog? I looked them up in the Wikipedia, and the description seems to be spot on.
Thanks,
Curious Reader in Miami Proper

CRIMP,
No, Paula Abdul is not a tree frog. She is also not a tiny proton or neutron. Paula is a talented singer and performer who just happens to suffer from frogitis, a rare condition that results in an increased frog-like look, a tendency to speak in nonsensical phrases and a weird attraction to bullet trains. Paula needs our understanding during this difficult time in her life. Send her a loving note or some caviar.

The highlights are few and far between this week, so I’ll cover them all at once.

Monday

Star Trek: Voyager
Janeway and crew start their long voyage home all over again tonight on Spike. The first season was pretty rocky, but they’ll get to the watchable stuff eventually.

What About Brian?
Brian gets sentenced to community service. Apparently being a putz IS a crime.

Tuesday

Big Day

The bachelor party is taking place on the same day as the wedding and it lasts less than an hour. Nice work dudes.

Wednesday

King of Queens
The plot is the usual mishmash of crap about a dog and a massage chair. It will produce approximately three laughs, which has been the average for KoQ since the beginning. On the upside, Lou Ferrigno guest stars.

Thursday

OC
Ryan, Taylor, Summer and Seth go on a road trip. Looks like they’re going to Vegas. See you there Summer!

Friday

Justice
In what will quite possibly be the last episode of Justice ever, they have a Christmas party. I guess a goodbye party would be a bit presumptive.

Friday

Ghost Whisperer
It’s welcome to the jungle for Melinda, who finds herself in an eerie new place with a ghost who has a speech disorder. Sucks for her. Jay Mohr is back as Dr. Payne. Sucks for him.

100 Greatest TV Quotes & Catchphrases
We’ve reached the top twenty. I don’t want to ruin the surprise for anybody, but the number one probably isn’t “BoooYaaaa”.

Numb3rs
It’s time for standard police procedural plot #11: online predator. A serial killer is preying on young girls recruited over the Internet. Also, this is the week that Larry leaves to go to 24 . . . errr, NASA.

Saturday

Christmas Do-Over
It’s another glorious Saturday night and you have no business being at home. If you happen to have the flu or a lack of social skills, however, you can watch this Groundhog Day meets A Christmas Carol “comedy”. Mohr importantly, you get to see Jay Mohr take one more giant step away from relevancy as the idiot who needs hundreds of Christmas Days to get it right. This movie also answers the important question, “What ever happened to Adrienne Barbeau and Daphne Zuniga?”

Sunday

American Dad
The whack-jobs over at American Dad have somehow merged of A Christmas Carol with an Oliver Stone version of the Butterfly Effect to figure out how Christmas would be effected if we had won Vietnam. Lisa Kudrow, Donald Sutherland and Robert DeNiro lend their voices.

Family Guy
Brian makes out with Meg behind his girlfriend’s back. Since Brian is a dog, this is both sad and sick. Since Megan is as close as a human being comes to being a troll, it is even sadder and sicker. Sounds like a good episode.

This Weekend’s Pick N’ Flick

The Lord of the Rings Trilogy
If you’ve got a dozen or so hours to kill this weekend, TNT is airing the entire Lord of the Rings Trilogy. That’s right, Frodo takes his long, long walk on TNT. Bring a pillow and a butt load of popcorn.

The Office
It’s Christmas at Benihana this week as the staff finally begins to act on the seething hatred that has been building since the merger. The party committee divides into two warring factions. Michael gets dumped. The boys go out drinking while the girls fight. It may be the bestest, most wonderfullest and specialest xmas ever.

‘Til Death
Joy and Eddie ruin Steph’s party when they fight over whether unplugging the toaster saves electricity. Yup, that’s what it says. I wouldn’t lie to you. They must think their Seinfeld now.

Scrubs
JD gets to know the woman who is having his baby. Maybe they’ll even find out they like each other. Turk starts giving medical advice on the down low to make money. The Janitor leads a strike for dental insurance.

30 Rock
Liz is dumping her beeper-selling boyfriend. I’m gonna miss him, at least until Monk is back on the air.

OC
Is it Chrismukkah again already?

Tonight’s Pick N’ Flick

Rambo: First Blood Part II
No eighties movie was soaked in more testosterone than Rambo. Rambo could not be beaten. Sheer force of will and a workout regimen that would kill a normal man combined to make him nearly invincible. Yes John, we get to win this time.

Bones
This is the episode directed by David Duchovny and guest starring Kathy Reichs, the author of the books this show is based on. It figures then that this is a legacy episode, delving into Brennan’s mysterious and somewhat shady family. Also, Zack has to defend his dissertation with the help of Angela. Also, they snuck a mystery in, so this should be a pretty packed hour.

Day Break
The show nobody wants to watch just keeps getting better and better. This week Hopper tracks down one of the key players in the conspiracy to put Hopper away for murder and destroy just about everything else in his life.

Criminal Minds
The crappy show that everyone keeps choosing to watch instead of Day Break keeps chugging along. Morgan gets arrested for murder so the BAU team must get together to prove him innocent. In other words, it’s standard CBS procedural plot #6.

2006 Video Game Awards
Samuel L. Jackson hosts this exciting awards show dedicated to video games. I don’t know about you, but I fully expect The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion to clean up!

Tonight’s Pick N’ Flick

Raising Helen
Watch this movie carefully and see if you can figure out why Helen thinks it is a good idea to take a low-paying crap job instead of her high paying fashion gig. I never could figure that out.

NCIS
It’s technology run amok week at NCIS when an automated vehicle named Otto (Get it, Otto / Auto?) starts taking lives. Also, it looks like somebody is finally noticing that Tony keeps disappearing for hours at a time. Nice detective work guys. Should be a fun episode.

House
I don’t know about you, but I’m a little tired of Wilson stepping in and deciding what’s best for House all the time. I realize he is sort of justified this time, since it is his ass on the line too, but let’s remember that this is the same guy who decided House needed to think he was wrong about the cure for a patient and who stepped in to get the bloodstained carpet back when House threw a hissy fit. Let House fight his own battles, I say. This week Wilson cuts a deal with Tritter, but he does it “for House’s own good.” Thanks Wilson, I can’t wait for them to replace you with a beach ball.

Nip/Tuck (Season Finale)
I’ll give Nip/Tuck credit for not being as dark this year, but I still felt that they weren’t back to the level of fun that they had in the first two years. There were some good episodes. The first Brooke Shields one was especially fun and kinky and I loved the crazy Nanny. Unfortunately, the plot was all over the place again. Sometimes I feel like they don’t even watch their own show. In the finale, Sean wants to sell his shares in the business . . . again and Escobar’s Wife wants a face lift. It would be funny if the last shot was of Quentin and Kit opening a bagel shop in Vancouver. Well, it would be funny to me anyway.

Barbara Walters Presents: The 10 Most Fascinating People of 2006
I have her list and I’ve sorted it according to who might actually belong on the list and those who are a waste of space.

Sacha Baron Cohen: Hit movie? Check. Lawsuits? Check. A fistfight on the streets of New York? Check. Sasha makes the list.

Anna Wintour: The Devil Wears Prada was based on her. She is both talented and evil. Probably worthy.

Joel Osteen: As leader of the largest church in America, Osteen is worthy of the list, although I would have been more likely to pick Rick Warren. Osteen is not bad for the token religious guy.

Andre Agassi: Our token athlete. I would have picked Lance Armstrong just because the whole Matthew McConaughey BFF thing is kind of weird, but Agassi isn’t bad for the jock position.

John Ramsey: How long are we gonna keep milking the Ramsey cow? When it comes to the token criminal, Mark Foley should have had this spot.

Jay-Z: The only reason he’s on the list is he has an album out this month. Nothing fascinating there, just corporate pandering.

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie: Hit Movie? Last year. Ugly Divorce? Last year. Weird baby story? Tomkat and Madonna both have you beat there. Sorry, Brangelina doesn’t make the list.

Terri Irwin: her husband died. I feel bad for her but I am not fascinated by her. Sorry, off the list.

Patrick Dempsey: The token TV guy leaves me McBored to tears. Why not go with Neil Patrick Harris? He had a massive comeback and a massive coming out. Much more interesting than this guy. Hell, Dempsey, isn’t even the most interesting guy on his own show.

Tonight’s Pick N’ Flick

National Lampoon’s Vacation
This is a funny movie, and a culturally significant one. It marks the beginning of Chevy Case’s descent from his original roles as the smart irreverent guy into the obnoxious stupid guy roles that defined him for the next twenty years . . . and counting.

How I Met Your Mother
Lilly is gonna go all Grinch on their asses and steal Christmas. I hate it when the previews don’t mention Barney, so let’s assume that at some point he says “Snowsuit Up.”

Class
Kat’s college friend (the über-hot Jaime King) joins the cast and intimidates the hell out of Kat. It’s about time she got taken down a notch. Also, Yonk gets Nicole a stripper pole for their anniversary. It truly is the gift that keeps on giving.

Inside the Actor’s Studio
Just a fair warning, Lipton is interviewing that rat-bastard Forest Whitaker. Once again the unholy hell-spawn gets a national forum. Damn you Forest Whitaker!

The Lost Room
Peter Krause plays a homicide detective who finds the key to a room that will take him anywhere in the world. This proves to be an important tool because he just happens to lose his daughter at the same time. What a wacky coincidence! Be careful, Dakota Fanning’s equally creepy sister plays the lost daughter.

CSI: Miami
Horatio must track down a suspected terrorist who is being hunted by the terrorists she is suspected of working with. Can he save her from being killed long enough to get her convicted and give her the chair? Of course, she’ll probably turn out to be innocent. What an exciting plot twist that will be!

The Year Without a Santa Claus
This isn’t the cute animated story, but instead a full-length TV movie about the time when Santa decided to do something else for a year. If you loved John Goodman’s turn as Frosty in Frosty Returns, you’ll love him as Santa. If you absolutely loathed that horrible sequel to the majestic Frosty and feel that it may have done serious damage to Frosty’s legacy and left you scarred for life, than you should probably skip this too.

Tonight’s Pick N’ Flick

Stripes
Bill Murray gives the best performance of his early career as the soldier who epitomizes how desperate the military was for recruits back in the early eighties. If you’ve never had the Aunt Jemima Treatment, now is the time.

Justice
It was a smart move switching Justice to Friday nights, because at this point in December it is about the only thing on. This week our high-powered legal team throws their well-groomed weight behind Jane Seymour. Hey, they aren’t the first.

Law & Order
I checked and it turns out this show is still on. When this Law & Order first began I was still in college and nobody had heard of Nirvana yet. The first George Bush wasn’t even unpopular yet. Hell, this show debuted before 90210! Of course, it’s still younger than the Simpsons so that gives you an idea of how damned old that show is. This week’s “ripped from the headlines” story is about wiretapping and hookers, so it should be fun.

Battlestar Galactica
The fleet faces starvation when the vending machine in the break room goes on the fritz.

Saturday

Hollidaze: The Christmas that Almost Didn’t Happen
Have you heard of Rusty the Reindeer? Me either. It appears he’s heading to New York to find out who is naughty or nice but ends up in a support group for holiday icons who hate the holidays. In case that didn’t sound scary enough, Fred Savage provides the voice of Rusty. Let’s just face it, Saturdays suck.

Sunday:

The Amazing Race (Season Finale)
If you’re like me (and if so, how’s the ointment working out?) you don’t watch this show until the finale when you can see the whole thing at once. If so, tonight’s the night.

The Simpsons
Bart and Nelson become best friends, forcing Milhouse to commit ritualistic suicide, or at least whine a lot. Haw haw!

American Dad
Steve and Roger head to New York City, where they become complete and utter failures, much like they always have been. The cool thing is the celebrity voices: John Stewart, John Krasinski and Johnny Galecki. With that many Johns, you know there’s for to be a hooker reference.

This Weekend’s Pick N’ Flick

Trading Places
Eddie Murphy and Dan Aykroyd were never funnier than they were in this story of a rich snob and a street hustler who find their positions in life switched one Christmas.

My Name Is Earl
In a special hour-long episode, Earl and Randy head to Mexico to get Catalina back. Apparently they need to defeat both armed gunman and swingers to do it. Meanwhile, Joy is taking happy pills to cure her anger issues, and it is working. The only problem is that Darnell prefers mean Joy. Lord knows the rest of us do.

Scrubs
Carla is finally having the baby! It’s been about a year and a half since she got pregnant, so it really is about time.

Smallville
In yet another attempt to be relevant (And in an eerie parallel to the Earl storyline) Clark discovers some illegal aliens being imprisoned on a farm and tries to keep them from being deported.

CSI
The killer with the really lame dioramas is back, and so is Danny Bonaduce. Let’s hope this is the last time we see either of them.

30 Rock
Set your pagers on vibrate, it’s time for another episode of 30 Rock, complete with the usual corporate whoremongering. This week they are all up in arms about an appearance on Late Night with Conan O’Brien. I guess it’s good that somebody is.

Tonight’s Pick N’ Flick

The Green Berets
Watch John Wayne be John Wayne in the only major pro-Vietnam movie ever made in America. Sulu is in it too. Can you imagine John Wayne and George Takei hanging out? Oh my!

The King of Queens (Season Premiere)
Yes, it’s back! You can tell by the prime December launch that CBS is really committed to this, the last of its fat guy married to a hot chick sitcoms. Where once these sitcoms roamed the land like the mighty buffalo, they are now sequestered in a few minor preserves (again like the mighty buffalo). After this year, they may well disappear altogether.

Daybreak
Oh Tay! Mr. Diggs spends this day as a hostage. Bet he didn’t see that coming.

Wicked Wicked Games (Series Premiere)
Hey, Tatum O’Neal is back! Much like her character, she has been scorned for 20 years and is now looking for revenge. Stay out of this girl’s middle aged woman’s way.

Watch Over Me (Series Premiere)
Sure, this soap’s premise about a bodyguard and the client who falls in love with him is a little bit worn out by this point, but it’s good to see Casper Van Dien getting work.

Tonight’s Pick N’ Flick

Jack Frost
See Michael Keaton hit an all-time career low when he plays a failure of a father who dies in a car accident and comes back a year later as a snowman so that he can reconnect with his son. The saddest thing about this movie is that George Clooney passed on it to do Batman and Robin, thus reminding us that Michael Keaton once ruled the roost as Batman, but was eventually reduced to taking a movie that was so bad George Clooney turned it down to do the crappy-assed fourth movie of the Batman franchise.

Campus Ladies
The adventures of Joan and Barri are officially the ONLY reason to watch Oxygen. This week our middle-aged sophomores experiment with three-ways and shoplifting.

Gilmore Girls
Luke and Christopher are gonna fight! I’m kind of hoping that they both take one hell of a beating. I want to see a Tyler Durdon style bloodbath. Not just Luke and Christopher either, I want to see the entire town wailing on each other. It’s been coming for a long, long time.

Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show
Once a year, CBS likes to go all FOX on your asses and show the Victoria’s Secret models wearing next to nothing. They do it just for the ratings. I couldn’t be prouder. Gisele will be there. Selita too.

Tonight’s Pick N’ Flick

Empire of the Sun
Do you know why Schindler’s List was shot in back and white? I think it’s because Spielberg shot Empire of the Sun in glorious, oversaturated color and the critics accused him of turning Disney on them. It’s a damned shame. For my money this is the best movie Spielberg ever made. A young Christian Bale and a not-quite-so-old John Malkovich shine in this story of a young boy caught behind enemy lines in China during World War II. Catch it on AMC.

2006 Billboard Music Awards
Highlights will probably include Gwen Stephani’s new “High Class Coke Whore” look, The Killers acting like self-satisfied pricks and at least one rapper getting shot – should be a good time.

Heroes
(Fall Finale) One of the Heroes is gonna die. My money is on D.L. who really didn’t know who he was screwing with. By the way, if Hiro can’t change the past, why would future Hiro go back in time to warn Peter to Save the Cheerleader? Wouldn’t that have been a little pointless?

What About Brian?
Brian tries to use speed dating to lure Bridget into a romantic connection. Jesus, wasn’t shattering a marriage enough? This guy bounces back better than Flubber. Also, speed dating? I believe we have found the cliché plot device of the 00s.

Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip
We know Jordan is pregnant. We don’t know who the father is. I’m going to go against the popular choice of Danny and move right to Jack. Come on, wouldn’t that be a way better plot twist? It would also explain why he is suddenly on her side and why the promos have him resigning.

Tonight’s Pick N’ Flick

Big Daddy

This is the movie where Adam Sandler got too carried away with the nice guy bit. It was OK in The Wedding Singer and even Waterboy but by this point it became clear that the jackass who made movies like Happy Gilmore and Billy Madison so damned fun was gone. He’d been replaced by somebody who wanted to be loved. Still, at least this isn’t Little Nicky, which was a total waste of an hour and a half.

Sweeps are over people and this weekend really shows the strain of TV when nobody is watching. Here’s the best of some mighty slim pickings.

Friday

Ice Wars 2006: USA VS. The World
Once again, the rest of the world is pitted against us. Even in ice skating, we stand alone. Couldn’t they at least have given us the UK and Australia? You know, a Coalition of the Skating? Tune in to see if Brian Boitano can save the day again.

1 Vs. 100
This week features the cast of Las Vegas. Now is your chance to prove you’re smarter than Nikki Cox.

Saturday

The Christmas Card
A soldier visits a family because he got an anonymous Christmas card from them on the front line – kind of creepy if you ask me. Also, since this is the Hallmark channel, I’ve got to wonder if this isn’t an infomercial.

Sunday

Librarian Two: Return to Kind Solomon’s Mine
Noah Wyle reprises his role as a geekier version of Indiana Jones. Guess where he’s going this time? Oh, and it’s directed by Commander Riker. Good to see Frakes getting work . . . I guess.

This Weekend’s Pick N’ Flick

Pearl Harbor
People criticize this movie (probably because the romance is so incredibly lame) but they just don’t know how to watch it. Skip the first 45 minutes and the last 45 minutes. When you see Alec Baldwin, it’s time to go for a snack. If you follow these tips, you can have a pretty pleasant viewing experience. Tivo really helps this one out.

My Name is Earl: The first Must-See comedy block of the new world order begins with Earl teaching Kenny how to gamble. Earl doesn’t exactly strike me as a successful gambler, so this should be interesting.

The Office: This is the Ricky Gervais written episode. Michael finds out one of his new employees has a criminal record and handles it with discretion . . . that’s what she said. And Jim helps Andy hit on Pam.

Scrubs: They are back, Baby, and they brought the Blue Man Group. I am so excited that I am about to lose control . . . and I think I like it.

30 Rock: Tracy, the character not the actor, gets a face tattoo. Tracy the actor just got drunk and drove . . . again. I am picturing a car loaded with Tracy Morgan, Danny Devito, Michael Richards and Mel Gibson. Now that would be an episode to remember. Also, in case you’re wondering, 30 Rock won this week’s “Who gets the Extra Tivo Minute?” contest.

‘Til Death: Eddie pretends to be near death in order to get laid. Been there, done that.

Grey’s Anatomy: Burke and Cristina are feeling the strain, if you know what I mean.

Tonight’s Pick N’ Flick

Dungeons & Dragons: Wrath of the Dragon God
Dragons and Harpies and Orcs – Oh My! If you like evil sorcerers bent on vengeance and fresh faced heroes out to save a kingdom, then enjoy. This one’s for you. On SciFi, of course.

Programming Note: This is the last night of sweeps. Get ready for a long, cold TV winter filled with glorious leftovers.

Christmas In Rockefeller Center – They’re lighting the Tree! Why not celebrate by getting lit yourself.

Bones – The writers over at Bones are absolutely convinced that it is never too late for a Blair Witch Project episode so here we go, into the woods with film students searching for a witch. I am so scared right now.

Jericho (Fall Finale) – It’s a manhunt Baby! Everybody wants to find Jonah. By all means, check any stray whales.

Criminal Minds – Dr. Reid bonds with an aspiring serial killer – Are you thinking what I’m thinking? Road Trip! Meanwhile, Mel Harris guest stars as a congresswoman. Has she reached fiftysomething yet?

Daybreak – Taye Diggs sees if he can fix this whole reoccurring day problem by staying up all night. I’m betting he does it shirtless.

Tonight’s Pick N’ Flick

Brokeback Mountain – Thanks to HBO you can now watch this movie from the comfort of your bedroom without anybody knowing. Feel what it’s like to be a cowboy in love.

NCIS: The team finds a baked serial killer and nary a bud. Who’s killing the killers? Word on the street is, not Dexter. Oh, and it looks like everybody is POed about the Elf Lord’s new book.

Big Day (Premiere): If you ever wondered, “what if 24 was about a wedding instead of international terrorism and homeland security?” then you are the target audience for this show. If you anyone else in the whole wide world, this probably isn’t for you. Hey ABC, turkey day was last week!

House: For the love of god, please let the Tritter storyline end! This week Tritter freezes the accounts of Foreman and Cameron (but apparently not Chase). I really had high hopes for this cat and mouse game when it started, but at this point I’m just bored. Oh, and it looks like that whole Cuddy wants a kid plotline is going to go into overdrive this week too.

My Boys (Premiere): It looks like TBS is getting into the sitcom business and if you go by the previews this girl who hangs out with boys show actually looks sort of funny. Give it a shot. I’m sure they’ll replay it at least a couple of times tonight and this week, so you’ll have plenty of opportunities.

Tonight’s Pick N’ Flick

Before Clint Eastwood made that really good western, Unforgiven, he made this kind of good western, Pale Rider. Well, it’s on AMC tonight. Clint Eastwood plays a (big surprise) drifter who comes to the aid of a small group of miners. Oh, and he dresses like a preacher which ups the creepy factor considerably.

How I Met Your Mother – If you missed last week’s Slap Bet episode, you missed perhaps the funniest sitcom half hour since Seinfeld left the air. This week we’ve got Wayne Brady as Barney’s gay brother. There are so many layers of funny involving that concept that anything less than hilarious will be a disappointment.

The Class – Richie, realizing that he may well be competing with 2.5’s Alan for most pathetic sitcom character ever, refuses to even leave his car.

The Bachelor (season finale) – It’s the final countdown as two women hold their breath to find out which one of them won’t have to pretend to be in love with this doofus any longer.

Heroes – The show that can do no wrong decides it’s time to time travel and we’re all heading back to six months ago. Will Hiro save the waitress, save the pie?

Two and a Half Men – Khandi uses sex to keep Alan from selling her condo . . . and you thought she was stupid.

Studio 60: The cast gets the flu and Matt has to deal with the fallout of losing most of his writing staff – which can’t be too big a deal since he pretty much ignored them anyway. Also, Jordan’s pregnant! Could there BE any more plot?

Threshold – SciFi is going to show all the unaired episodes from last season’s tragically canceled Threshold. I’m still wondering how a smart, cool show starring the likes of Peter Dinklage, Carla Gugino and Brent Spiner could fail to find an audience but in my opinion it was the best show to premiere last year.

Tonight’s Pick N’ Flick

If you haven’t seen North by Northwest during on of its first 8,768,902 showings on cable, it’s on again tonight. Also, one of the Spanish-language channels is showing Aliens. In case you can’t tell, this is not a good night for movies.

I love comedy. Comedy Central is my favorite cable channel and I find myself watching it just about every day. I also love stand-up comedy. There is something magical about a single person standing on stage and connecting with an audience. That said, I’ve been avoiding comedy clubs for years. I love the comics, but I hate the clubs.

Laffs, the comedy club in Tucson is a perfect example of why I hate comedy clubs. It is horribly smoky (something that will be settled come May when the new anti-smoking bill goes into effect in Arizona). The seats are uncomfortable. The tables are long and square which makes it impossible to view the comics from anything but an angle. The drinks and the food are overpriced and the club keeps recycling the same comics over and over. None of these issues, however, would keep me from going.

The reason I absolutely hate to go is the people. Not only are we packed in like sardines, but the sardines I am packed with are rude jerks. Just before the show begins, the loudspeaker intones “Laffs is a 100% heckle-free zone” It orders people to turn off their cell phones and to go out to the bar if they want to talk among themselves. The voice goes on to say that hecklers will be escorted out. That voice is lying.

Every show I’ve been to has been filled with people who seem to think they are at home watching TV. They talk among themselves in loud voices. They take phone calls. They heckle. They generally make asses of themselves and nobody does anything about it.

On Friday, November 17th, hecklers drove Michael Richards over the edge. I am not implying that what he said was justified. Richards went ballistic and he did so in a racial way. Richards did not have the right to say what he said.

Nonetheless, the hecklers deserved to be insulted. They deserved to be cursed. The deserved to be thrown out and they should have been thrown out. They should have been called every insult Richards could think of, except for the ones he used. I have no sympathy for these people, especially now that they’ve gotten one of those slimy publicity-hound lawyers to demand that they be compensated. Compensated?

I’m not going to let Richards off the hook for what he did, but these guys don’t deserve one moment of sympathy and they certainly don’t deserve compensation. They are the assholes who helped Michael Richards bury himself. His career will never recover and the stigma will haunt him personally for the rest of his life. That’s what Richards deserves. The hecklers who drove him over the edge don’t deserve squat.

I doubt I’ll be heading to a comedy club anytime soon. Even if the smoke were gone, the seats were comfortable and the prices were reasonable, the place would still be filled with assholes, and I don’t see that changing anytime soon.

Jericho – The red-state version of Lost continues its post-apocalyptic paranoia-fest. This week food falls from the sky. Knowing that only liberals would give away food, the townspeople panic.

Madonna: The Confessions Tour – Madonna continues her life-long quest to piss off God. Unfortunately, NBC won’t show her desecrating a cross so for the most part the point will be lost on the public. On the plus side, we might get to hear Lucky Star. I love that song.

Show Me the Money – Speaking of the paranoia and lucky stars, Shatner hosts this glorious money-orgy complete with dancing girls a trivia questions. Watch to see if this is finally the week Shatner flips out.

Criminal Minds – This week the gang takes a break from serial killers to smoke out a terrorist cell. I wonder if there will be an insanely restrictive time limit.

Day Break – For those who are pissed off that Lost isn’t on tonight, all I can say is that Day Break rocks. Give the show a chance. If your worried about the whole Groundhog Day thing, don’t, Taye Diggs is far from invincible and he has the bullet-hole to prove it.

Real World: Denver (season premiere) – If you ever wanted a glimpse of the excitement and depravity that is Denver, here is your chance. By the way, if you’re counting, this is the eighteenth edition. If Pedro had to die, why can’t this show? Bring back Undressed.

Tonight’s Pick N’ Flick

Diamonds are Forever – The movie pickings are pretty slim tonight, but this is actually one of my favorite Bond movies. Bond goes to Las Vegas. What happens in Vegas saves the world . . . again. This is the second (and best) of Connery’s three final bond movies.

Tony Bennett: An American Classic – Tony left his heart in San Francisco. I left most of my cash and a part of a dot.com. Either way, the man can sing and it should be a fun evening of music and congratulatory rhetoric.

American Music Awards – Speaking of music and congratulatory rhetoric, the American Music Awards will be celebrating the year in music. Where else can you see Black Eyed Peas duke it out with The Isley Brothers for favorite band? Where else can Nickelback. Pearl Jam and Red Hot Chili Peppers all be considered alternative? Where else can you see the Dixie Chicks get completely ignored for daring to insult George Bush? Well, perhaps at the Grammy Awards, but they aren’t on tonight.

NCIS: Well, I guess I should give them credit for going two weeks without an episode that has one of the NCIS team smack in the middle of a crime. I should, but I can’t. Seriously, if the team is in the middle of this many crimes, maybe the team is the problem.

House: Oh that detective Tritter! He’s at it again, making Wilson miserable. You have to admire his methods, they are so House-like. Patrick Fugit (That cute kid from Almost Famous) is the patient de jour.

Standoff: Ron Livingston is still trying to add a Swinger’s vibe to a fairly depressing and tense crime drama. It still isn’t working. To do it right they need the whole gang, Livingston, Van Horn, Favreau, and Vaughn. That would be one hell of a cop show. This week, Matt gets a stalker. Relax, it isn’t Heather Graham.

Tonight’s Pick N’ Flick

Election – E! the network that requires an exclamation mark, is showing one of the darkest high-school comedies ever made (Heathers is still darker though). Matthew Broderick plays the teacher who conspires to fix a student body election just because Reese Witherspoon is so annoying.

How I Met Your Mother – Robin has a dark secret in her past that involves the Mall. Sure, it will probably have something to do with Tiffany but maybe, just maybe, it will be a Dawn of the Dead reference.

He’s a Bully Charlie Brown – Charlie Brown leads the gang on mission of vengeance after Schroeder gets jumped by a rival gang while getting teabagged by Linus in an alley behind the school – pretty brutal stuff for a cartoon, if you ask me. Wait, no, I think I’m getting it confused with an episode of Oz. It’s just Charlie Brown trying to win back some marbles.

Two and a Half Men – Alan and Charlie go on a double date while leaving Jake Home Alone. I wonder if anything will go wrong?

Heroes: Hiro goes back in time to work at a restaurant. I picture him learning to make some awesome blueberry pancakes, starting a new mantra – Stir the batter, save the world.

Studio 60: Ricky and Ron quit the show. Damn, is Evan Handler ever going to find a steady gig? Plus, what is the point of Ricky and Ron finally earning Matt’s respect if they are just gonna leave the show?

Tonight’s Pick N’ Flick

Doc Hollywood: The Hallmark Channel is showing my favorite Michael J. Fox movie. Fox basically reprises his Alex P. Keaton role, except as a doctor. He gets stuck in a small southern town where he learns a little about life and love from the cranky town doctor and the smoking hot ambulance driver. Julie Warner was never cuter than she was in this movie and Barnard Hughes makes for a great crusty old doctor. There are also a couple of nice performances by Woody Harrelson and Bridget Fonda in smaller roles. Overall, this is just a fun movie to watch.

Friday

Deal or No Deal: Two sisters are playing for twice the money! Don’t believe it. Adding the two-million dollar amount at the bottom does not mean they are playing for twice the money. Statistically their probable earnings have improved only about seven percent and they are going to have to split whatever they earn. The banker has really pulled a fast one this time.

ESPN College Basketball: Coaches vs. Cancer: I’m really rooting for the coaches, but the point spread is WAY in favor of Cancer.

NUMB3RS: The plot has something to do with sinkholes. It pretty much looks like a loser. Even worse, Kathy Najimy is coming out of Veronica’s Closet to join the cast as the new head of Cal-Sci’s Physics, Math and Astronomy program. I do not like this, Sam I Am.

Monk: Monk meets his Dad. For some reason they are showing this one episode in the middle of November and then no more new ones until the New Year. I haven’t a clue why. On the plus side, Monk’s father is Nick Tortelli from Cheers. If he can’t make you laugh, he’ll eat a bug.
Update: Apparently it’s a Christmas episode, thats why they’re airing it in November. Of course, I would think December would have been a better choice, but what do I know?

Saturday

Inspector Mom: That Winnie Cooper girl from The Wonder Years bakes cookies and solves murders. It’s on Lifetime, and I only recommend it because once again Saturday Night sucks eggs.

Saturday Night Live: I guess Ludacris is both the musical guest and the guest host. So if you want to spend a lot of time watching Ludacris, this is your opportunity.

Sunday

Reba (Season Premiere): I think you’ll understand the mildness of my compliment when I say that the funniest show on the CW is back. Watch as Reba inexplicably continues to do favors for her useless ex-husband and makes that face where her mouth is kind of like an O, I think she got it from I Love Lucy.

The Simpsons: Do you remember when Moe took credit for the Flaming Homer? Well, picture the same episode except instead of taking credit for something Homer did, Moe takes credit for something Lisa did and instead of Aerosmith, the guests are Gore Vidal, Michael Chabon, Tom Wolfe and Jonathan Franze. Seriously, can this show be allowed to die yet, or at least let the characters age?

7th Heaven: Eric and Annie convince Ruthie to give up on her hopes and dreams reluctantly return to the show. I mean, come back from “Scotland”.

Family Guy: It looks like Meg may actually have a speaking role this week. Let’s hear it for Meg! Apparently Lois is going to teach Sex Ed at the high school. I’m sure she’ll do so with taste and discretion. Meg is going to take an abstinence pledge but find a loophole. I wonder what hole that loop will be in?

This Weekend’s Pick N’ Flick

Tombstone: You gonna do somethin’? Or are you just gonna stand there and bleed? TNT is showing the best Western of the nineties (face it, you’d rather watch this than Unforgiven) with Kurt Russell as Wyatt Earp and Val Kilmer as Doc Holiday. Everyone knows the plot, the key to this movie was all of the quotable lines. I’ll be your huckleberry…

My Name is Earl: Christian Slater plays a stoner. Now I understand what he’s been doing research for all these years. Part of the show is in claymation or foamation or whatever it is they used for Celebrity Deathmatch.

Smallville: For a moment I was excited because I thought Arizona Diamondbacks’ pitcher Miguel Batista was going to appear on the show, but apparently Batista is a wrestler. Anyway, he plays a guy with the power to suck the bones right out of people’s bodies. To paraphrase Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, Finally, a guy on the show who is supposed to suck. I’ll give them credit though; he looks über-creepy in the previews.

‘Til Death: Steph has an erotic dream about Eddie. I hate to say it, but if she’s having erotic dreams about Brad Garret, she probably needs to go into counseling. At the very least she is suffering from PTSD.

Ugly Betty: Betty is torn between work and home on Halloween. I assume she can’t figure out which place she should screw things up at more. Special guest appearance by Martha Stewart, who I assume will teach Betty how to fashion a decorative shiv.

The Office: It’s the episode we’ve all been waiting for. Jim finally comes back to Scranton and nails Pam in the men’s room by the light of the cookie candle. OK, only the first part is going to happen but the second part is what should happen.

CSI: Identical twins who have never met are murdered on the same night. Which line will come first? Looks like we’re working the same case or only in Vegas?

Grey’s Anatomy: Meredith wants to have a more positive outlook on life. I just want the ho-bag to stop sleeping around.

Barbara Walters Special 30 Mistakes in 30 Years: Please tell me the show is hosted by her talking dog Cha-Cha.

ER: There’s no sign of Forest Whitaker in the cast of tonight’s episode, so you may consider it safe to watch . . . for now.

Tonight’s Pick N’ Flick

Dr. Dolittle 3: It’s straight to video and Eddie Murphy free. If you really love talking animals but you just couldn’t stand to watch Eddie Murphy betray the last shreds of his talent in order to regain commercial success, then this is the talking animal movie for you. Bonus: it’s on ABC Family so if you have a bladder infection you’ll have lots of time to use the bathroom without missing a moment of the film.

Bones: You know that really great episode of CSI in which Nick gets buried alive? Well, I guess the Bones people think they can top it by burying Bones AND Hodges alive. The CSI episode gave the show a depth and resonance that it had lacked for a long time. It captured fear, hope and desperation a way that few shows or even movies ever have. I’m thinking the Bones episode will be funnier.

Dancing with the Stars (Season Finale): Will it be Mario or Emmett? Mario is so good but Emmett has come so far . . . rumor is the loser has to watch the Britney/Kfed video. Let me know how it turns out.

Criminal Minds: A pair of Saint Louis serial killers become bitter rivals. I hope those two crazy kids can work things out. I think they would be much better off as friends. Oh, and a new set of gams joins the team. They are attached to Paget Brewster as FBI Special Supervisory Agent Emily Prentiss. Nice work legs!

Medium (Season Premiere): Patricia Arquette is back, but she’s cut her hair and we all know that spells doom for any TV show. Never change the hair, especially if you don’t have many other attractive features. Oh well, it could be worse. She could have made a sex video with Kfed.

I Pity the Fool (Season Finale): It’s easy to have a season finale when your season is only six episodes long. I’m not really counting on this show getting renewed, so if you’re the sort of person who loves Mr. T, (I’m looking at you Steve) then you might want to tune in while you still have a chance.

South Park (Season Finale): Stan relives every cringe-worthy Bad News Bears / A League of Their Own / Mighty Ducks / Cool Runnings cliché you can think of as he tries to coach the South Park pee wee hockey team to the championship. Didn’t we get enough of this with the “You Got Served” episode or the ski trip episode or the Big Gay Al Episode? I guess not.

Laguna Beach (Season Finale): One last chance to get a look at snotty rich kids living messed up lives. That is, if you don’t count the other thirty or so shows about the same thing. My suggestion, go reread Less Than Zero. Keep a Maxim nearby in case you miss the eye candy.

Drawn Together (Season Finale): If you like poop jokes, barf jokes, racism, sexism, homophobia, cartoons and reality shows, don’t miss the last episode of the season for Drawn Together.

Day Break (Series Premiere): Taye Diggs has to live the same day over and over again, facing death and emotional devastation at every turn. At least he doesn’t spend each day having to feign attraction to Angela Basset.

Tonight’s Pick N’ Flick

John Wayne / John Ford Movie Marathon

If you love John Wayne or John Ford then you have got to be watching TCM tonight. They are showing Fort Apache, She Wore a Yellow Ribbon, Rio Grande, The Horse Soldiers, Donovan’s Reef and The Long Voyage Home. Those six movies would be a career for most actors or directors, but for these two they are just six drops in a mighty big bucket. The two Johns made twenty films together and over 300 films combined.

Friday Nights Lights — It’s the homecoming episode. If their homecoming is anything like my high school’s homecomings, the team will get butchered on the field and the dance afterwards will be sparsely attended by the band geeks and the drama club while the football players are off getting laid despite their inability to score a single touchdown.

Gilmore Girls — Christopher and Lorelai go to France. You know what that means. Somebody break out the stock footage!

NCIS – The team works to clear the name of a homeless Marine. It sounds like a good episode (glad to see a second week that isn’t all about a member of the staff being framed or attacked) but what happened to last week’s bomber? I guess they’ll get to that again another time.

House – You know that guy in a coma who has basically been a prop since the first episode? It looks like they’re finally going to try to figure out what happened to him. Meanwhile, Detective Tritter continues to see if he can send House elsewhere.

Show me The Money (Series Premiere) – Tune in for your morbid fascination with William Shatner, stay for the half-naked dancers.

3 LBS (Series Premiere) – Brain Surgeons? I’m looking forward to another medical drama about as much as I would look forward to a catheter, but Stanley Tucci is a great actor, so I’m going to try to give him the benefit of the doubt in what looks like a cross between Chicago Hope and House with a generous helping of Nip/Tuck.

Nip/Tuck – Speaking of the venerable plastic surgery sausagefest, It’s the year 2026 and a twenty-year old Conner McNamera deals with life. Seriously. They are doing a flash forward. If it were any other show I would be worried that they have finally gone off the tracks (trying to avoid a shark reference). Wait . . . I AM WORRIED.

Tonight’s Pick N’ Flick

Bull Durham
Comedy Central
Remember when people actually got excited about a new Kevin Costner movie? Remember when the concept of Kevin Costner playing a baseball player was only getting a little stale? Remember when Susan Sarandon was still a little bit sexy and Tim Robbins was just that dumb guy and not that dumb guy who keeps butting his head into politics? Well, welcome to Bull Durham, for my money the best baseball movie ever made. Sadly, Comedy Central edits out all the best cuss words (and there are some doozies) but it’s still more fun than most actual nights at the ballpark. Lots of great lines and great speeches, but this is the one I love best.

Skip: You guys. You lollygag the ball around the infield. You lollygag your way down to first. You lollygag in and out of the dugout. You know what that makes you? Larry!

Larry: Lollygaggers!

How I Met Your Mother –Sweeps are upon us so we get the inevitable marriage tease. Marshall and Lily go to Atlantic City for a quickie wedding. How much you want to bet there will be some wacky complications?

Class – I would love to tell you what is going on this week but I am pretty confused myself. Something about one person pretending to be another person and a birthday party for Oprah . . . not THE Oprah. Man, this show is a mess.

Prison Break — T-Bag gets his revenge on his tormentors. I’m hoping it involves show tunes.

Heroes – You know that eclipse the junkie keeps painting? This is the week. Oh, and Hiro goes to another diner. What’s with that guy and diners?

Two and a Half Men – Alan turns a jog on the beach into a disaster. It’s just one more step in his ongoing quest to become the biggest loser in the history of television.

Studio 60 – More fear and loathing in Parhump as Tom stands trial for speeding and drug possession. Will he tell the dark secret behind his actions? Will John Goodman dress up as Linda Tripp? Will a sketch on the show actually be funny? Tune in and find out.

What About Brian – After over a month of Angelo being “on the phone”, the producers finally killed him off. Ashes to ashes, funk to funky, Brian also deals with the closure of Zap Monkey.

Weekend Viewing Highlights

Friday

1 vs. 100: In a very special episode of 1 vs. 100, Bob Saget is injured when he tries to break up a fight between a trekkie and an Emo. Ken Jennings must perform emergency surgery to save his life. Wait, I think I’m getting it confused with last night’s Grey’s Anatomy. Sorry, it’s just questions and answers at a slow-assed pace — same as always.

Ghost Whisperer: An angry ghost sets a restaurant on fire. Please tell me it’s an Applebee’s! Special guest appearance by Jay Mohr as a guy who used to have a pretty good career.

Vanished: Senator Collins holds a press conference . . . gripping.

Battlestar Galactica: Jamie Bamber finally loses the frakking fat suit. Thank Gods.

Men in Trees: Marin discovers that real men hate to be written about. Special appearance by Jewel. Warning: Jewel will almost certainly sing.

Numb3rs: Charlie stumbles on a statistical way to determine which baseball players use steroids. Special guest appearance by . . . hmmmm, not one actual major league baseball player in the whole episode? I guess they’re still a little sensitive about the steroids thing. Bill Nye is on this week though.

Pick of the Week

MXC: It’s an all new season of MXC. Tune in to see even more Japanese people take blows to the head and groin, dive into raw sewage and get pummeled by giant papier-mâché boulders. Don’t pretend you won’t be watching.

Saturday

There’s really nothing to watch. I suggest you get drunk and try to synch up random albums with Wizard of Oz. I suggest Ozzie’s Diary of a Madman.

Sunday

60 Minutes: I’m guessing they’ll be paying tribute to Ed Bradley. He earned it.

AFV: Like MXC except with a pet segment and less skillful dubbing.

7th Heaven: Eric and Annie head to Scotland to bring Ruthie home. With their budget I’m betting Scotland looks a lot like Southern California. Warning: Jewel sometimes shows up and sings on this show too.

American Dad: It’s all about online role playing games. Don’t accuse them of copying South Park. Knowing AD’s lead time, this episode was probably written a year ago. Nerd Alert: Special guest stars Curtis Armstrong and Eddie Kay Thomas.

Family Guy: Brian dates a beautiful woman with zero intelligence. In a real piece of casting against type, Drew Barrymore plays the dumb girl. Nice work Drew.

Desperate Housewives: Just in case you thought the Housewives were old and ugly, Dixie Carter makes a special appearance to remind you of how much worse it could get.

My Name is Earl: All hell breaks loose when Joy discovers that Darnell is in the witless, errr, make that witness protection program. Earl makes up for the time he shot a man just to watch him die . . . either that or he put garbage in a mailbox — hard to say from the previews.

Smallville: Dressed as the Green Arrow, Clark makes out with Lois. Boy, that Clark is sure one kinky bastard. I wonder if he slipped her some supertongue?

The Office: They are closing the Scranton Branch. Yeah, I don’t buy it for a second either.

Survivor: There’s a mutiny! Tune in on the off chance that Jeff Probst gets shived.

’til Death: Jeff’s mother comes to visit. Hmmmm, I wonder if she’ll be domineering.

Ugly Betty: Betty will be miserable but plucky. It doesn’t really matter though because Salma Hayek is the guest star. Mmmmmmmm, Salma Hayek. Ugly Betty, meet smokin’ hot Salma.

CSI: Gil gets another miniature crime scene in a box. He thinks there’s a serial killer. I think there’s gotta be something else on.

Deal or No Deal: Somebody could win a million dollars. Nobody will, but somebody could.

Fashion House: Hey, if there’s even a small chance of Morgan Fairchild bitch-slapping Bo Derek, count me in.

Grey’s Anatomy: The hunky doctors all go camping. (Note: Insert Brokeback Mountain reference here.)

Shark: For those of you who wonder if Sebastian Stark has ever lost a case, the answer is yes. This week he gets to try to turn that around. I wonder if he’ll break the rules to do it? Nah.

ER: Forest Whitaker is still guest starring. I’ll let you know when it is safe to watch again. Damn you to hell Whitaker!

The good folks at TV Squad put down the gauntlet and challenged us to fix NBC’s scheduling problems. I was more than happy to comply. Sadly, we have to work with NBC’s existing slate of shows, but I decided to take it a step further and suggest some future changes as well.

Sunday
8:00 pm: NFL

Not much choice here.

Monday
8:00 pm: Deal or No Deal
9:00 pm: Las Vegas
10:00 pm: Kidnapped / Dateline

To be honest, this is where I put the shows I am least likely to watch. I just don’t believe Monday is a good night to present a strong schedule. Between MNF and CSI: Miami, there isn’t much room to grow so don’t bother scheduling an ambitious night. There is also some synergy between DOND and Las Vegas because of the gambling element.

Long Term: For Monday nights at 10:00 I would be looking to schedule a light mystery in the vein of Monk or Psych on USA. All the mysteries on the networks right now are so serious. Where is the next Remington Steele?

Tuesday
8:00 pm: My Name is Earl
8:30 pm: The Office
9:00 pm: 30 Rock
9:30 pm: Scrubs
10:00 pm: Studio 60

Tuesday and Thursday have been the traditional comedy nights for NBC. I don’t see Thursday working for NBC any more so I would go for Tuesdays. This is a night when comedy can thrive and I think that the people who like Earl and Scrubs are more likely to enjoy Studio 60 then the Heroes/game show crowd.

Long Term: I would be looking to develop at least one more single-camera comedy for Tuesday night because it is unlikely that both Scrubs and 30 Rock will get a renewal unless things turn around. If Studio 60 can’t be saved I would look to schedule another hour-long workplace comedy-drama. The concept can work and I would look to the ousted Gilmore Girl team to write it.

Wednesday
8:00 pm: Deal or No Deal
9:00 pm: Biggest Loser / Last Comic / Other Reality
10:00 pm: Dateline NBC

This is an attempt to counter-program the dramas that are thriving on that night. These are all cheap to produce so even if the ratings aren’t huge, they will keep the night profitable.

Long Term: This would be a good night to introduce some more comedies if you can find better ones.

Thursday
8:00 pm: Friday Night Lights
9:00 pm: Heroes
10:00 pm: ER

In my opinion these three dramas are very compatible. FNL and Heroes should share a significant audience segment and Heroes is a solid lead-in for ER (As well as the only show on their schedule capable of competing with CSI/GA). These are three shows NBC is proud of and they should be on the most watched weeknight of television.

Long Term: FNL is the most likely to go. If that happens, I would look for something compatible with Heroes. It should be action-oriented but a little less intricate and serious. It should definitely have a multi-cultural cast. How about UN?

Friday
8:00 pm: Law & Order
9:00 pm: Law & Order: Criminal Intent
10:00 pm: Law & Order: SVU

This is a no-brainer. The Friday night crowd is mainly older adults and they enjoy L&O.x more than most. This could turn into a winning night for NBC and if it doesn’t, they will probably know which of the three to cut. They can always put another game show in the 8pm hour or a Dateline in the 10pm hour to fill any holes.

Long Term: L&O never dies. This could keep going for thirty years.

Maybe it’s time to just relax and let Studio 60 be what it is. It is a good show. The problem is that I was hoping for a great show and in that category it falls short. The first time Aaron Sorkin made a show about TV, Sports Night, I absolutely loved it and I really did feel like America just wasn’t smart enough to get the jokes. This time, I can understand the problem. The show has some very funny moments, but not enough to qualify it as a comedy. If anything, it is trying a little too hard to be funny. The bat through the window this week was a nice moment (that would have been far better if they hadn’t used it in the promos), but the overall bat/boot sub-plot was neither funny nor realistic. I want to think of these people as smart, not stupid, and only a couple of idiots could have been stupid enough to do the things they did. As for the drama, it also seems a little forced. A network president’s old drunk driving arrest would not captivate the country for two straight weeks. Heck, that didn’t even happen with Bush’s old drunk driving arrest. A network president is not a celebrity and no one is going to buy a book about her sex life. As for the plagiarism plot, it seemed a little forced as well. That said, the plot wasn’t ridiculous, it just wasn’t as sharp as it should have been. The show is entertaining, but it isn’t revolutionary or brilliant and I’ll just have to live with that.

Week two of Lost was a little better than week one. At least we had interaction among some of the Losties, something that was painfully absent last week. Unfortunately, I still haven’t found a reason to care about the Others. The Kate and Sawyer kiss was fun and the best moment in the sow. I was once again amazed at the stupidity of supposedly smart characters though. Sayid’s plan wasn’t really a plan so much as the quickest possible way for him to lose the boat. It just seemed like a plot device, and a bad one at that. As for Sun and Jin, their back story at least had some interesting moments, but not enough to get me off of my dislike of the flashbacks. Overall, I am starting to lose interest and I am only hanging on long enough to see what the rest of the Losties have been up to. If it still sucks then, I may give up.

As long as I’m handing out complaints, how long has it been since an NCIS case wasn’t about somebody trying to get even with, capture or otherwise endanger one of the agents (or in last week’s case a former agent)? It isn’t even sweeps yet. I remember a time when the people at NCIS investigated crimes that weren’t actually about them. I know they want to break free of any lingering CSI stigma, but I find it hard to believe that this many people have a grudge against Naval investigators. Also, my wife desperately wants Mark Harmon to lose the mustache.

Now I feel like it is time to hand out a few compliments, especially to The Office and How I Met Your Mother. Here are two shows, comedies no less, that actually followed through on the developments from their season cliffhangers. The Office broke apart the Jim/Pam storyline by having Jim follow through with his transfer and for four weeks now there has been no sign of his return. We all know it will come sooner or later, but each week he stays in Stamford make the plot line more realistic. My guess about how they are going to bring them all back together is simple. The Stamford branch is going to close and Jim is going to be merged back into Scranton along with new romantic interest Karen. This is not only a good solution to the current separation, but would follow along the lines of the original UK version of the show. As for HIMYM, they have continued with the pairing of Ted and Robin as well as the break-up of Marshall and Lilly. While I somewhat miss the old chemistry on both shows, I give them high praise for exploring change rather than quickly discarding it the way shows such as NCIS and Two and a Half Men did.

I haven’t caught as many of the new shows as I normally do at the beginning of a season, but those I have caught have not exactly been art so here is a quick run down.

‘Til Death – Mildly Amusing

The Class – Started bad but slowly improving

20 Good Years — I’d settle for 22 good minutes. What a waste.

30 Rock – Way blander than i would have thought

Ugly Betty – Betty good, soap opera bad

Shark – James Woods has to carry the whole show on his shoulders and he is almost succeeding.

Heroes – They managed to make a show about superpowers kind of sad and dull. Now that is an amazing accomplishment, just not a good one. Love the cliffhangers though.

The Lost premiere was a definite disappointment. The first five minutes were just as cool as the first five minutes of last year’s premiere, although a little derivative. It was cool to see the plane crash from the Other’s perspective. The real problems came shortly after that.

To begin with, we had yet another flashback into Jack’s well-trod list of Daddy issues. It told us little that we hadn’t figured out long ago and the flashbacks basically ground the episode to a halt. The flashbacks stopped working as a plot device after the first season and they get worse with each progressive episode. I have enough backstory about the characters. What I care about is what happens on the island and this episode provided only a dribble of information about that.

The separation of Kate, Sawyer and Jack was another drag on the show. There was only one scene in which any of the characters we care about got to interact (a pretty good scene in which we see Sawyer and Kate share a moment). The rest of it had the three of them dealing separately with the obvious and uninteresting mind games of The Others. Frankly, The Others grow less interesting with each passing episode and the flashback structure gives us little time to get to know them so all we are left with is their actions, which are being purposely obscured so that we can’t understand their motives.

If I don’t understand their motives then I really don’t care about them. I can’t see a reason to root for them or against them. Moreover, I don’t feel like watching them intently, trying to glean little clues about why they do what they do, when I know the real reason is probably going to be something completely different (so that the writers and producers can surprise us). What a waste. Everything about this show seems designed to prevent the viewers from knowing what is going on and I for one don’t intend to waste all of my time trying to figure it out. Yes, I understand that the island is mysterious and it should be. However, there is a difference between slowly revealing the secrets of the island and purposely obscuring the motives and actions of the characters.

A quick look at the overnight ratings confirms that there are people besides me, and the rest of the Internet crowd, who were annoyed by the whole thing. The show shed about 4 million viewers from the start to the finish. That’s a lot of people who got frustrated and turned the show off. You can ask the people over at Studio 60 how easy it will be to get them back.

Sept. 29th, 2006
1st Midway Bank Ampitheater
Chicago, Illinois

To quote my friend and future Just Us Nerds contributor Andy, who experienced it with me… we didn’t see a concert. We witnessed an event.

As we were warned by our very tickets themselves, there was no opening act. The show starts at 8 PM sharp. Be there, or be square. While we waited, we were treated to a fascinating, The Wall-inspired multi-media presentation of film on a huge screen… an unseen someone listening to an old-timey radio, smoking, and drinking whiskey. With each puff of the massive celuloid cigarette, dry ice smoke wafted over the crowd. Each time the unseen listener grew bored of the radio station & changed it, a new song played. Everything from Elvis, to Billie Holliday, to Abba’s “Dancing Queen” (which made the giant hand spin the dial rather quickly). It was an excellent way to distract the audience from the comings & goings of the roadies, and a fascinating way to start a show.

Roger took the stage to “In The Flesh?” from The Wall, and, as the song facilitates, he immediately took total control of the venue. He is merely a man… he doesn’t carry the trappings of a rockstar, doesn’t leap about, or parade himself in front of the crowd, or do any of the established front-man “tricks.” He’s just an artist. In a rather subdued suit. Playing his heart out, and playing songs that he has lovingly, menacingly, and expertly crafted over his long career. His voice, which may have lost a bit of it’s range, hasn’t lost an iota of it’s power. He sails across the stage, moving with an easy grace, commanding his bass like a weapon of war, engaged in a battle against the idea of war itself. I do not wish to re-engage the debate here in this post… but, upon seeing the man in concert, it is ridiculous that anyone else is allowed legally to perform these songs under the name “Pink Floyd.”

He moved from “In The Flesh?” to an accoustic version of “Mother.” Then he embarked on a tour of his career, treating us to such gems as “South Hampton Docks,” “Have A Cigar,” the amazing “Perfect Sense Parts 1 & 2″ (the chorus of which got the entire crowd of nearly 30,000 to chant seamlessly along), “The Fletcher Memorial Home,” and “Sheep.”

He stopped off to pay tribute to his fallen best friend Syd Barret, without actually mentioning his name. Maybe it’s still to fresh for him too discuss. Maybe he just knows that we all know and understand. Either way, he graced us with “Shine On You Crazy Diamond parts 1 through 3,” “Set The Controls For The Heart Of The Sun,” and a rendition of “Wish You Were Here” that literally reduced me to rubble. The giant screen behind the band showed telling & piercing images of Roger & his friend from many years past, and the images will haunt me for a long time to come.

After an hour and a half, including an amazing new song called “Leaving Beirut,” an apparently true story of just how loving our “enemies” can be, accompanied by a simply gorgeous living manga comic on the big screen behind him, Roger and his band announced that would be taking a short break. And that upon their return, after having already delivered what would be a complete show by today’s concert standards, they would play the tour’s centerpiece: the entire Dark Side Of The Moon album.

There isn’t much I can say here that would do the performance of DSOTM Live justice. To call it ‘amazing”, or “awe-inspiring” tasks the definitions of those words. What I will note is that in front of us was a young woman, blonde, 20 at the oldest. She knew every word of every song, and sang along to them all, as we all did, with an incredible abandon. She especially responded to “The Great Gig In The Sky,” performed with almost unimaginable heart, depth, and soul by Katie Kissoon. It was wondrous to see someone whom I would have pegged as a Christina Aguilera fan to be so intensely in tune with Roger, and his works. As Roger said before he left the stage, it made an old man very happy.

Roger returned after DSOTM and an encore, launched into a chunk from The wall that I will remember for the rest of my life. They started with “The Happiest Days Of Our Lives,” careened into “Another Brick In The Wall Part 2,” and slid seductively into a rather unexpected “Vera.” As the crowd and I sang out the chorus, (“Vera… Vera… what has become of you?”) it suddenly occured to me that he was playing the chunk as recorded, and was about to do “Bring The Boys Back Home,” under the shadow of the current war in Iraq. The song carried a weight & power beyond measure, and updated the post-WWII trappings of the original source material to where we stand today, with heartbreaking effect. While still reeling from that, the loudspeakers continued on with the original supplimental sound effects, and we crashed headlong into the most spectacular version of “Comfortably Numb” that I have ever experienced. Maybe it was just the power of seeing it performed by it’s actual author, maybe it was the closeness of Syd’s death, maybe it was the recent passing of some of the key members of my own life’s cast… but I’d never realized just how sad a song “Comfortably numb” really is. Not to sound melodramatic, or maudlin, but as I sang along with Roger & comapny, it finally, after 20 years, hit me, and tears streamed down my face. And as I looked around, I noticed that I wasn’t alone.

I will end this post now, even though I could type all night about the show. I barely even touched upon how political trhe show was, or how right I feel Roger is, or how nice it was to be immersed in such a massive group of people who felt just as I did… or the giant floating pig that begged us all to vote, and had “Impeach Bush NOW” spray painted over it’s ass. These must be experienced personally.

I will merely end by reasserting the statement my friend Andy made in the meager hotel bar we retired to after the show:

We didn’t just see a concert. We witnessed an event.

The second episode held together much better than the first. The characters were more coherent and the goal (Let’s put on a show!) was more evident. Also, Evan Handler joined the cast (he may have been around last week but I don’t remember him) and he is always a big plus although I hope they make better use “Matt and Danny’s Butt Boy”. The chemistry between Matt, Danny and Jordan is great. Together they make for a good team. On the downside, however, was the whole Christianity plot. I am all for exploring the censorship problem on TV today, but the whole controversy seems a bit contrived. Also, in what world would Harriet be considered a good Christian? She prays. I get that. But does she ever NOT do something because of her religion? From what I can tell she drinks, has sex and happily appears in sketches that mock her faith. I’m not saying any of those things are wrong, I’m just wondering if there is any more to her faith than praying for a good show, trying to make money in the Christian music racket and getting pissed off when anyone else mocks her faith. Overall, I can’t wait for the show to drift away from the Christianity plot. I can feels this show’s potential which is why I am disappointed that it is falling short. Overall Grade: B.

The Outdoor Life Network, the network that up until last year seemed to focus solely on the killing of animals, has changed its name to Versus. Network president Gavin Harvey said “Versus captures the essence of our brand, we felt it was a slam dunk, and sports fans we talked to all agreed.” Yes, he actually said that. He called it a slam dunk. This would be a great metaphor, if there was any basketball on Versus. As it is, we’re gonna have to make due with arena football, hockey (Remember hockey? They’re playing again) and um . . . lacrosse? Good luck Versus. I think you’d have been better off calling yourself The Ocho.

I’ve seen the previews for this fall’s movies, and excited is not the word for it. Appalled might be better. Well, I figured with a little help we could save the season so I’ve taken the liberty of suggesting some new taglines for these cinematic masterpieces.

Grudge 2
This time it’s personal. Oh wait, it’s a grudge. I guess it’s by definition personal. Well. It’s personal again!

Bring it On: All or Nothing
Hot young girls! Oh, and we did a movie too!

Jackass 2
It’s Jackassier!

Hollywoodland
Trust us, Ben Affleck doesn’t suck in this! Seriously!

Stranger than Fiction
Way better than Strangers with Candy, or that movie with John Candy!

Flicka
Take a friend!

Dreamgirls
As far as we can tell, Queen Latifa isn’t in this one!

Apocolypto
We’re contractually obligated!

Casino Royale
No matter what you do, we aren’t bringing back Brosnan so would you please just give it a try?

The Black Dahlia
Come for Scarlett Johansson, stay for the freaky-assed camera angles!

For Your Consideration
The funniest movie you’re not going to bother to go see this fall!

49 Up
As good as 7 Up, 14 Up, 21 Up, 28 Up, 35 Up and 42 Up . . . combined!

In case you haven’t noticed (and judging by our gmail inbox, you haven’t) The Bullets is on a brief hiatus. It’s not something that was planned… but you see, we’ve been recruited by a super secret paramilitary arm of Mossad to help them foil an evil plot by Mel Gibson to stop Rosh Hoshana. The call went out, and we answered. We can’t go into details here, but someday you’ll see it all in the made for USA movie The Year There Almost Wasn’t A Rosh Hoshana, starring Rob Schnieder, Jackie Mason, and Charro. For now, we must go. It all goes down at sunset… wish us luck.

We’ll return in a couple weeks with more lame jokes about what assholes celebrities are. Untill then: COURAGE.

Shalom!

Love, your friendly neighborhood Bullets

The new season is underway and here are some thoughts, handily boiled down into easily manageable snark bites.

Family Guy: When Stewie and Brian get together it is usually funny as hell. Not this time. The only thing less funny than hack radio DJs is comedy ABOUT hack radio DJs. I liked the hot dogs though. Not a good start to the season but at least they aren’t shackled to any stupid new plot developments.

Two and a Half Men: Let’s See. Alan Gets Married. Alan wins half a million dollars. Alan gets a divorce. Alan tailspins into a self-indulgent depression. That could have been an entire season’s arc, but instead it was just one show. That’s bad enough, but guess which plot element took most of the episode? That’s right, Alan in a whiney depression. Been there, done that. So many comedic possibilities squandered just so that we can put the characters exactly where they were when the series started. Nice job Chuck Lorre. Even Dharma was allowed to change over time pal.

Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip: Wow. That was a bold move spending the first fifteen minutes of your show on a character who won’t be on the show. Bold enough to chase away about three million viewers by the half hour break. That’s a shame too, because that was when you finally allowed the best thing about your show, Matthew Perry and Bradley Whitford, to make an appearance. They were awesome. Never let them stay off the screen that long again.

House: Here is another show that was in a big, big hurry to jump over huge plot developments. They got House walking again, he even ran for eight miles! I can’t run for eight damn miles. I can’t run for one mile. Yeah, he went from that to back on the cane by the end of episode two. Nice work guys. Why not explore his being healthy for say, two or even three episodes before sticking him back in hell.

Bones: Damn I hate the new chick. Did we really need more tension on the show? They dig up bodies for Christ sakes. Do they have to fight at work in order to make the show interesting? The show used to be, dare I say it, fun. Now it is just tedious.

The Office: Jim took the transfer. Didn’t see that coming! It was cool that the first show really didn’t focus on Jim and Pam but rather Oscar. Oscar got outed, and of course it was Michael who did it. Love that Jim sent them a Gaydar. Love the look on Pam’s face at the end. The laugh followed by the regret. Nice acting!

Shark: Spike Lee directed it. He should have written it. You can only do so much with a great director and actor. What you can’t do is fix a terrible script. God, I could have written this on the back of a piece of cardboard. Woods rules though. If anyone can keep this ship afloat it is him.

Survivor: Yeah, segregated races. Big deal. They kicked off two fat guys in a row. Fat discrimination is the true American heritage.

Barbara Walters is claiming her dog “Cha-Cha” talks to her. Unlike the rest of the rational world, I’m willing to believe her. After all, I did interview J. Fred Muggs once (and he had a little something to say about Babs as well). Unfortunately, Babs went on to claim the dog said “I love you.” That I can’t buy. Talking animals are one thing, but any creature loving Barbara Walters . . . that’s just crazy. So, here are some things I think the dog might have, or at least should have, said to Babs.

• If you were a tree, what kind of tree would I have just peed on?
• Evil, evil is your one and only name.
• I smell death creeping slowly over you.
• Your fingers are cold, just like your heart.
• They’re all out to get you Barbara; they’re all out to get you.
• Hello Cthulhu!
• Cha-Cha? You named me Cha-Cha? What the hell is wrong with you?
• Yes, I know you banged Geraldo, would you just shut up about it?
• Don’t take me outside! All the other dogs laugh at me!
• Just wrap your hands around my neck and squeeze. I’m begging you.
• I forget, did I mess the floor or was it you?
• Next time you fart, could you not look in my direction?
• Your kisses are wasted on me.
• You know, I’ve grown tired of the peanut butter. I’m just saying.
• Can you believe they named their band Supernova? What Dumbasses.

Pop quiz hotshots! Let’s say you’re a bunch of rock fogies who want one more shot at fame, money, underage girls, and oh yeah . . . making music. Now, let’s further stipulate that there’s a summer reality show that is willing to give your “new band” exposure. If this were the case, wouldn’t you want to give your band a good name? And as part of that process, wouldn’t you check and make sure the name of your band isn’t already taken? Not if you’re the CBS frankenband formerly known as Supernova, who lost the first in what will probably be a series of court battles against the Orange County-based punk band that first started calling themselves Supernova a mere 17 years ago. Here’s a hint for you fogies. All the one word band names are taken. It’s kind of like domain names on the Internet. Do you think justusnerds.com was our first choice? No, but sadly, horny.com was taken. After a thorough search we settled on a three word name that wasn’t already taken. Good luck, artists formerly known as Supernova, because you are really going to need it.

ARIES (Mar. 21—Apr. 20)
So, has it come to this? Have you stopped looking inward and started looking outward to find your pleasures. Have you grown that distant? Congratulations! That personal fulfillment crap wasn’t doing you any good anyway. Life is a party and you are three drinks behind partner. Your lucky veteran character actor is Frank Sivero

TAURUS (Apr. 21–May 21)
Say, you’re looking pretty good this week. Your breath smells better, your hair is shinier and your teeth haven’t sparkled like that in months. Did you get some work done? No, of course you didn’t. What you did do was embrace the inner you that makes you so you and you should feel proud of that you brave, brave you. Your lucky veteran character actor is Bruce McGill.

GEMINI (May 22–June 21)
Did you play the game again this week? Did you play it well? Did you get what you wanted? Keep telling yourself that it will all work out in the end. Go ahead. I want to hear you say it right now. Be proud of who you are, whether you are worth being proud of or not. Your lucky veteran character actor is Stephen Tobolowsky.

CANCER (June 22–July 22)
How long has it been since you watched Sesame Street? That show has changed over the years. They’ve even weaned Cookie Monster off of cookies. That seems a bit odd doesn’t it? Kind of like what has been going on in your life lately. You didn’t think I’d noticed did you? Oh, I noticed. You’d better shape up. Your lucky veteran character actor is Kurtwood Smith.

LEO (July 23—Aug. 22)
There isn’t enough lotion in the world to make that icky feeling go away so stop trying. You need to learn to live inside your skin because you are stuck there. Accept your flaws. Embrace your strengths and get your ass back on track. Your lucky veteran character actor is Kevin Dunn.

VIRGO (Aug. 23–Sept. 23)
Have you ever wondered what Superman would be like if he had Batman’s personal history? What would have happened if Jonathan and Martha Kent had been wealthy urbanites gunned down in front of Clark’s eyes? What would have happened if a young Clark had fallen into the Bat Cave? What would have happened if Clark had a personal fortune that was measured in the billions? I’ll tell you what would have happened; Superman would have been the coolest superhero ever. Think about that the next time you whine about your personal life. Your lucky veteran character actor is Terence Stamp.

LIBRA (Sept. 24–Oct. 23)
So the other day I was walking into the grocery store and I was accosted by a young woman who wanted me to carry her bags out to the car. I am a gentleman, so I did it, but I still feel the request was a bit out of line. Random acts of helpful generosity take their toll. Your lucky veteran character actor is Brian Smiar.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24–Nov. 22)
The amount of rage a person feels is roughly parallel to the amount of love they have to give, if that person is a raging psychopath. Quit telling yourself that love and anger are intertwined. Learn to let love be happy. Making yourself miserable is a sign that you are a moron. Your lucky veteran character actor is Donald Moffat.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 23–Dec. 21)
I keep telling the people at the laundromat that light starch is as much starch as I will ever want or need, but once again my shirt feels like a plate of armor. Who do you have to wash around here to get a decent shirt? Oh the rinse cycle has been cruel to me over the years. Speaking of cruel, I don’t think you should be using your friends like doormats. I just thought you should know. Your lucky veteran character actor is Charles Lane.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22–Jan. 20)
Have you ever had the feeling you were being watched? Are you more of a stalker or a stalkee? Try to get stalked more often and to cut down on the amount of stalking that you yourself do. You’ll be proud of yourself for the change and everyone who is stalking you will be impressed as well. Your lucky veteran character actor is Earl Cameron.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 21–Feb. 19)
Clean your room. Do all your chores. Eat everything on your plate and stop listening to that noise you call music. I’m serious. I will put you in time out if you don’t start shaping up, and if you know anything about time out, you know that you are in no way ready for that kind of torture. Do you get the point? Your lucky veteran character actor is Phillip Baker Hall.

PISCES (Feb. 20–Mar. 20)
Whatever you think you know, just remember that a rotten tomato is far better than a fresh one, at least when it comes to throwing. You’ve been walking along the edge of darkness for some time now, and I am proud of you. It is only when you fall into the abyss that you can truly appreciate what you mean to yourself. Nice work. Your lucky veteran character actor is Frankie Faison.

We here at Just Us Nerds are saddened to mourn the passing of Steve Irwin, the Crocodile Hunter. Was Steve Irwin recklessly foolish? Yes. Was Steve Irwin out of his gourd? Probably. Did anybody pick stingray in the Steve Irwin dead pool? Sadly, no. Did we love the little crazy dude? Yes. Yes we did.

Steve Irwin was great precisely because we all knew he was one bad move away from the great habitat in the sky. He wrestled alligators; he grabbed snakes by the tail; he let scorpions crawl on him. He had a great time and we had a great time watching him but we all know that playing with deadly animals gets you killed. Sorry mate.

Let us leave you with our favorite quote from the man, the legend, Steve Irwin.

Crikey, mate. You’re far safer dealing with crocodiles and western diamondback rattlesnakes than the executives and the producers and all those sharks in the big MGM building.

I know what you’re wondering. Why hasn’t there been a J.C.’s Media Roundup since June? The answer is that I went on a media diet. I made a solemn vow this summer not to be so media obsessed. I cut my TV watching down from fifty hours a week to a scant twenty. I avoided any summer blockbusters without at least one superhero and stuck to small earnest efforts that were in no way associated with artistic merit – thanks Beerfest! I even allowed my wife to read a couple of issues of Entertainment Weekly before me. It was hard, but I feel I am a better person for it. I am definitely suffering from a buildup of snark, however, and it is time to let some of it loose before I fall Tits over Ass.

• She canna’ handle much more CGI Captain! Since the folks over at the Star Trek studios ran out of fresh ideas about ten years ago and stale ideas about two years ago, they have decided to go back and pretty-up the original series. All those cheesy sets and bad makeup jobs that we nerds held so dear to our hearts will be replaced by glossy, fake-assed looking CGI. Congratulations Michael Okuda! I’m glad to see you found another way to suck off the Star Trek teat without adding anything of value.
• EW released a list of the top 25 sidekicks of all time. Ed McMahon was number one, and that is as it should be, but Ron Weasley AND Hermione Granger at number eleven? That’s got to be some kind of rules violation. One sidekick per customer, that’s what I always say.
• Apparently Honda has produced a car with a mullet. Nice job Honda! Let me know when you get it to spit tobacco and nail its sister.
• You, Me and Dupree needed more gunplay and at least one shot of Kate Hudson naked and playing the drums. There, I said it.
• So, who had a worse summer? Tom Cruise, Floyd Landis or the housing market? All I know is that I’m rooting for the collapse of all three.
• So this week finally brought the ouster of Angela from Project Runway. Since week two I have waited for this whiny, unqualified, rosette-loving fashion psycho to hit the road and I finally got my wish. It’s the first time I’ve ever cheered at somebody getting kicked off the show. My pick to go all the way? How can I not root for a guy named Michael Knight? Even when he isn’t winning challenges, he is closer to the top than the bottom. My dark horse is Kanye, the goofy white-trash designer whose catty comments are actually funny. Next to go? I’m looking at you Vincent. Oh, and I wouldn’t get too comfortable Uli, every one of your outfits looks the same and the judges will eventually call you on it.
• Kyle XY finished up its first summer season and I have to say it was more interesting than anything the networks had to offer. It is kind of an X-Files lite (complete with Krycek) about a teenage boy with no memories – just a computer-like brain, the body of a superhero and some sort of super-secret agency that wants to kill him. Oh, and did I mention it’s a family drama? Pass the Sour Patch Kids and enjoy the show. I’m sure ABC Family will be rerunning it endlessly.
• I don’t know how long it will hold, but at this point the movie Crossover is running a 0% fresh rating on Rotten Tomatoes. How can you make a movie that nobody likes? How does it feel to get up the next morning?
• If there are any new network dramas this fall that are not about cops, lawyers, doctors, or some extended “mystery” that will never get solved because the show is going to be canceled after ten episodes, would you please raise your hand?
• No, not you Studio 60. You are a TV show about a TV show. I can’t give points for that.
• Ugly Betty, no, you are not a drama. If you are, then drama is in big trouble.
• Anybody? Men in Trees? That’s the name of a show? Again, can’t be a drama.
• That leaves Friday Night Lights. It’s a show about a small-town high school football team in Texas. Congratulations! You are our winner. And it only took a book and a movie for you to make it to TV. Nice work.

“If Clark wanted to, he could use his super-speed and squish me into the cement. But I know how he thinks. Even more than the Kryptonite, he’s got one big weakness. Deep down, Clark’s essentially a good person.
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…and deep down, I’m not”

• A bronze representation of what little Suri Cruise’s shit might look like will be on display at Capla Kesting Fine Art, in Brooklyn’s Williamsburg gallery district. The piece is called “Bronzed Baby Poop” and will be auctioned on eBay, with proceeds going to the March Of Dimes. Not to be outdone, Tom Cruise will bronze little Suri herself, and sell her on eBay with all proceeds going to the March Of Insane Hollywood Fuck-faces In Werido Made-up Religions.
• Speaking of Tom Cruise, Brooke Sheilds says that he appologized to her for his psycho rant about her taking anti-depressants. No word yet on when we get an appology for Days Of Thunder.
• In music news, this year’s Farm Aid benefit concert will feature polka superstar Jimmy Sturr and his orchestra. The band was booked as a part of the Farm Aid organization’s concerted efforts to find artists even less relevant than John Melencamp and Dave Matthews.
• Erstwhile West Wing president Martin Sheen has enrolled at National University Galway, in Ireland. The actor is pursuing a bachelor of arts degree, and will study English literature and oceanography. Classes started yesterday, and by last night Charlie Sheen had already thrown an empty keg of Guiness through the elder Sheen’s dorm room window and jumped out wearing a toga & a bra on his head.
• According to her publicist, Ashley Simpson started rehersals this week to play Roxie Hart in the upcoming London production of Chicago. The Bullets reached our pal, Chicago veteran Bebe Neuwirth, for comment, and we made her blow her Diet Pepsi out of her nose.
• And Ashley’s dimwitted big sister Jessica Simpson has been ordered not to sing by her doctor, due to a bruised vocal cord. The Bullets is trying to find out her doctor’s name, so that we can petition congress to make September 2nd a national holiday in his honor.
• After actor & Angelina Jolie’s dad Jon Voight wished his grandson Maddox a happy birthday from the 4th annual BAFTA tea party, he said hello to his granddaughter Zahara, but called her “Shakira.” He then went on to send well wishes to Angelina’s boyfriend “B. Pitty” and the couple’s new baby, “Shaka Zulu.”
• INSERT YOUR OWN KYRA PHILLIPS BATHROOM JOKE HERE.
• And finally, in Nerd birthday news, one of the original goth chicks, Yvonne De Carlo, turned 84 yesterday. Happy Birthday, Lilly! Oh, and Edgar Rice Burroughs would have turned 131, but he’s dead. Hey, that’s pretty goth, too.

Those are The Bullets for this week, kids. Time for us to exit, Terminator X-it!

J.C. was kind (merciless?) enough to offer me space as an advice columnist, and I hear writing’s cheaper than therapy. The jury is still out on which causes more longer term detriment to your psyche.

So, having not been blessed with the joy of receiving email other than offers of penis enlargement and small African children, I descended upon the city streets like a vengeful god in search of followers and a halfway decent burrito. BEHOLD, I have given advice!

**

Dear Small Girl With the Eyeliner and Baseball Bat,

I have difficulty finding my way around town without wandering into dangerous areas by accident. How can I protect my valuables and my sweet, sweet ass?

Please don’t hit me.

Signed,
Citizen Who Was Probably Dropped As a Child

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Dear Citizen,

What an interesting dillema! I hear talk of such ingenious devices as GPS trackers and nannies with toddler leashes, but these really don’t seem like proper solutions for a discerning individual such as yourself. I suggest taking yourself to the nearest tattoo parlor and investing in a permanent copy of your city’s map – just above the elbow works nicely, as you can see it clearly and it can still be covered with a snazzy business shirt. I’m sure you have many snazzy business shirts.

And if strangely garbed young humans with makeshift weaponry approach you in a menacing manner, whip off your top and show those hooligans you already know how to stick it to the Man, dudes, so they best be steppin’ off.

The tattoo will make it easier to identify your corpse.

All My Love,
Jane.

**

Dear Jane,

I’m taking my new girlfriend out on a date tonight, and she said she wanted to do something “creative” and “interesting.” Pottery classes are right out, since last time she lost one of her diamond Tiffany rings in my clay tribute to Jimmy Hoffa. What’s a poor guy with a classy lady to do?

Thanks in Advance,
Entry Level Suitor

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Dear Suitor,

I swear to god, that thing about her losing jewelry in your “clay” better not be a euphemism.

That aside, the key to this evening’s success is going to be costumes. Dig through your closet for the classiest suit you have, or at least a dress shirt that passes the sniff test. Slick back your hair, pencil in a mustache. If you have a mustache already, for the love of cheap tequila shave that disgusting face fungus off your languishing visage. Now, leave a tie loose around your neck, and pack your keys in your jacket’s front pocket so there’s a noticeable change in the line of your suit and a faint metal sound when you walk.

When you arrive at her door, kiss her hand immediately after checking your surroundings for possible threats. Pull her close. Giovanni’s men could be right behind you, and it’s time to take your lady out of here. Run to the car and begin a whirlwhind tour of the city at night – two rides at the carnival, sneak in the back door for twenty minutes of a picture show, grab no more than one shared glass of wine at the swank bar and lounge because you must drive – drive! – to make the night last, because it’s just you and your dame until the sun rises or death stares you down from the barrel of a snub-nose .45

Cheers,
Jane

**

Dear Jane,

My parents won’t buy me a car. What am I going to do? I’ll be the only Senior taking the bus! How will I pick up the bitches, Jane? Think of my bitches!

Signed,
Loathsome Fool With His Hat on Backwards.

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Dear Maggot Feeding Upon the Rotting Flesh of Society,

You should count yourself lucky that your parents haven’t killed you. It shows real strength of will for them to live with their decision while so many of us suffer.

I don’t know how you came to believe that you are owed a car, but some of us never got it so good. Some of us were unpopular, even once we discovered makeup.

Some of us loved to play soccer, but were never as good as the other kids and so even 10 years and 2,000 miles after our last season the soft sussurance of a father criticizing his child’s footwork at the local park triggers incoherent rage and the burning desire to melt through the hood of a mini van with homemade blocks of thermite.

Some of us never got a part in the school play, even though we knew all the lines, because the neighbors’ blonde girl bounced so much better and someone wanted us home by eight to work on bringing up our calculus grade so that if we were social failures we could at least get into a “real” school.

DAMMIT, DAD. SOME OF US JUST WANTED TO BE LOVED.

**

Dear Angry Looking Punk Girl,

Will you be my girlfriend?

-

Unless your name is “Batman”, I’m not interested.

Sweet Christ, where did I leave my mace?

Jane

**

Send me your questions, nerds!

This is just one of those days when you need to read something funny. P.J. O’Rourke fits the bill perfectly.

• You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.
• You can’t get rid of poverty by giving people money.
• With Epcot Center the Disney corporation has accomplished something I didn’t think possible in today’s world. They have created a land of make-believe that’s worse than regular life.
• The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New Year’s Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person you’re married to.
• The weirder you’re going to behave, the more normal you should look. It works in reverse, too. When I see a kid with three or four rings in his nose, I know there is absolutely nothing extraordinary about that person.
• There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible.
• There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences.
• There’s one more terrifying fact about old people: I’m going to be one soon.
• What use is it to endure the Dutch Rubs and Indian Rope Burns that are politics if you can’t obtain mastery over people and give them noogies back?
• Whatever it is that the government does, sensible Americans would prefer that the government does it to somebody else. This is the idea behind foreign policy.
• When a couple decide to divorce, they should inform both sets of parents before having a party and telling all their friends. This is not only courteous but practical. Parents may be very willing to pitch in with comments, criticism and malicious gossip of their own to help the divorce along.
• When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators.
• The mystery of government is not how Washington works but how to make it stop.
• The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. The Republicans are the party that says government doesn’t work and then they get elected and prove it.
• The Clinton administration launched an attack on people in Texas because those people were religious nuts with guns. Hell, this country was founded by religious nuts with guns. Who does Bill Clinton think stepped ashore on Plymouth Rock?
• Staying married may have long-term benefits. You can elicit much more sympathy from friends over a bad marriage than you ever can from a good divorce.
• Social Security is a government program with a constituency made up of the old, the near old and those who hope or fear to grow old. After 215 years of trying, we have finally discovered a special interest that includes 100 percent of the population. Now we can vote ourselves rich.
• Seriousness is stupidity sent to college.
• Politics are for foreigners with their endless wrongs and paltry rights. Politics are a lousy way to get things done. Politics are, like God’s infinite mercy, a last resort.
• No drug, not even alcohol, causes the fundamental ills of society. If we’re looking for the source of our troubles, we shouldn’t test people for drugs, we should test them for stupidity, ignorance, greed and love of power.
• Never wear anything that panics the cat.
• Never fight an inanimate object.
• Never be unfaithful to a lover, except with your wife.
• Marijuana is self-punishing. It makes you acutely sensitive, and in this world, what worse punishment could there be?
• Making fun of born-again Christians is like hunting dairy cows with a high powered rifle and scope.
• Let’s reintroduce corporal punishment in the schools – and use it on the teachers.
• In our brief national history we have shot four of our presidents, worried five of them to death, impeached one and hounded another out of office. And when all else fails, we hold an election and assassinate their character.
• If you say a modern celebrity is an adulterer, a pervert and a drug addict, all it means is that you’ve read his autobiography.
• If you are young and you drink a great deal it will spoil your health, slow your mind, make you fat – in other words, turn you into an adult.
• If government were a product, selling it would be illegal.
• I like to think of my behavior in the sixties as a “learning experience.” Then again, I like to think of anything stupid I’ve done as a “learning experience.” It makes me feel less stupid.
• I am a journalist and, under the modern journalist’s code of Olympian objectivity (and total purity of motive), I am absolved of responsibility. We journalists don’t have to step on roaches. All we have to do is turn on the kitchen light and watch the critters scurry.
• Humans are the only animals that have children on purpose with the exception of guppies, who like to eat theirs.
• Government proposes, bureaucracy disposes. And the bureaucracy must dispose of government proposals by dumping them on us.
• Gossip is what you say about the objects of flattery when they aren’t present.
• Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
• Feeling good about government is like looking on the bright side of any catastrophe. When you quit looking on the bright side, the catastrophe is still there.
• Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern, like bad wallpaper.
• Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.
• Every government is a parliament of whores. The trouble is, in a democracy, the whores are us.
• Even very young children need to be informed about dying. Explain the concept of death very carefully to your child. This will make threatening him with it much more effective.
• Even a band of angels can turn ugly and start looting if enough angels are unemployed and hanging around the Pearly Gates convinced that all the succubi own all the liquor stores in Heaven.
• Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.
• Children must be considered in a divorce considered valuable pawns in the nasty legal and financial contest that is about to ensue.
• Children from the age of five to ten should watch more television. Television depicts adults as rotten SOB’s, given to fistfights, gunplay, and other mayhem. Kids who believe this about grownups aren’t likely to argue about bedtime.
• Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly.
• Automobiles are free of egotism, passion, prejudice and stupid ideas about where to have dinner. They are, literally, selfless. A world designed for automobiles instead of people would have wider streets, larger dining rooms, fewer stairs to climb and no smelly, dangerous subway stations.
• America wasn’t founded so that we could all be better. America was founded so we could all be anything we damned well pleased.
• Always read something that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
• What is your host’s purpose in having a party? Surely not for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they’d have simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi.
• A very quiet and tasteful way to be famous is to have a famous relative. Then you can not only be nothing, you can do nothing too.
• A hat should be taken off when you greet a lady and left off for the rest of your life. Nothing looks more stupid than a hat.

So I’m back, from outer space or at least the big D&D convention in Costa Rica. I thank Jane for her wonderful psychic guidance and put forth that she needs to become an advice columnist for us nerds. Her observations are spot on. Don’t think I haven’t been thinking of you folks while I’ve been rolling my 1d20 though, and I have some advice for all of you. Stay true to your character.

ARIES (Mar. 21—Apr. 20)
This week you must learn to think of yourself as a Lammasu. You are a noble creature with the face of a human, the body of a lion and the wings of an eagle. Adventurers seek you our for your wisdom and compassion. Your lucky feat is Spirited Charge.

TAURUS (Apr. 21–May 21)
This week you must learn to think of yourself as a Gorgon. You are a bull-like creature who guards its territory and possessions with fierce determination. You are aggressive and will attempt to trample interlopers into your domain. Your lucky feat is Improved Disarm.

GEMINI (May 22–June 21)
This week you must learn to think of yourself as an Ettin, a two-headed giant known for your ferocity. You may not be the smartest creature in the world but you are a cunning fighter and two heads are better than one when it comes to listening and searching. Your lucky feat is Alertness.

CANCER (June 22–July 22)
This week you must learn to think of yourself as a Phase Spider. You are an aggressive hunter who can move between the material and the ethereal planes. Your eight silver-white eyes see all. Hunt with pleasure my Cancer friend. Your lucky feat is Improved Initiative.

LEO (July 23—Aug. 22)
This week you must learn to think of yourself as a Cloaker. You lurk in the dark places below the surface of things. You have the ability to stay still and alert long after the rest of the creatures have given up and moved on. Lie in wait my Leo friend. Your lucky feat is Endurance.

VIRGO (Aug. 23–Sept. 23)
This week you must learn to think of yourself as a Silver Dragon. You are regal, graceful and wise with the cheerful ability to help others. You often take human form when you are not at rest in your aerial lair and can walk on clouds as if they were earth. You avoid combat except when faced with a particularly evil or aggressive foe. Your lucky feat is Craft Wondrous Item.

LIBRA (Sept. 24–Oct. 23)
This week you must learn to think of yourself as Shield Guardian. Your purpose in life is to ensure the safety of those you have been charged with protecting. You are strong and direct, metallic and imposing. Your lucky feat is Deflect Arrows.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24–Nov. 22)
This week you must learn to think of yourself as a pixie. You are small and elf-like but you are a merry prankster who loves to lead travelers astray and trick misers out of their wealth. Your job in life is to annoy and frustrate the greedy. Your lucky feat is Rapid Shot.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 23–Dec. 21)
This week you must learn to think of yourself as an Aasimar. You are the product of a union between a celestial and a human. You look human except for minor details, such as those cute curly horns growing out of your head. You are good in nature but an excellent fighter and leader with the ability to cast an occasional spell. Your lucky feat is Scribe Scroll.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22–Jan. 20)
This week you must learn to think of yourself as a Storm Giant. You are huge and powerful, good but chaotic. No one else’s rules can govern you. Your strength is unparalleled. Fight the good fight. Your lucky feat is Sunder.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 21–Feb. 19)
This week you must learn to think of yourself as a Blink Dog. When you hunt or track you can appear out of nowhere. You are constantly surprising your prey. You are playful but very protective, especially of your pups. Your lucky feat is Iron Will.

PISCES (Feb. 20–Mar. 20)
This week you must learn to think of yourself as an Arrowhawk. You have the wings of a hawk and a long snakelike body covered in feathers and spines. You are extremely territorial and you are always hungry. You can fire rays of electricity from your tail. Your lucky feat is Far Shot.

The Bullets will forgo it’s usual intro this week in favor of a brief commentary by guest correspondent Mr. T, who is NOT compensated by The Bullets, or by justusnerds.com in any way. Hey, when T says he wants to post, T gets to post, you dig? Take it away, T:

All right foo’s, listen up! Me bein’ a big Hollywood star and Comcast spokesman and everything I need to stay on top of all the this’s and the that’s about Hollywood and pop culture… but have you eva tried lookin’ stuff like that up on the internet box? I ain’t got time for all that jibba jabba! That’s why I start the day with a ten mile run, a big glass of orange juice with extra vitamin C, and JUSTUSNERDS.COM. They tell me all the stuff I gotsta know about all the stuff I gotsta know about. And they make me laugh. And they even gots a horoscope so’s I know what’s gonna happen every week. And it’s never wrong! So don’t be a foo’! Treat your Momma right! Say your milk! Eat your prayers! Drink your vitamins! And read justusnerds.com!

• So we were watching E! the other day (I know, I know… but we do it for you) and we saw a promo for E! News Daily in which Giuliana DePandi called herself GiuliANDA DePandi. We tried to reach her, to discuss just exactly how stupid one would have to be to mispronounce one’s own name, but when the phone rang she went to answer the door.
• Former child star and current violent, drunken ass-face Danny Bonaduce will appear in the first half of CSI’s two-part season premiere, airing Sept. 21st. The CSI gang finds Bonaduce’s partially decomposed carreer in a dumpster behind the Game Show Network, and sets out to find the killer.
• Critically acclaimed actor William Macy berated America’s bad girl/skin sweetheart Lindsay Lohan this week for her habit of showing up late for movie shoots. Macy went on to say “A lot of actors show up late as if they’re God’s gift to the film. It’s inexcusable.” Then he then complained about how complicated medicare’s new prescription drug programs were, yelled “Consarnit!” then fell and broke his hip.
• CBS’s reality show Survivor responed to criticism that the show isn’t racially diverse enough by racially segregating this season’s contestants. When The Bullets tried to reach Mark Burnett Productions for comment, we were refered to the company’s new Director of Human Resources, Mel Gibson.
• According to his publisher, Norman Mailer’s first new novel in ten years, The Castle In The Forest, will be released in January. A synopsis wasn’t available at Bullets press time, as the synopsis is over 1,000 pages, and no one here has finished reading it yet.
• Legendary crap producer & composer Andrew Lloyd Webber has a new target for his next musical, the classic Russian novel The Master and Margarita by Mikhail Bulgakov. The author, who died in 1940, was too busy spinning in his grave to comment.
• In other literary news, Britney Spear’s tell-all book Stages is now only sold in .99 cent stores. There will presumably be some sort of discount when you purchace the book with a bag of Fritos & some Tang.
• And finally, in Nerd birthday news, one of our heroes, Elvis Costello, turned 53 yesterday. Now go listen to my Aim Is True.

Those are The Bullets for this week, kids. We’re off to watch House re-runs & wish we had to walk with a cane, because that fuckin’ guy makes it look COOL AS HELL.

Joss Whedon recently posted his 25 Favorite TV Characters and as a nerd fanboy I feel the need to follow suit. It is important to note the limitations of any list. My list of the best television characters cannot masquerade as a best of all time. The earliest characters on my list are from the late seventies / early eighties and that is because my active and intelligent television years only go back about that far. Also, there are very few characters from current shows on the list. This is because I tried to be sure that it wasn’t recent affections driving the list. Barney on How I Met Your Mother and Dr. House on House are two characters I considered for the list but dropped just because I think it is too soon to be sure. Finally, the list is alphabetical, so the first should be no more highly regarded than the last or any in between.

Allison Hannigan as Willow Rosenberg on Buffy The Vampire Slayer
On television, many characters become stagnant and entrenched. They don’t evolve. Willow Rosenberg was not one of those characters. She grew from the goofy, nerdy sidekick into a woman with complex desires and problems. If there is one word to define Willow it is “evolution”.

Andy Kaufman as Latka Gravas on Taxi
Andy Kaufman was a very gifted, but very strange comedian. He did some brilliant work outside of Taxi, but I think the constraints that network television kept him just enough in check that he did by far his best work as Latka, the immigrant mechanic who’s fictional home country and culture grew in complexity and absurdity with each passing episode.

Anthony Edwards as Dr. Mark Greene on ER
It’s hard to remember now, but back in the early nineties ER was the best show around and as Dr. Mark Greene, Anthony Edwards gave a wonderfully nuanced performance. George Clooney may have been the hunk, but Edwards was the heart of the show and he made ER great.

Bruce Willis as David Addison on Moonlighting
Moonlighting was, during the first two seasons, the funniest and most inspired detective show ever. The show hinged on the chemistry between Bruce Willis and Cybil Shepard. For that, I have to give all the credit to Bruce Willis because I couldn’t have spent ten minutes in room with that woman.

Claire Danes as Angela Chase on My So Called Life
Hers was, by far, the most realistic portrayal of a teenager I have ever seen on television. Much of the credit goes to the excellent writing, but Claire Danes’ portrayal of Angela Chase was the glue that held the whole show together.
 

Corbin Bernsen as Arnie Becker on L.A. Law
Arnie Becker was a joyful sleazebag. He was scheming, self-congratulatory and he couldn’t keep it in his pants if his life depended on it. More importantly, if you needed a divorce lawyer in the eighties, he was the guy you hired, just because you didn’t want to face him on the other side.

David Hyde Pierce as Niles Crane on Frasier
On Cheers, Frasier was intelligent, snobbish, self-involved and peculiar. He was all of those things on Frasier too, but as his brother Niles, David Hyde Pierce topped him in every category. Niles was more intelligent, more snobbish, more self-involved and just by looks of him the most peculiar guy in the room. He was the one person who could make Frasier look normal.

Dirk Benedict as Lt. Templeton “Faceman” Peck on The A-Team
Feeding off the reputation he created in Battlestar Galactica, Dirk Benedict rose to new heights as the A-Team’s resident scrounger, con man and horny bastard. The A-Team might have succeeded without him, but they wouldn’t have done it in style.

Ed O’Neil as Al Bundy on Married with Children
Al Bundy was a man of perfect contradictions. He was clever but stupid. He was thin but flabby. He loved his wife but couldn’t stand her. He hated women’s feet but he sold women’s shoes. He was miserable, but resisted all attempts to change. He was the perfect caricature of the modern married man.

Edward Woodward as Robert McCall on The Equalizer
Robert McCall was the geezer with a gun. In the early days of the show, before political correctness set in, he just blew away the bad guys without a moment’s hesitation. He was Reaganism at the street level.
 

Jeffrey Donovan as Detective David Creegan on Touching Evil
Sadly, this show lasted only thirteen episodes but Jeffrey Donovan was amazing as Detective David Creegan, a formerly by-the-books FBI agent who suffered a near fatal gunshot wound that cost him his family and a piece of his sanity but gave him a remarkable insight into crime. Many shows have played the mentally ill detective concept for laughs but in Touching Evil, Creegan’s pain and loss are ripping him apart and he is unable to fully control the impulses in his brain.

Jessica Alba as Max / X5-452 on
Jessica Alba’s Max tapped into so many our turn-of-the millennium hot-buttons: girl power; cloning; overreaching government surveillance and control; terrorism and minority rights. More importantly, Max kicked ass and she looked great doing it.

Kurtwood Smith as Red Forman on That 70s Show
In the early days of this show, before Topher Grace grew into a solid comedic actor and the rest of the kids became reasonable comic foils, Kurtwood Smith as the father who was desperately, angrily trying to teach his dumbass son how to be a man, generated most of the laughs. He never actually put his foot up Eric’s ass, but the threat made all the difference.

Kyle MacLachlan as Special Agent Dale Cooper on Twin Peaks
The dessert-loving Dale Cooper represented a whole new kind of FBI agent. His approach was part human observation, part numerology, and part Freudian dream analysis. At one point it involved throwing rocks at a post. I miss Agent Cooper.

Larry Hagman as J.R. Ewing on Dallas
J.R. Ewing was the most evil bastard on television. He didn’t just hurt people; he crushed their spirits, took their money, bedded their wives and then he celebrated with a big-assed cigar.

 
Lucy Lawless as Xena on Xena: Warrior Princess
Xena was pure female empowerment. Strapped in leather; wielding a weapon forged by the Greek Gods and letting loose with a war cry as she kicked everyone’s ass from Greece to Rome to China to modern-day Hollywood.

Michael Chiklis as Detective Vic Mackey on The Shield
Vic Mackey is perhaps the most intense and complex character I have ever seen on television. He can turn from good to evil on a dime and never lose the core of his character. Great writing and great acting.

 
Michael Dorn as Worf in ST:TNG
I’m a nerd, so I had to include at least one Star Trek universe character, and for me that character was Worf. Worf was the square peg in the round saucer section of the bright and shiny Next Generation. He didn’t like to chat. He didn’t like to bathe. He did like to shoot at things. He may have been a Klingon, but he was most reminiscent of the glorious original Star Trek, when the crew LIVED for confrontation.

Michael Richards as Cosmo Kramer on Seinfeld
Kramerica Industries; The Japanese Businessmen; The Coffee Table Book; The Polar Bears; Joe Dimaggio; The J. Peterman Reality Tour; HE Pennypacker . . . the funny just keeps coming.

Pearce Brosnan as Remington Steel on Remington Steel
Long before he was the picture of suave in the 007 movies, Pearce Brosnan was the ultimate phony on Remington Steel. A con man with a heart, he was the completely unskilled fake detective who fronted for the very real and smart Laura Holt back when we could buy the premise that no one would believe a WOMAN would be able to run her own detective agency.

Phil Hartman as Bill McNeal on Newsradio
Newsradio was an underrated gem and Phil Hartman was in top form at Bill McNeal. He made fatuousness look good. The show was never the same without him.

Ricky Gervais as David Brent on The Office
Ricky Gervais pulled off the ultimate feat of making people laugh by playing a horrendously unfunny person who thinks he is hilarious. Somehow, he even managed to make me feel sorry for the poor deluded idiot.

Seth McFarlane as Stewie Griffin on Family Guy
Stewie Griffin is an evil, matricidal baby with an IQ off the charts and an irresistible attraction to teletubbies and leather bars. Nuff Said.
 

Tracy Grandstaff as Daria Morgendorffer on Daria
Daria was probably the most depressed and unhappy character to ever carry a show. She spoke in monotone. She avoided intimacy the way some people avoid cockroaches. Each episode, whether it brought a tiny victory or a crushing defeat, she reacted with determined indifference. To top it all off, she was unbelievably funny.

Various people as God in Joan of Arcadia
In Joan of Arcadia, God was a key character. He took different forms (handsome young man, playful little girl, security guard, cafeteria worker) and every time Joan encountered him he was true both to the spirit of the person he inhabited and to his own overriding character. God watched. God made minor changes. God gave some advice. Overall, God seemed like one of us, all of us and none of us at the same time. Best portrayal of a deity ever.

This is your newest Nerd and resident psycho bitch, Jane, checking in! J.C. has been kind enough to let me fill in on the horoscopes for today, and this one goes out to all the little emo darlings I keep picking out of my Doc Martens on a regular basis. Give us a kiss.

ARIES (Mar. 21—Apr. 20)
Honey, it’s time to accept that not everyone looks good in cigarette-burned leather. Especially not over an A.F.I. t-shirt sporting significant mascara stains. If you take the first road West, there is a flannel shirt waiting for you at the end of your journey. It is warm. It smells faintly of beer. It is your salvation. Your lucky emo band is Coheed and Cambria.

TAURUS (Apr. 21–May 21)
You’re about to see your hobbies fall to the wayside and your significant other leave you for a 30 year old punk rocker with bad teeth. Fret not. Eat your Wheaties and on the 28th all will become clear. Your lucky emo band is Rise Against.

GEMINI (May 22–June 21)
That lovely lady winking at you from over by the Ms Pac-Man game is no lady. That fruit punch is no ticket to heaven! When the new moon ascends, it is advisable to wear a hat. But for the love of god, not a beret. Your lucky Emo band is Bright Eyes.

CANCER (June 22–July 22)
Stop watching Supernatural reruns and get out into some sunlight! No one wants to read your fanfic, and you could stand to get a little exercise this month. Make sure to carry high DEET content bug spray for that barbeque next Wednesday, or everyone will regret it. Your lucky emo band is Dashboard Confessional.

LEO (July 23—Aug. 22)
Sweetcakes, when I say gardening is not for wussies you need to trust me on that. Really. Your lucky emo band is Boy Sets Fire.

VIRGO (Aug. 23–Sept. 23)
Peace is finally ahead for you. If you stay true to your feelings (and not those of Harry-At-The-Bus-Stop), you’ll be well on your way to your own slice of the pie. Keep it up! Your lucky emo band is Fugazi.

LIBRA (Sept. 24–Oct. 23)
You’ve got the best Big Picture skills of anyone in the Zodiac, and it is time to prove it. Corporate politics are terrifying at best, but with a little moxy, luck, and tequila, you’ll be well on your way to business stardom. Just don’t trust the man in the red jacket! Your lucky emo band is My Chemical Romance.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24–Nov. 22)
Those high schoolers at the Dairy Queen aren’t really laughing at you, they’re just intimidated by your sexiness. Steer clear, or you’ll wind up alone in an alley with your wallet missing and 50 Cent in your record collection. Don’t say I didn’t warn you! Your lucky emo band is Pedro the Lion.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 23–Dec. 21)
Kitten, Twinkies are no good for your alien love-child. Ho-ho’s are far better. Be on the look out for a magic hobo next week. He brings you tidings of joy and lower rates on car insurance. Your lucky emo band is Fall Out Boy.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22–Jan. 20)
Your little buddies may think cutting is cool, but lockjaw is about as unsexy as it gets. Check those old razors for rust in between making mix tapes and writing your fifth “current mood: depressed” entry of the day on LiveJournal. Your EMT will thank you. Your lucky emo band is Bayside.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 21–Feb. 19)
Nobody likes a sore loser, so instead of sulking in the corner when you’re trounced by that hair dresser with the split lip, bust out those jello shots from the back of your fridge and throw yourself a rockin’ party. Your lucky emo band is Sunny Day Real Estate.

PISCES (Feb. 20–Mar. 20)
Danger, dear reader, danger! An upcoming encounter with a dilapidated Ford Bronco may cost your more than your dignity, and that money you buried under a rock in the front yard will prove not as safe as you once thought. On the bright side, that hottie at the bar is totally checking you out. Your lucky emo band is Braid.

Just in case you haven’t heard yet, Comedy Central has picked up the syndication rights to Scrubs, and will air them (two at a time!) weeknights at 7:00 p.m. beginning Monday, September 19. It’ll be great to see the first few seasons again, won’t it?

We’re still a little skittish, I know… but the 5th season is still on NBC’s line-up, so things look pretty good for now.

Things I’ve learned from The Sci-Fi Channel #487:
Giant Snakes have poor time management skills.

Ah, bless The Sci-Fi Channel.

On Sunday, in what I assume was a tribute to this weekend’s release of Snakes On a Plane, The Sci-Fi Channel played Boa, Python, Python 2, and Boa Vs. Python, all in a row. While never being one to look a gift marathon of giant snake movies in the mouth (that’s a really good way to get eaten, by the way), halfway through Python, somewhere between Jenny McCarthy’s decapitation, Casper Van Dien’s impalement, and Wil Wheaton’s purple hair, I began to notice a theme. Giant snakes, while being ferocious & terrifying, are apparently easily distracted.

Whenever a giant snake was killed, it was usually led to some kind of trap, like a huge pile of explosives, or a giant vat of acid. Someone would get the giant snake’s attention, the snake would attack them, but then someone else would tap on the snake’s tail, or shoot at it, or yell, “Over here, you SONOFABITCH!” and the snake would invariably go after them, instead of finishing the other person off. In Python, this tactic was repeated 5 times until the snake finally jumped in the big ol’ vat of acid.

I’m sorry, but that’s just an inability to stay task-oriented. If the giant snakes had remained focused, and eaten each person individually, they probably would have gotten away.

The ability to multi-task is important, but it just doesn’t seem to be the giant snake’s forte. I would suggest a seminar of some kind before they terrorize that next rural town, or top secret underground prison compound in Antarctica. There are also some easy-to-do exercises that can build better time management skills. Hell, even a “to-do list” would help.

Or, you can read more about it in my upcoming book, 7 Habits For Highly Successful Giant Snakes.

It might be time to pull the plug on this one, BB fans. Howie’s gone, Janelle’s all alone in the shark tank again, and the bad idea that is Big Brother All Stars keeps getting worse & worse. Even CBS realized it, and moved the show’s finale up a week, hence the double eviction this week that sent poor Howie out the door on his ass. All these people do is lay around all day endlessly rehashing their old seasons, talking about sequester bonuses & promoting websites, and complaining. It’s not very compelling stuff, and I get bored & wander off after about 10 minutes on the feed now. At least with Howie in there I got a chuckle every now & again. Now that he’s gone… I got nuthin’.

8/19:

HOH:
Boogie

NOMINATED:
To be determined…
POWER OF VETO:
To be determined…

• Chilltown seemed like they might be separating a bit this past week, but it was probably just a mirage. Boogie’s HOH now, and there could be some trouble if Will wants him to put up Erika… but more than likely that’s all just CBS-created smoke without fire. Will & Mike are still the odds-on favorites for final 2, and this thing seems more and more scripted every day. Their act is starting to get old, but hey, at least they managed to take the wind out of CBS’ sails by making the AMAZING NEW POWER of the coup d’etat totally irrelevant.
• Danielle surprised me with her apparently genuine attempts to make Janelle feel better after Howie’s eviction. But I’m sure she’ll open her mouth & spoil it all soon enough. Ugh, I HATE that woman.
• Erika. Yawn. Yeah… she’s still there. She takes up oxygen, and that’s about it. Hey, at least she doesn’t take up much space.
• Chicken George. You backdoored Howie. He liked you, too. So did I. You’ve been in over your head since the beginning, but you’re just chum in the water now, Mr. Fart, and all the goofy home-made costumes & cooking people dinner in the world can’t save you. I’d wish you good luck, but you wouldn’t know what to do with it if you got it.
• James. You’re always a bad sport, that’s what makes you almost fun to watch. But this year your hypocracy & your self-righteousness have loomed to annoying proportions, and now you’re just like fingernails on a blackboard. And you called my lil Janie a fat piece of shit. You & Dani deserve each other.
• Janelle. Hang in there, baby. Remember, you’ll always be America’s choice.

Ziggy really sang
Screwed up eyes and screwed down hairdo
Like some cat from Japan…
He could lick ‘em by smiling
He could leave ‘em to hang
Came on so loaded man…
Well hung and snow white tan

So where were The Bullets
While the fly tried to break our balls
Just a beer light to guide us
So we bitched about his fans
And should we crush his sweet hands?

• “Look how goth I am!” director & world’s oldest emo kid Tim Burton will be directing the film version of the broadway hit Sweeny Todd. The film will of course star Johnny Depp. When The Bullets reached Burton for comment, he said that he was “excited to see how I can turn some more totally new source material into the same crap movie I’ve been making over & over for the last 15 years.” He then excused himself, presumably to go make Depp look like Michael Jackson again.
• Fake magician & Cpt. Hairdo David Copperfield claims he has found the fountain of youth. Copperfield, who has made both the Statue Of Liberty & Claudia Schiffer disappear, plans to turn the location into a resort. When The Bullets reached a spokesman for comment, he said, “Yeah… anymore we just kinda nod & smile when he says shit like that.”
• Justin Timberlake decided to take a pot shot at American idol winner Taylor Hicks this week, saying that the leader of the Soul Patrol “couldn’t carry a tune in a bucket.” The Bullets has recieved confirmation that Timberlake is now officially under investigation by the Bureau Of Dead Metaphors. As for Hicks, when we reached him for comment on the situation, he expressed confusion as to how anyone might be able to put music in a bucket, corrected himself after thinking that maybe someone could put a radio in there, earnestly thanked us for being a part of his amazing success, then yelled “WHOOOO WEEEEE!.
• In Music news, Billy Corwin’s re-formed Smashing Pumpkins are in the studio recording their new album. In recent years Corwin has released music with the band Zwan & as a solo act. The Bullets has discovered that the new album is tentitively entitled “Hey you guys… c’mon… hey, listen to me… LISTEN TO MEEEEE!!!!!”
• Execs at the new CW Network have announced that a writer’s strike would in no way hamper the production of it’s upcoming season of America’s Next Top Model, primarily because no one associated with show knows how to read.
• Moon-faced over-actress & weirdo baby-namer Gwyneth Paltrow, who has been taking a break from acting for the past two years while she had her 2 babies, has announced that she’s ready to get back to work. Oh well… it was nice while it lasted, wasn’t it?
• And finally, in nerd birthday news, H.P. Lovecraft turns 115 today. Hail, Cthulhu!

Those are The Bullets for this week, kids. KILL YOUR TV!

ARIES (Mar. 21—Apr. 20)
There has been a lot of activity with your sign lately. The taunting. The shellacking. The late night bingo sessions. You’ve been too busy for all of those things. It is time for you to hit the road. Go see a statue in another city. Think of it as catharsis, although that isn’t what it is of course. Your lucky Harry Dean Stanton movie is Wild at Heart.

TAURUS (Apr. 21–May 21)
Nobody frolics anymore, and that is a real shame. A good frolic can give your heart a whole new lease on live. I’ll bet you don’t have the guts to frolic though. It takes an awfully brave or oblivious person. Try to be one or the other. Your lucky Harry Dean Stanton movie is The Straight Story.

GEMINI (May 22–June 21)
It may take a village to raise a child but private school is still your best bet. You’ve been thinking about children a lot lately, haven’t you? Well, stop. Start thinking about Pragmatism. It is a good ethos. Your lucky Harry Dean Stanton movie is Down Periscope.

CANCER (June 22–July 22)
If you’ve ever jumped out of a moving vehicle, then you are probably familiar with the concept of tuck and roll. I want you to tuck and roll this week. If something gets you down or gets you angry, tuck and roll. It is the best way for a Cancer to deal with disaster. Your lucky Harry Dean Stanton movie is Twin Peaks: Fire Walk with Me.

LEO (July 23—Aug. 22)
I’ve warned you more than once to stop stalking people but you just don’t seem to listen. How many bedroom windows do you have to look into before you understand that you are no longer a past of the picture? Give everyone a break. Take up a hobby. I hear that scrapbooking is fun. Your lucky Harry Dean Stanton movie is The Big Bounce.

VIRGO (Aug. 23–Sept. 23)
Nice job on that interview last week. I told you to just relax and be yourself and look how well it went. The phone calls are going to be flying fast and furious this week. You have a lot of suitors. Go with your gut. You’ve got the best gut in the Zodiac. Your lucky Harry Dean Stanton movie is Repo Man.

LIBRA (Sept. 24–Oct. 23)
With the price of gasoline and gold rising so quickly these days, I think you ought to take a look at getting into commodities training. Of any of the signs, I’ve always said that you’ve got the best head for commodities. Make us proud and make a little money. Your lucky Harry Dean Stanton movie is Pretty in Pink.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24–Nov. 22)
Can you sense the change in the air these days? Your sign is entering brand new territory. You need to get outdoors as often as you can this week. Roller skating can be fun and so can skateboarding. Give one of those a try and you will have the breakthrough you’ve been looking for. Your lucky Harry Dean Stanton movie is Paris, Texas.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 23–Dec. 21)
I can’t help but think we’ve been down this road before. How many people are you going to have to hurt in order to get what you want? The list is up to about 23 at this point so try to keep it fewer than 30. Good luck my friend. Your lucky Harry Dean Stanton movie is Alien.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22–Jan. 20)
Wake up. This is no picnic and it’s no roadhouse barbeque. Stop dawdling. Go to the mall and pick yourself up a new pair of pants. You’ve going to need them where you’re going. Try not to get corduroy. Corduroy is the devil’s fabric. Your lucky Harry Dean Stanton movie is Pat Garrett & Billy the Kid.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 21–Feb. 19)
Freedom and liberty made America great. What are you going to do to help? It is about time you stopped sitting on your ass and got into the fight. Pick a side and make a stand. America needs people like you right now on both sides of the battle. Your lucky Harry Dean Stanton movie is The Green Mile.

PISCES (Feb. 20–Mar. 20)
This is the week that you should start writing poems. I assign you to write eighteen dirty limericks this week. It will make you smile and it will keep you away from the trouble that is going to come looking for you by the weekend. Just keep writing and you will be just fine. Your lucky Harry Dean Stanton movie is She’s So Lovely .

So, did Julie Chen seem a little cranky friday morning on The Early Show? Well, BB fans, that’s because she had to work late. in case you haven’t heard, Howie’s bitching about his malfunctioning buzzer reached a fever pitch after Thursday night’s 3rd Kaysar eviction & instalation of Erika as HOH. The result? A whole new HOH competition was held around midnight. The winner? That’s right, bitches, it was my little janie, who wasted no time in putting Erika & Danielle’s asses on the block. it was a nice aknowledgment of some kind of truth happening by BB… although with the dreaded Coup D’Etat hanging over everyone’s heads, it’s obvious that the producers are still reserving the right to just make this shit up as they go along.

8/11:

HOH:
Janelle

NOMINATED:
Erika & Danielle

POWER OF VETO:
To be determined…

• First, a few words about Kaysar, who was evicted on his birthday. WTF, BB? Kaysar doesn’t get an exit interview, instead you just ambush him with the James-stabbed-him-in-the-back-and-hates-Janie-and-don’t-you-feel-like-an-IDIOT crap? That was brutal, and uncalled for, and quite frankly, not very entertaining. It would have been much more interesting to let Kaysar learn that shit from the goodbye messages than from you, Julie Chen, you robotic, souless, Michael jackson’s plastic surgeon reject, fuck-the-boss-for-a-job loser. Here’s s tip. America loves Kaysar. But we HATE you.
• :::ahem::: OK, Kaysar really isn’t cut out for this game. Reading Sun Tzu is all well & good, but the strategies, as sound as they are, rely too much on people being honest, or at the very least, having a vague notion of what the word honor means. A fatal error in a house full of nothing but evil, and/or stupid liars. Bye again, kays. We’ll miss you on the night shift.
• Danielle & James’ Legion Of Doom (with Doom defined as self-righteous assholes) appears to still be intact, even after James fucked her over in the veto competition & snagged the phone call from home so he could talk to Scarah. Great, more self-important crying in the Diary Room from Dani about how much she misses her hellspawn. Beautiful. Anyway, some people are too stupid to put 2 and 2 together to make 4, and they get what they deserve.
• As for James, he’s back snuggling up with Howie & Janelle again, and Janie’s patented BB7 James-amnesia appears to be firing up. I’m sorry, I’m not buying it… she’s not that stupid, and EVERYONE knows it. I smell a script.
• Marcellas became entertaining for awhile there when the claws came out and he turned on Janelle. But his moaning about how much he loved Diane, and his moaning about EVERYTHING ELSE has gotten old fast. When he walks into a room on the feeds these days, I’ll usually start looking for someplace to ditch, before the whining starts.
• Erika thought she got rewarded by the BB gods for turning her back on Kaysar in favor of her new snakes James & Dani… but a twist of fate (?) put her ass on the block. And she’ll probably go home because of it, unless she can pull out the POV competition, or figure out the Coup D’Etat clues. Maybe she should have spent less time starving & more time figuring stuff out, becuase now she’s unprepared.
• Ah, Chicken George. What can I say? What the hell are you doing in there with these horrible, horrible people. You’ve pissed James off again, for what who the fuck even knows, but he was just in the starage room with dani calling you a worthless piece of shit and a liar again, so watch your back, pal.
• Oh, Howie… I don’t care what happens, you still amuse me, and your loyalty to Janelle, especially in this setting, is genuinely touching. It will, as always, cost you the win… but I don’t think I’d even be able to watch the feeds this year if you hadn’t been along for the ride. Hee, and Iove how you’ve turned Will’s “Big Boy” insults of you into a weapon of mass infuriation against him. That’s my boy.
• Which brings us to Chilltown, or Willboogie, or Dracula & his little Renfield, however you want to call it. What can I say, I’m converted. They’re fresh, entertaining, funny, and smart, and they’ve apparently got this thing all locked up (whether scripted or not). They’re in an alliance with everyone in the house, and true to only their own, and they revel in the fact that eveyone should know that, but apparently doesn’t. failing a major screw-up, or a BB script change, they’re your final 2, and that’s money.

More later as events warrant…

In the advertisements for the new Matt Dillon movie Factotum, the definition of factotum is listed as: “A man who never had a job he liked; and never kept a job he had.” The actual definition of factotum is:

1. An employee or assistant who serves in a wide range of capacities
2. A movie executive who has no idea of where to put a semicolon in a sentence
3. A pretty-boy actor with the depth of a puddle who tries to play the world’s ugliest and dirtiest poet
4. George Stephanopoulos’ secret service code name
5. Matt Dillon is playing Charles Bukowski? Matt Dillon? What? No! This cannot be! If ever there was a role crying out for Paul Giamotti or Steve Buschemi, this was it. How could the casting have gone so horribly, horribly wrong? I’m going to go punch a wall now.

“It’s got a cop motor. A 440 cubic inch plant. It’s got cop tires, cop suspension, cop shocks. It’s a model made before catalytic converters so it’ll run good on regular gas. What do you say… is it the new The Bullets-mobile or what?”

“Fix the cigarette lighter.”

Guess what, kids! Yep, it’s that time again… we are pleased to announce our latest The Bullets T-Shirt Photo Contsest! First, take a picture of yourself wearing this t-shirt (which rules). Then email it to The Bullets at

thebullets.justusnerds@gmail.com.

As always, the best submission will be chosen by The Bullets staff, and will recieve TEN DOLLARS! So why are you just sitting there? Click, BABY!

• Dustin Diamond, the artist formerly known as Screech, was reportedly the victim of an attempted mugging outside his hotel in Omaha, NE. Diamond, who was in town performing at a local comedy club, told E! a rather convoluted tale of how a fan het met at the club tried to rob him of his take from the gig, and take his PSP. According to Omaha police, no charges have been filed. When The Bullets reached Diamond’s management for comment, they said, “Um, yeah… that probably didn’t happen… Hey, at least it wasn’t ‘aliens’ this time.”



• In an utterly shocking turn of events, former Baywatch star and current silicone dumping ground Carmen Elektra is filing for divorce from her husband, pierced-nipple-man & professional goatee-hanger Dave Navarro. The court documents cite “Irreconcilable differences.” The Bullets looked up the term in the most recent edition of the Webster’s New World Law Dictionary, and were surprised to find it defined as “Yeah, he’s been fucking Jenna Jameson.”



• CBS has announced that British actress and one-time Askewniverse denizen Claire Forlani will be joining the cast of CSI:NY for it’s upcoming 3rd season. This brings the total number of chicks The Bullets wouldn’t mind nailing on CSI shows up to 7, which is an all-time high, and also ties with the total number of chicks The Bullets wouldn’t mind nailing on Law & Order shows.



• The Bullets 5th favorite Friend Courtney Cox Arquette recently told Life magazine that she and husband David Arquette recently went through some marital problems, and worked them out in couple’s therapy. The Bullets happened to catch a showing of Airheads on cable last night, and we must say that we’re surprised she hasn’t bashed him in the face with Lisa Kudrow’s Emmy.



• Last Comic Standing has crowned it’s newest winner, comedy club veteran Josh Blue. Blue, who has cerebral palsy, beat out Ty Barnett for the honor in the show’s 4th season finale Wednesday night. However, in a Bullets exclusive, we have asked that the results be questioned, after our extensive investigation uncovered that roughly 85% of all votes cast for Blue were in fact called in by Geri, Blair’s cousin from Facts Of Life.





• According to our pals over at TMZ.com, actor John Gries, best known as Napolean Dynamite’s Uncle Rico, was arrested on Aug. 3rd after an alleged road-rage incident. The Bullets reached Gries’ management for comment, and a spokesman said, “Well, in John’s defense, the guy did hit his van with a grapefruit. John really gets sick of that.”



• And finally, in Nerd birthday news, talk show legend Mike Douglas turned 81 today. Um… then he died. We at The Bullets would like to say we have fond memories of watching you after school while we were growing up, back when an afternoon talk show didn’t have to contain transvestite Nazi hookers, or paternity test results. Hell, you introduced us to Frank Zappa. And you were a heck of a singer, too. We’ll miss you Mike.

Those are The Bullets for this week, kids. And remember… if you can’t be an athlete, be an athletic supporter!

The news is apparently official, as broken by our fellow nerds over at superherohype.com. A pdf of The Marvel Studios Overview Presentation confirms that ol’ Zak Penn, who wrote Hulk & X2, is writing the screenplay for the movie adaptation of The Avengers.

Excelsior, bitches!

Sorry for the delay in the Horoscope this week. My psychic energy was at a low ebb thanks to a mind war that broke out on the tenth plane so I had our new celebrity writer, American Idol winner Taylor Hicks, write this week’s horoscope for me. I appreciate your hard work Taylor!

ARIES (Mar. 21—Apr. 20)
I swear to god your week is looking better than roasted meat and baked potatoes. You gotta grab your life by the horny toads and swing it around the room until it just busts out with fun and excitement and good feelings and all that wonderful stuff. Your lucky song is Living For The City and you know I’m singing it just for you! WhooooWeeee!

TAURUS (Apr. 21–May 21)
Oh man it’s so great to be telling you your horoscope and all. I feel so happy just to be working with you and helping you to make a better life for you and all of the special people in your life. I think you need to get out and dance more. Music heals, that’s what my Gamma always told me and I think it holds true today more than ever. You just have to let yourself feel life and be alive and all and life will give you the things you need it to provide for you if you know what I mean. Your lucky song is Dancing in the Dark and you know I’m singing it just for you! WhooooWeeee!

GEMINI (May 22–June 21)
You know whatever you gotta do you just gotta pour your heart into it and give it everything you got. I’m telling you that the moon phase is all right for you to be giving your heart and soul to everything that makes you feel good and makes the people around you feel good. When I was a kid I used to stare up at that big old man moon and wonder what was in store for me and he told me my life had magic in it. Now I’m telling you. Your lucky song is You are so Beautiful and you know I’m singing it just for you! WhooooWeeee!

CANCER (June 22–July 22)
I know you and you know me and we both know that we sometimes love too hard. Oh we love hard and feel things so deep that sometimes we just lie awake at night staring at the ceiling thinking about all the love we have to give and how it just wants to burst all up inside of us and find itself a home. Oh you know the way it is. You keep thinking about the way that life goes and you just get all amazed and stuff. Yeah you know. We really need to meet up sometimes and have ourselves a ball. Your lucky song is Try a Little Tenderness and you know I’m singing it just for you! WhooooWeeee!

LEO (July 23—Aug. 22)
You know I love you my Leo Buddy-ro, but I gotta tell you that dark times are lying in wait for you. I remember one time I got my foot stuck in a rabbit hole while I was running across my Gamma’s back yard and I got clay so deep in my jeans they was all but ruined. I felt bad but I was still so thankful to be alive and not so badly hurt and all. I think you need to take the same comfort in the fact that you ain’t quite dead yet. Your lucky song is In the Ghetto and you know I’m singing it just for you! WhooWee!

VIRGO (Aug. 23–Sept. 23)
One of the surprising things about being famous and popular and all is that people really think you’re smarter than you really are and sometimes they even respect your opinion and all. I think this is a lot like what you’re going through with your star sign and all. People keep giving you more credit than you deserve or really even need and sometimes it can make you a little uncomfortable. Am I right? Well the next time you get to feelin that way just remember that you are a Virgo and all, the best of all the star signs and that you deserve every bit of the love and adulating that you are getting. You make me so happy to be alive! Your lucky song is Crazy Little Thing Called Love and you know I’m singing it just for you! WhooooWeeee!

LIBRA (Sept. 24–Oct. 23)
Sometimes when you feel soul so deep in your soul you feel like your knees are gonna buckle and you reach deep inside yourself and pull out your dreams so you can show them to everyone you know. Do you know that feeling? I feel that feeling all the time and it just makes me so happy. You need to avoid excess sugar this week so no candy bars or licorice whips or nothing please. I know it will all work out in the end. Your lucky song is Take me Home Country Roads and you know I’m singing it just for you! WhooooWeeee!

SCORPIO (Oct. 24–Nov. 22)
I got to host this parade the other day and there was a big marching band behind me. They walked in perfect time with each other and they kept the beat real nice while I sang to all the people on the street. I’m pretty sure it happened but it may have been a dream cause sometimes I dream about parades. I can’t explain it. I’ve just done that since I was a little munchkin and all. Anyway, if your dreams and your reality somehow synch up this week you’re gonna have a fantastic and wonderful time and everybody around you will be along for the glorious ride. Oh I get so excited just thinking about it. Your lucky song is Not Fade Away and you know I’m singing it just for you! WhooooWeeee!

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 23–Dec. 21)
I know its hard to think about now that everybody sees me as this singer whose been singing since he was just a little singing kid and all but I used to play a lot of basketball. Basketball is so great and fun and all and this one time I scored 48 points in one game. That’s just one game. So you see it isn’t just that I had music to believe in. I could believe in myself a number of different ways and it all made sense to me that I could be different things and be really good and all. I think You can be a number of things too and I just want you to feel yourself come alive. I know you can do it. Go have you a meat plus three and go change the world! Your lucky song is Takin’ It to the Streets and you know I’m singing it just for you! WhooooWeeee!

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22–Jan. 20)
In my version of heaven there’s good music and good people and a whole lot of dancing and all. I love to hear the music and I love the thought of heaven and everybody getting there and making great music together. You should look for your own personal heaven. It can make a whole new you! Your lucky song is Soul Man and you know I’m singing it just for you! WhooooWeeee!

AQUARIUS (Jan. 21–Feb. 19)
My old beautiful wonderful Gamma used to tell me that there is a little bit of wonderful in each and every one of us and there’s a little bit of bad too. You got to let yourself be who you are and remember that you’re never gonna be perfect. Perfect people are like rats on a football field. They don’t belong and sooner or later they’re gonna ruin the game. Your lucky song is You Can Leave Your Hat On and you know I’m singing it just for you! WhooooWeeee!

PISCES (Feb. 20–Mar. 20)
There’s a lot of things I care for and a lot of things I don’t like war and dead puppies and people who are mean and all. I like to spend nights looking out at the rain and thinking about people I used to know when I was younger and people I will meet someday if I stay famous long enough. I keep thinking that my fifteen minutes may be running out but I hope there’s enough love out there to keep me around a while longer. I think the same is true for you. You have a lot of love to give. Give it up to everyone you know! Your lucky song is Play That Funky Music and you know I’m singing it just for you! WhooooWeeee!

The Today Show is planning to add yet another hour of light news and heavy network promotion. In some markets that will make The Today Show four hours long. Which one of these activities would be considered less pleasant than a fourth hour of The Today Show?

1. Daytime Astronomy
2. Watching that freakishly thin couple across the street eat breakfast
3. Collecting all the wadded up tissues that have accumulated next to your bed
4. Listening to your grandfather tell that story about how his car got stuck on the Seven Mile Bridge
5. I’m sorry, the only answer I can think of is a slow painful death

Macaulay Culkin has announced that he is going to star in a new movie called Sex And Breakfast that features group sex and other strong sexual themes. Would a better title have been?

1. Home Not Alone
2. Uncle Buck Naked
3. My Girl and the Six Other People She Invited Over
4. Michael Jackson’s Wet Dream
5. I just wish they would track down Anna Chlumsky so we could see them resolve all that sexual tension. And please let it end with him being stung to death by bees again.

As part of this year’s glorious Emmy debacle, Ellen Burstyn was nominated for a fourteen second cameo in the HBO movie Mrs. Harris. What is the best explanation for earning an Emmy nomination for such a short performance?

1. Name Recognition
2. New “Best Performance Under Forty Words” category
3. It’s not a TV cameo, it’s an HBO cameo.
4. It was fourteen seconds of gold baby, GOLD!
5. Oh wait a minute. It’s the Emmy awards? Didn’t they nominate the chimp from BJ and the Bear once? I could have sworn they made up a category for him and put him in a tux and everything. At least they didn’t nominate Dakota Fanning’s little sister for that episode of House. Now that would have been embarrassing. Who’s hosting? Conan O’Brien? Ehhh, maybe I’ll watch. Can we get Andy Richter to co-host?

NBC (the network that was really good in the nineties) is going to air a new reality show based on the search for a male and female lead to star in an upcoming production of Grease. They’ve named the show “You’re the One That We Want”. A more appropriate title would be:

1. “Sandy, don’t worry about it, nobody’s watching.”
2. “Why don’t you take out a missing person’s ad?”
3. “You’re a fake and a phony and I wish I never laid eyes on you.”
4. “The chick is gonna have to put out before she even gets in.”
5. I don’t know, but if that couple at karaoke does “Summer Nights” one more time I’m gonna rip my ears off.

By now I’m sure that you’ve heard the exciting news. Taylor Hicks is writing his autobiography! We at JUN were so excited that we had one of our hackers break into Taylor’s Blackberry where he stores all of his thoughts in preparation for the book. Here is an exciting sneak peak at what we can expect from the talented Mr. Hicks:

Oh man, so this one time I met Regis Philbin. He was really nice but quieter than I thought he would be. They told me he talks really loud but not when I was there. I’m like, wow, that guy talks so quiet. But it was OK cause he’s Regis Philbin and everybody just loves that guy. I mean, there’s a lot of intelligence there that I just didn’t understand when I watched him on television. What a guy. Yeah, that was great meeting Regis Philbin. Anyway, after that I sung Do I Make You Proud again. I guess everybody really likes it when I sing that song cause people clapped a lot and the women looked really enthusiastic to see me. Oh man it was great. WhooooWeeeee!

So after I sang my song I got to sit down with him and that girl who does the show with him. I can never remember whether her name is Kathy or Kelly so I just stuck to saying “Yes Ma’am” a lot. I do that when I can’t remember a girl’s name and the women really think I’m polite and down home, which I guess I am and all. Anyway, she was a really pretty lady and I really enjoyed talking to her and Regis. It was weird though cause that lady kept calling him Anderson and not Regis, but they’ve been friends a long time so I guess thats ok.

I think we talked about how my life has had a bunch of change in it since I won and all. I get to talk about that a lot. I remember telling her that my life really has changed a lot since I won American Idol and then I said “WhooooWee!” and she laughed and Regis kind of jumped in his chair and the whole thing was really fun. I mean, it sure is great being on TV shows and getting to sing in front of people. I love doin’ that and getting to meet all my fans who are just great fans. I can’t believe how popular I am now. It just makes me so happy to be able to sing and meet pretty women and have fun being a star and all.

After my “segment” was over I got to ride around New York in a limousine. The limousine had three different kinds of bottled water in it, but it didn’t have Kirkland Bottled Water, which you can get at the Costco in Alabama. I sure do miss Kirkland brands, but I guess I’m a big star now and we don’t drink stuff like Kirkland Brand Bottled Water. I mean, I guess I could be demanding and all that and tell people that I have to have Kirkland Bottled Water but it seems to me that being a star is more than just throwing fits because the water you got is different from the water you used to get so I just drank one of the waters they had there in the limousine. I think it was French but I can’t remember the name.

As we were driving I’m pretty sure we went by Central Park. It was a big park and all and I’m not really sure if there are any parks in New York besides Central Park but I didn’t want to be a bother so I didn’t ask or anything. There were a lot of people jogging in the park. I like jogging because it is good exercise and I think I look good in a sweatshirt, especially a yellow one with a zipper. That would be a good look for me. I think I would do that on stage but people like you to dress up and all and I want to make my fans happy because I really appreciate them and all the things they’ve done to help me change my life and become such a great person and good singer and all. I’m just so grateful. WooooWeee!

Circle of Destruction, hammer comes crushing
Powerhouse of energy
Whipping up a fury, dominating flurry
We create the Battery

Smashing through the boundaries, lunacy has found me
cannot stop the Battery
Pounding out aggression, turns into obsession
cannot kill the Battery

Cannot kill The Bullets
Battery is found in me

Battery!
__________________________________________________
Hey Kids! The Bullets have moved into their cozy new digs here on Friday night. What? Up and move an entire pop culture phenomenon without even a warning? Yeah, that’s just how we roll. We’re rebels and we’re never ever gonna be any good.

The Bullets would like to announce the winner of our latest T-Shirt Photo Contest. As always we had lots of terrific entries, and judging was tight. But when the smoke cleared, there could really only be one winner:

That’s right, it’s legendary tenor Luciano Pavarotti, taking time during his busy farewell concert tour to give us a shout-out. Hey… if the man says he wants more cowbell, give the man more cowbell! Thanks again Luciano… and don’t forget to check your paypal account for the big $10.00 prize!

Stay tuned for more Bullets contests, right here!

• According to Variety, Bruce Willis & 20th Century Fox are back in the dead-horse beating business, and they plan to do a fourth installment in the only-the-first-one-was-any-good “Die Hard” franchise. Die Hard: Fuck, I Think I Broke My Hip is scheduled for a June 2007 release.



• Doug Feiger, lead singer for The Knack, underwent successful brain surgery yesterday. The 51 year old had two tumors removed, and is expected to make a full recovery. Details are sketchy, but apparently one of the tumors was the actual riff to “My Sharona”… so if that thing’s still in your head, you might want to see your doctor.



• Former SNL star & tiny little Elvis Rob Schneider slammed drunken menace Mel Gibson in an open letter he had published in Variety. Schneider vowed to never again work with Gibson, due to now-infamous anti-semitic comments Gibson made at the scene of his DUI arrest. A stunned hollywood replied, “Really? The Deuce Bigalow guy? He’s still around?”



• Speaking of Mel Gibson, some of his Hollywood pals are defending him, including his Maverick co-star Jodie Foster. Foster says she believes Gibson is “absolutely not” an anti-semite. When The Bullets reached Gibson for comment, he grunted “Fuck that fucking dyke”, took a swing at us, fell down, and puked in the gutter.



• Worthless waste of space Paris Hilton recently sat down with British GQ for an interview, during which she asked who Tony Blair was, then said that she wasn’t having sex for a year. “I’ll kiss,” she went on to say, “but nothing else.” Shortly after the interview, The Bullets was able to reach Paris for some carification, and she said, “And blowjobs. Oh, and people can still cum on me. But just in my face, not on my tits.”



• And it’s official. After 8 months of playing it coy, Jenny McCarthy has finally told People magazine that she & Jim Carrey are indeed dating. The Bullets sat down with the happy couple after the big announcement, and they said that they have no plans to wed, they’re just enjoying their status as Most Obnoxious Celebrity Couple. Then they started making stupid faces at each other, and annoying sounds, and making their assholes talk to each other, and eventually we just had to leave the room.



• And also in celebrity couple news, former Most Obnoxious Couple Peter Saarsgard & Maggie Gyllenhaal were snapped by photogs recently, and Maggie’s very pregnant. The Bullets would like to congratulate the pair on the upcoming birth of the smirk-iest baby in Hollywood.



• And finally, in Nerd birthday news, Percy Bysshe Shelley turns 214 today. Sure, he wound up being best known as the husband of the chick who wrote Frankenstein. Sure, he was really just kinda the Robin to Lord Byron’s Batman. But he wrote some kick ass poetry nonetheless. Check it:

‘Men of England, heirs of Glory,
Heroes of unwritten story,
Nurslings of one mighty Mother,
Hopes of her, and one another;

‘What is Freedom? – ye can tell
That which slavery is, too well -
For its very name has grown
To an echo of your own.

-Percy Bysshe Shelley-
from The Mask Of Anarchy

Well, those are The Bullets for this week, kids. We’re off to hoist a glass in honor of another Nerd Birthday… one of our own, Andy. Happy Birthday, dude.

ARIES (Mar. 21—Apr. 20)
The difference between a miracle and a grilled cheese sandwich is not as dramatic as you would expect. Take a look around you. What grilled cheese sandwiches have you been failing to acknowledge? Your lucky geographical feature is a Box Canyon.

TAURUS (Apr. 21–May 21)
On his deathbed, my friend the multimillionaire exotic pet mogul Franz Heffert told me that he’d always wanted to be a dancer. He did love exotic pets though. There’s a lesson in that. Your lucky geographical feature is a Moor.

GEMINI (May 22–June 21)
Health and wealth are like frightened children and wallpaper. They generally have little to do with each other. Of the two, which would you choose? Your lucky geographical feature is a Fjord.

CANCER (June 22–July 22)
A fountain of knowledge isn’t like a water fountain. It is more like a freeway with way too much traffic and not enough lanes. Sooner or later, it gets you where you are going, but you may not enjoy the trip. Your lucky geographical feature is a Barchan Dune.

LEO (July 23—Aug. 22)
No matter what you settle for, sooner or later you will have to settle. If you think your parents didn’t love you then think again. They just didn’t love the idea of you. Your lucky geographical feature is a Floodplain.

VIRGO (Aug. 23–Sept. 23)
In poker, the best hand doesn’t always win the money. In chess, check and checkmate are far from the same thing. In love, what you love and what loves you are generally not the same. Pick a side. Your lucky geographical feature is a Glacier.

LIBRA (Sept. 24–Oct. 23)
The other day I met with a man who wanted to explain to me why there was nothing left to explain and why there was no reason to do so. I listened to him because he was paying me. This is what we like to call a moment of clarity. Have your own moment of clarity this week. Your lucky geographical feature is a Thalweg.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24–Nov. 22)
The Hungarians have a maxim that roughly translated says, “The truth you find will climb all over you until it relieves itself somewhere near your mouth or eyes.” Truth is a slippery thing and you should be sure you want it before you seek it. A well-crafted lie can make your day pass faster. Your lucky geographical feature is a Savannah.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 23–Dec. 21)
Surprise and delight are better than shock and awe most weeks. The beautiful also tends to trump the sublime. Make your way to the center of your soul this week and take a look around. Are you surprised or awed? Your lucky geographical feature is a Peninsula.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22–Jan. 20)
The other day I was meditating and I had a vision of you surfing on a wave of grape soda. This told me something about where you want to be in life. You crave motion over progress and journeys over destinations. There is nothing wrong with that, but always keep your eyes open when you surf. The next wave could be your last. Your lucky geographical feature is a Levee.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 21–Feb. 19)
Progress has not always been your friend, has it? Well, that’s about to change. Now, progress will be your adorable lapdog waiting for your command. Well, technically you are going to have to struggle and fight for everything you get, but at least that’s progress. Your lucky geographical feature is Tundra.

PISCES (Feb. 20–Mar. 20)
There are three trials you will have to face in the next week or two. You will be given a relationship challenge, a physical challenge and a mental challenge. To be honest, this will happen to you every week or perhaps even daily for the foreseeable future. Remember that you don’t have to succeed every time. Your lucky geographical feature is a Valley.

Mel Gibson is an anti-Semitic alcoholic conspiracy nut! This is a revelation that’s almost as startling as the Pope being Catholic.

Lance Bass is gay! In similar news, it turns out bears like to defecate in wooded areas.

There’s a heat wave across America! Could this have anything to do with it being the middle of summer?

There’s a war in the Middle East! You could have reported this story at any time in the past few thousand years and been just as correct. Peace in the Middle East . . . that would be news. I’m not talking about peace talks; those have been going on about as long as there’s been war in the Middle East.

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes kid hasn’t been seen lately! Yeah, perhaps four months old is a little young for a publicity tour? Come to think of it, I haven’t ever seen Mel Gibson’s kids either . . . I smell a conspiracy Mel!

The `Chappelle’s Show’ Lost Episodes are bad! Really? You think maybe that’s why he told everybody they sucked and quit doing them?

Lindsey Lohan suffering from exhaustion! Wow, do you think two years of hard-work AND non-stop partying might have caught up to her?

Whew, it is good to get that snark out of my system. Now I can go to bed.

Imagine stalking elk past department store windows and stinking racks of beautiful rotting dresses and tuxedos on hangers; you’ll wear leather clothes that will last you the rest of your life, and you’ll climb the wrist-thick kudzu vines that wrap the Sears Tower. Jack and The Bullets, you’ll climb up through the dripping forest canopy and the air will be so clean you’ll see tiny figures pounding corn and laying strips of venison to dry in the empty car pool lane of an abandoned superhighway stretching eight-lanes-wide and August-hot for a thousand miles.

_________________________________
Hey there, kids! The Bullets is proud to announce our next T-Shirt Photo Contest. Just take a picture of yourself wearing this t-shirt, which rules, and email it to us at thebullets.justusnerds@gmail.com

As always, the winner will be detrmined by The Bullets staff, and will recieve the big $10.00 prize! Good luck, and get snapping!

• In a shocking announcement that stunned everyone on the face of the earth, *NSYNC-erator Lance Bass revealed to People magazine Wednesday that he’s gay. Later in the day Patrick Stewart called to reveal that he’s bald, and the dessicated corpse of Paul Lynde dug itself out of it’s grave, shambled into People Magazine headquarters, and announced that it’s dead.



• Lindsay Lohan collapsed from heat exhaustion on the set of her new movie in L.A. Tuesday, and was rushed to the hospital for treatment. When The Bullets asked if the collapse might have been related to her alleged hard-partying lifestyle, a spokesman for La Lohan said, “No, that’s ridiculous… this was plain old heat exaustion, just like Sid Vicious used to get.”



• Speaking of collapsing, Prince’s marriage has also collapsed. Manuela Testolini, second wife of His Royal Badness himself, is filing for divorce. Apparently the court documents cite irreconcilable differences, but when The Bullets reached Manuela’s lawyers for comment, they said that was because they couldn’t agree on the proper legal terminology for “Sometimes Prince makes me smear 1040 motor oil all over my naked body, and ride around on an ostrich that’s been dyed purple with a Malibu Barbie doll shoved up my ass, and a stuffed ocelot wearing earrings & lipstick balanced on my head and I really don’t wanna have to do that stuff anymore.”



• According to our pals over at TMZ.com, a bicyclist in Iowa City, IA was injured when he was struck & pinned under the Girls Gone Wild tour bus. It is unclear exactly what the fuck the Girls Gone Wild tour bus was doing in Iowa, but the cyclist was taken to a nearby hospital, where he was later trapped under a fallen crate of silicone breast implants.



• In a fitting memorial, the ashes of Star Trek’s beloved James “Scotty” Doohan will be shot into space this fall. The ashes of 100 other people will also be on the flight, including the Mercury program’s beloved Gordon “Gordo” Cooper, and Barney Miller’s beloved Abe “Fish” Vigoda. When The Bullets reached Vigoda’s management for comment, we were told that he “isn’t dead.”



• We at The Bullets believe that we have solved the mystery of the whereabouts of little Suri Cruise, who hasn’t been seen by anyone except Leah Remini and Will & Jada Pinkett Smith since her birth. Our extensive investigation included about a half a bottle of Cuervo Black, watching House Of Wax on pay-per-view, and clicking this link. We really don’t need to explain any further, do we?



• 55 year-old Chris Storm of Amarillo, TX has won the annual Ernest Hemingway look-alike contest at Sloppy Joe’s in Key West. Two weeks ago Storm won the Los Angleles Dodger pictcher Hugh Casey look-alike contest, and he hopes to win next week’s Kurt Cobain look-alike contest, thus being the first American to win the prestigious Triple Crown Of Look-Alike-Contests Of People Who Blew Their Own Heads Off With Shotguns.



• And finally, in nerd birthday news, legendary television producer Norman Lear, creator of All In The Family, The Jeffersons, Good Times, Fernwood 2nite, and about a billion other great shows, turns 83 today. We at The Bullets would like to wish Mr. Lear all the best, and we thank him for all the great TV.

Those are The Bullets for this week, kids. We’re all very excited about the upcoming Borat flick, and are off to catch the trailer. Do join us, won’t you?

***Make Click!***

ARIES (Mar. 21—Apr. 20)
This is a bad week to have surgery, attend musical theater, eat salami or drive a European car. This is a good week to visit a homeopathic doctor, attend a poetry reading, eat pizza or drive an American car. Zealots are everywhere, so be vigilant. Your lucky oil is saffron.

TAURUS (Apr. 21–May 21)
This is a bad week to run, drive fast, time yourself, make generalized comparisons or give advice. This is a good week to get a massage, peer into the distance, give a witty reply and use a fork. If you find yourself, let us know. Your lucky oil is heartcut distillate.

GEMINI (May 22–June 21)
This is a bad week to hunt, fish, develop an action plan, sell fruit or place your trust in authority figures. This is a good week to spay or neuter your pet, sing your own praises, buy salad dressing, go to a carnival or look within yourself. Northeast is an underrated compass point. Your lucky oil is raisin seed.

CANCER (June 22–July 22)
This is a bad week to watch any movie made before 1947, wear outdated fashions, discuss James Joyce, cut your toenails or fly a helicopter. This is a good week to get to the point, fight with your neighbors, accept your limitations, get a fungus treatment or visit Latin America. There are vultures all around you. Your lucky oil is Cottonseed.

LEO (July 23—Aug. 22)
This is a bad week to use magic markers, fold paper, listen to jazz, finish your novel or have your house fumigated. This is a good week to keep yourself meticulously clean, eat whole foods, drink bottled water or go on a blind date. Functional illiteracy is not functional. Your lucky oil is tung.

VIRGO (Aug. 23–Sept. 23)
This is a bad week to wash your car, accelerate toward a yellow light, drink hard liquor, foot the bill, hand off a project or stick your neck out. This is a good week to shower frequently, face your inner demons, settle an old score or redistribute wealth. Your fan club is growing. Your lucky oil is castor.

LIBRA (Sept. 24–Oct. 23)
This is a bad week to seek venture capital funding, spring a new move on your partner, engage in a “dance off”, insult a Canadian, feel something in your gut or collect novelty pillows. This is a good week to free your mind, cast off your shackles, drink diet orange drinks, fall in love or eat a bagel. Fingers won’t sign autographs. Your lucky oil is olive.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24–Nov. 22)
This is a bad week to attend a seminar, go to a mall, climb a fence, forge a new alliance or eat fast food. This is a good week to be stern yet fair, gruff but lovable, consoling but critical and to use bags that have zippers. Go to your happy place. Your lucky oil is penetrating.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 23–Dec. 21)
This is a bad week to eat cooked berries, hold your breath, fold eggs, or to forget why you came. This is a good work to read the novels of Tom Perotta, chew your food thoroughly, invest in environmentally friendly companies and dance, dance, dance! There are at least a dozen worthwhile toppings for pizza. Your lucky oil is lanolin.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22–Jan. 20)
This is a bad week to listen to eighties pop, seventies rock and sixties folk. This is also a bad week to engage in the practice known as stipulating. This is a good week to cut crass, red tape and the crap. Beware of Spanish tile. Your lucky oil is soapstock.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 21–Feb. 19)
This is a bad week to eat cheddar jalapeno Cheetos, spend nickels, bathe with strangers, fly a jet or eat everything on your plate. This is a good week to eat corn flakes, talk to pigeons, erase whiteboards and read outdated newspapers. Do you feel like your life is a straight-to-video release? Your lucky oil is Palm Fatty Acid Distillate.

PISCES (Feb. 20–Mar. 20)
This is a bad week to read handbills, drink bottled water, diet, listen to big band music or buy a boat. This is a good week to count on your fingers, test your emotional boundaries, grill your food and establish a democracy using force. Vote early. Vote often. Your lucky oil is neatsfoot.

Attention animated DC fans:

Been wondering about the fate of JL:U? Or Teen Titans? Been itchin’ for some new Animated Superman? Well… according to our fellow nerds over at the super-groovy superherohype.com, Warner Home Video made the following statement today:

CHECK IT!

For your own safety, and the safety of others, please remember to stop jumping up and down and yelling “woo hoo” in time to refrain from passing out… 20 or 30 minutes should be enough.

HA!

PG-13, bitches!

Put THAT in your bong & smoke it Ultimate Avengers, with your G rating and your faggy lil environmentalist Thor!

I was housesitting for awhile there, and was separated from The Feed, a living, writhing, twisting hell-on-earth that I will never fully be able to explain to anyone but my fellow feedsters. But I’m back now. And just in time for things to get…

eeeenteresting.

7/23-24:

HOH:
James

NOMINATED:
Will & Jase

POWER OF VETO:
George: Used POV to save himself

• James finally won a HOH, which has been an interesting experience for both him and me. I was (and remain) worried about his loyalty to Season 6, but he’s spent his HOH time pretty well conferenced with Kaysar, and they’re making decisions (and flip flopping on them & making new ones) together. For the time being, I will feel safer in the knowledge that the snake will strike later, rather than sooner. They’re ready for it later. It’s expected.
• Marcellas is “nervousing” as much as Cowboy used to do, and it’s getting on my nerves, not to mention that it’s very unattractive. C’mon Marcy… you’re America’s gay sweetheart. Act like it. I will give you big ups, however, for your time with Janie… it’s occasionally priceless. In your very own words, “Marcellas & Janelle are in the tub together. Big Brother All Stars starts NOW.”
• George had a very bad week. Nominated. Reviled. Plus all the jedi training. He was put up by James because James hates players that just skate to the end and leave the big moves up to bolder players. And also because he was busted cold by James listening to a conversation he was having through a door. George does do that… he’s quite the lil listener. But, the Chicken Man gutted it up, and won himself the Power of veto, which he promptly used to take his ass off the block… certainly a bold move, eh, James? Bold enough to win him the respect of a few of the more hardcore players.. for the time being, anyway. His ass will be right back up there the second someone wants to make it through HOH without putting a big target on their back. And George will be missed, because from what I can see, he’s the only one that cleans anything up around there. After he’s gone it’ll just be a bunch of pretty, lazy people wandering around in their own filth.
• So. The rumors are true. Mr. & Mrs. Smith do exist. In case you’ve missed this saga, let me first say that Danielle wasn’t the person who figured it out, no matter what CBS tries to make it look like. Diane’s crazy roommate Toni called Janelle up 3 weeks before the game started and warned her that Diane & Jase were going in with a secret alliance, and that they planned to take the house apart like “Mr. & Mrs. Smith.” Everybody knew about it, and the only thing Danielle figured out is that she should shut her big mouth and kiss everyone’s ass. Which she is doing rather well, btw.

More later.

But before I go, courtesy of reealytease at youtube.com…

Translation… the game is up – “Mr. & Mrs. Smith” talk damage control:

Marcy & Janie in the red room, and Marcy’s pissed:

I’m gonna hit the highway like a battering ram
On a silver black phantom bike
When the metal is hot and The Bullets are hungry
And we’re all about to see the light
Nothing ever grows in this rotten old hole
Everything is stunted and lost
And nothing really rocks
And nothing really rolls
And nothing’s ever worth the cost
And I know that I’m damned if I never get out
And maybe I’m damned if I do…
But with every other beat I got left in my heart
You know I’d rather be damned with you

And if I gotta be damned you know I wanna be damned
Dancing through the night with you…
________________________________

The Bullets would like send a big shout-out to everyone who entered The Blow The Ending Of The New M. Night Shyamalan Movie Contest. We got so many entries that there’s no way to post them all… so after an exhaustive editing session, a couple of blenders full of Bacardi hurricanes, and a few fistfights, we’ve narrowed it down to the top 5. And here they are:

• 5: Bruce Willis is actually… a republican!
• 4: The last M. Night Shyamalan fan is heading to the theater to see The Lady In The Water, and the second to last M. Night Shyamalan fan, who is on his way home from Blockbuster with a copy of The Village, crashes into him. (Spooky, huh!)
• 3: M. Night Shyamalan rips off his mask to reveal that he is actually… EMILIO ESTEVEZ, who then climbs up into the rafters laughing maniacaly, and screaming “Wisdom doesn’t look so bad now, does it assholes!”
• 2: Mel Gibson is acutally… a fucking weirdo!!!!
• and the number one answer: The movie actually… SUCKS ASS!

Congratulations for a great winning answer, Gene Shalit! Be sure to check your paypal account for the big $10 prize! Thanks again to everyone who played, and be sure to keep an eye out for more Bullets contests, coming soon!

• The State of Arkansas has decided to pardon the mummified remains of Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards for a reckless driving charge from 1972. When The Bullets reached Richards for comment, he said, “I was in Arkansas?”



• Sixth Sense star and former male Dakota Fanning Haley Joel Osment was hospitalized today in pasadena after crashing his car into a pillar on the side of the road. Osment’s agent released a statement saying that Osment is expected to have a quick recovery, and promising that Osment’s upcoming liquor store robbery will be “much more interesting.”



• In other celebrity-car-crash news, the Donny Wahlberg of the Baldwin clan, Daniel Baldwin, crashed his car into two parked cars in LA Wednesday. Baldwin told the police that the crash was intentional, as he was doing research for his upcoming lead role in Piano Man: The Life & Times Of Billy Joel.



• In music news, Limp Bizkit frontman and professional ass-face Fred Durst announced on his MySpace page today that he’s getting married. Durst said that his bride will be a “a wonderful girl named Krista from Rhode Island” and that he “can’t wait to settle down and start raising a whole new generation of talentless little douchebags with shitty goatees & backwards baseball caps.”



• Abbott Laboratories has announced that they have created a new test that both screens for and confirms the presence of Hepatitis B in patients. In a related story, Kid Rock and Pamela Anderson have announced that they are finally getting married at the end of the month… and The Bullets has found the perfect wedding gift for the happy couple.



• Kate Hudson won undisclosed damages in a libel suit against The UK Enquirer, the british tabloid that said she was endangering her health by deliberately starving herself. The Bullets would just like to take this opportunity to say that we think Kate looks great. And her hubby Chris Robinson of the Black Crows. He looks great, too. And Kurt & Goldie. Really. Everyone looks fine.



• According to TMZ.com, you can now purchase erotic blow-up dolls in the likenesses of Christina Aguilera, Paris Hilton, and Pamela Anderson. No word yet on where to get the little inflatable pennicillin shot.



• And in Nerd birthday news, Kim Carnes turned 61 years young today. Don’t let anyone give you any shit, baby… no matter what happens, you OWN 1981

Those are The Bullets for this week, kids. We’re knocking off early to do a Kevin Smith marathon in anticipation of seeing Clerks II tomorrow night. Join us, won’t you? Here, we’ll get ya started:

ARIES (Mar. 21—Apr. 20)
Check the wind
Take stock of yourself
Turn around and say a blessing
You are happy to be alive
You are happy to be where you are
Breathe
Love
Allow sense to drive you

TAURUS (Apr. 21–May 21)
You have come from the mountain
The walk has been slow but pleasant
You are looking at the animals
You see them all round you
They allow you into their party
Let them guide you

GEMINI (May 22–June 21)
The cave stretches into darkness
You hold your hand against the side
To track your path inward
You feel life move around you
Small and blind
But sure of where it is
You will get lost
Before you find your way out
Finding ourselves when we are lost
Defines us

CANCER (June 22–July 22)
The past surrounds you like morning
On a cold wet day
The ground absorbs your steps
The path drops and winds
You must find your way home

LEO (July 23—Aug. 22)
The croak of the frog
The grunt of the pig
The whisper of the trees
As you pass under them
Listen to the world
As it talks to you

VIRGO (Aug. 23–Sept. 23)
The candles burn dimly
Every shadow finds an ally
Darkness is not your enemy
Fear of darkness is what haunts you
Close your eyes
See what you need to see

LIBRA (Sept. 24–Oct. 23)
Watch the Sunset
Speak into the wind
Bless the end of the day
Embrace the night
Feel the world change
And accept all that comes

SCORPIO (Oct. 24–Nov. 22)
Never forget who you are
And everything that made you
Memory and love dance as partners
Each step moves you closer
To the life you want to lead
And the partner you seek

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 23–Dec. 21)
The rain and the butterfly
Fall and fly
Drops on a tree
Wings in the spaces between
Every color comes alive
Then comes apart
Follow the colors
Fall and fly

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22–Jan. 20)
You are the fish in the cold stream
Hiding behind a good round stone
Waiting for the next bigger rock
To seek safety behind
Swim out into the unknown stream
Embrace the flow of the water
Avoid every stone you see

AQUARIUS (Jan. 21–Feb. 19)
Feel the rhythm of your pulse
Let the beat guide your breath
Close your eyes and rest
It is time to let go
You need to look deeper
Inside

PISCES (Feb. 20–Mar. 20)
Lay on your back
Watch the moon cross the stars
Watch over the stars as they align themselves
Feel the breeze against your face
Feel the ground underneath you
Connect yourself to the world

Google has finally seen fit to rank our site. The home page is a four-out-of-ten. For those of you who know about such things, that places us dead even with most debt consolidation sites. We figure this isn’t too bad a rank for a four-month-old site with no advertising and a morbid fascination with pop culture. Last I checked, we were the only site on the Internet about pop culture, but I’m sure it will catch on. Remember, shop smart, shop Just Us Nerds. Oh, thats right . . . we have nothing worth selling. Well, carry on then.

Nothing matches the glory and the pagentry of the few hours leading up to a Big Brother live telecast. The preening… the primping… the pumping… it’s like a documentary about animals mating on The Discovery Channel. And then there’s the “Hi Julie!” and “Thanks Julie” of the HG’s in the living room. Hurricaine Howie even had a “Thanks Julie!” T-shirt on. And everything’s hunky dory, and everyone’s pals… until we start to peel the layers.

But invariably, what the producers decide to show you in the telecasts is seldom, if ever, the whole story. Following each BB7 telecast this season, join me here, and we’ll try to separate fact from fiction… lies from half-truths… and Howie from Dr. Will!

7/12:

EVICTED:
Alison

HOH:
Kaysar

The feed continues…

• Aside from all the usual bullshit created CBS drama (that you can stop from entering your head by having the feeds, BTW) another pretty decent representation of actual events in a CBS telecast.
• The one aspect we feedsters miss is the Diary Room entries. It was nice to see James seem pretty solid with his fellow BB6ers in the DR, since his DR entries last year were very candid. You still never take your eyes off him, but maybe he’s OK for at least a few weeks.
• Dani crying in the DR about made me puke my guts out. The shit people said about you after BB3 weren’t lies. You’re a cold hearted, backstabbing bitch, and you can’t climb into the DR and bawl, and tearfully claim that you aren’t, because we’ve all SEEN IT. You should go next, bitch… but there may be bigger fish to fry. Just don’t think anyone’s gonna fall for the Saint Dani routine & let you skate to the final 2 again. You’re fucking gone, Dani… sooner rather than later. But don’t take my word for it. Just ask Marcellas. And Erika!
• Ali goes bye-bye, just like we all knew was going to happen. Boogie’s “I tried to save you, but the tide turned at the last minute” crapola is such a buch of shite… Boogie won’t pee if Dr. Will doesn’t let him, even if it means his kidneys explode. And Dr. Will wanted Ali gone tonight, no matter what the telecast tried to make you believe… if for no other reason that Ali was distracting Howie from him. One less set of boobies in the way.
• Nice focus on Jase tonight, and most of it very true. I hated his fucking guts last time, and still doubt the “America voted him in” thing… but if CBS fudged it, I’m kinda glad they did, because he’s gold this year. More mature like Julie said, but he’s also more personable, without having lost his edge. And his cocky but true candidness in both the DR, and the live interviews with the Chenbot will go along way in making this season more watchable once the house finally polarizes.
• Erika’s final message to Ali after her eviction, and Ali’s reaction to it was, in this BB fan’s eyes, amazing. In the words of Jerry Maguire, we live in a world of tough competitiors. It’s why I like this reality show the best, and have pledged myself to it above all others. This show is purely, plainly, and simply about fucking over everyone else to win. There’s no pretense of tribes, or teams, or any of that shit. Consequently, truly emotional moments are at a premium. And we got one tonight. Ali was the reason Erika got evicted last time around, and it wasn’t pretty. But tonight, Erika cried during her final mesasage to Ali, and talked about how maybe she thought she could somehow “get her back” (they were friends once upon a time). And Ali was stunned… and she appreciated it. Anyway… in a show filled woth lies & backstabbing, and scorched-earth techniques, it was truly a very nice moment.
• Janie played dumb in the one-on-one with the Chenbot… and there’s still no one who plays dumb better. Even among the All-Stars… who should know better… I swear she’s STILL gonna get a couple with that act. I love you, Janie!!!!
• CBS producers… I’m only gonna say this once… and then a million more times until you do it… WE WANT MORE WILL & HOWIE. Seriously kids.. who’s working who in this relationship?
• Wow. 8 to 2. I seriously didn’t think anyone would be SO fucking stupid to fall for all the “we really want to keep Ali so she can take out Janie” horse shit that’s been flying around all week… wait… ooooh yeeeeeaaaah… NAKOMIS & DIANE!!!!!! Congratulations, morons!!!! you’re the proud winners of these two brand new targets, and they’re ON YOUR BACKS!



• I liked the “Alison Rules” aspect of the HOH comp… It was certainly more interesting than the usual Q & A competitions. Julie gave everyone in the entire BB universe wet pants with her flub, accidentally naming Nakomis winner instead of Kaysar… sorry Nik!!! Oh well, at least she heard her name called once before she goes away. Eh, maybe I’m wrong. Maybe the Big Brother All Stars, the finest, craftiest, strongest, and most storied players to ever play the game, will allow the inventor of the Six Finger Strategy to stick around as long as she likes. Yeah, ya know what pal? Pull this leg and it plays Jingle Bells.
• OK, my heart is pretty much on my sleeve… Janie’s my girl. I was happy as fucking HELL that Kaysar won the HOH, because it assures my lil Janie some safety for awhile, and also takes the target off of her a little bit… but someone really should have talked to Howie beforehand about the celebration, should one of them win. The last thing they needed was a big, alienating display of unity that would piss off the rest of the house even MORE… and that’s exactly what Hurricane Howie gave them.
• All bets are off, kids… King Kaysar is in charge this week… and he’s learned more than one or two lessons. The shit starts here.

more soon.

For a nice example of what you miss by not having the feeds… here’s the real reason why Dani had Chicken George’s vote tonight. Courtesy thatdingo’s Hamsterwatch (my favorite BB site). Enjoy…

So…
So you think you can tell
Heaven from Hell?
Blue skies from pain?
Can you tell a green field
from a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?

And did they get you to trade your heroes for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees… hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
And did you exchange a walk-on part in the war
For a lead role in a cage?

How I wish… how I wish you were here
We’re just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl,
year after year
Running over the same old ground, what have we found?
The same old fears… I wish that you were here
_________________________

Well, kids, we’ve been pouring over all your entries for the latest T-Shirt Picture Contest. We got tons of great pictures this week, and voting was tight… but after much deliberation, The Bullets are pleased to announce the winner:

That’s right, it’s Desmond Tutu! Congratulations, Archbishop, and thanks for the great pic! Don’t forget to check your paypal account for the big $10 prize!

And for all you losers… wow, that didn’t quite come out right…

The Bullets are overjoyed to announce our next contest, the Blow The Twist Ending Of The Next M. Night Shyamalan movie contest!

Watch the trailers, then send us what you think will be the BIG TWIST at the end of the new M. Night Shyamalan flick, The Lady In Water.

Please don’t participate in the contest if you’ve read an actual spoiler, or have seen an actual script.

The Bullets would like to be the first to play.

Our answer?

“The people who live in the hotel are trying to protect the mermaid from the evil wolf… but the wolf is actually trying to save the people who live in the hotel from the MERMAID!”

Be sure to send your blown M. Night Shyamalan twist to thebullets.justusnerds@gmail.com

The winner will recieve 10 bucks, have their name posted on our website, and be the lucky new owner of my slightly used copy of Unbreakable!

• In pretentious rock star news, Pearl Jam’s Eddie Veder has announed that the band will donate $100,000 to various groups that fight global warming in an effort to offset the carbon dioxide emissions produced by the vehicles used in their current tour. In a related story, organizers of the Vans Warped Tour will provide 75 foot-tall cans of lysol, to be sprayed over the site of each tour stop after they leave.



• Two historians who attempted to sue the publishers of The Da Vinci Code for plagarism and lost have announce they plan to appeal the verdict. A spokesman for the the pair stated that they also plan legal action to prove that they figured out Blue’s Clues, shot Liberty Valance, framed Roger Rabbit, came back to the 5 & Dime Jimmy Dean Jimmy Dean, and did, in fact, put the “bomp” in the “bomp-shoo-bomp-shoo-bomp.”



• The Dominican Republic won’t be showing Pirates Of The Carribean: Dead Man’s Chest, even though a large portion of the blockbuster sequel was filmed there. When reached by The Bullets for comment, the Dominican Republic told us that the only theater on the island has a leaky roof, and won’t be open in time to screen the movie. They then added, “And anyway, didn’t you see the first one? Man… that thing just kept on going, didn’t it?”



• Legendary author John Steinbeck’s son, Thomas, has won a court case over the publishing rights to his father’s works. Thomas, an author himself, announced the news at the first signing of his new novel Cannery Row 2: The Wrath Of Lee Chong.



• Overplayed Las Vegas rock band & future where are they now file residents The Killers have announced that they will release their new single on September 18th, and their new album on October 2nd. Fans who don’t want to wait that long can just put in their old album, or better yet just turn on their local crappy alternative radio station, because they’re all still playing them all fucking day long.



• And here’s a bit of fun: When producer Mark Burnett, CBS, Tommy Lee, Gliby Clarke, and Jason Newstead all got together and came up with RockStar: Supernova, not only did they fail to catch the fact that the whole thing was a bad idea, they also apparently failed to check if there was already a band named “Supernova.” Well, as any hardcore Kevin Smith fan can tell you (they did the song “Chewbacca” on the Clerks soundtrack), there is. And they are suing everybody. The TV show also faces other legal problems, including the assault charges Tommy Lee’s nasal pasages and penis have filed against him, Brett Michaels suing Gilby Clarke to get his cowboy hat back, and Metallica suing just because everyone else is, and it looks like fun.



• MTV’s The Real World: Key West drama queen, and one of Anorexia! magazine’s “50 Sexiest Skeletal Frames” Paula Ann Meronek has finally decided to have a bite of something. Unfortunately, it was her boyfriend, and she has been charged with assault. And they say these kids from MTV reality shows never amount to anything.



• Lindsay Lohan has become the newest celebrity spokesperson for Proactiv Solution acne medication. The Bullets wondered why the tabloids & the papparazzi were all over lil Lindsay for all her car crashes & bad behavior, but never once mentioned her acne problem. When we reached them for comment, they said, “Well… we just kinda figured her bad skin was from all the drinking and drugs.”



• Music legend, poet of a generation, and rebel icon Bob Dylan is having his songs turned into a Broadway musical, choreographed by Twyla Tharp. Previews of the new show begin Sept. 25 at the Brooks Atkinson Theater. tickets will be available for purchace at the theater box-office, Ticketmaster, or you can probably buy them on ebay, along with his artistic integrity, his last shred of human dignity, and who knows, maybe even a gallstone or two.

As acknowledged by my fellow nerds on the site (Quickdog in his excellent post Shine On You Crazy Diamond, and J.C. in his amazing Horoscope for 7/12 to 7/18) we nerds, most importantly Roger Waters, lost a friend recently. This most excellent & haunting tribute is courtesy nimrod546 at youtube.com. See you on the dark side of the moon, Syd.

We are well into the summer blockbuster season, and it is clear that Hollywood is out of ideas. Every movie looks like another. We’ve got sequels, prequels, remakes and rehashes. Lets face it, Hollywood loves what Hollywood knows. That said, I have decided to come up with a few movie proposals of my own. Sure, they steal from existing movies, but at least they do it in new and exciting ways.

Title: Dead Drunk
High Concept: It’s Cocktail Meets Evil Dead
25 Words or Less: A jet set bartender pours drinks, beds rich women and battles the undead as he parties his way from the Bahamas to Manhattan.
Shyamalan Twist Ending: The bartender was undead the whole time!
Tagline: When he pours, he reins . . . zombies!

Title: A Beautiful Day Off
High Concept: It’s Ferris Bueller’s Day Off meets A Beautiful Mind
25 Words or Less: A schizophrenic genius and his two friends escape from a mental ward and roam Chicago, singing in parades and solving advanced math problems.
Shyamalan Twist Ending: His two friends are imaginary!
Tagline: You’ve got to be crazy not to take a day off!

Title: A Yard of Their Own
High Concept: It’s The Longest Yard meets A League of Their Own
25 Words or Less: When ace pitcher Candy Newton gets busted, she puts together a team to take on the guards in a no-holds-barred strip softball game.
Shyamalan Twist Ending: The pitcher and the warden are sisters!
Tagline: Whips, chains, gloves and balls!

Title: The Usual Americans
High Concept: It’s The Usual Suspects meets American Beauty
25 Words or Less: Five middle-aged men quit their jobs and pull off a series of crimes in order to impress a fifteen-year-old cheerleader.
Shyamalan Twist Ending: The cheerleader is really an Armenian mobster.
Tagline: Five men. One girl. Look closer.

Title: Terminal Bravery
High Concept: It’s The Terminator meets Braveheart
25 Words or Less: A soldier from the distant future goes back in time to stop a cyborg from leading rogue Scottish clans to victory against England.
Shyamalan Twist Ending: The cyborg was built by Scotsmen!
Tagline: No pain. No fear. Just Freedom.

Title: Another Sunrise
High Concept: It’s Before Sunrise meets Groundhog Day
25 Words or Less: A young man and woman are forced to repeat the same romantic night in Vienna over and over again.
Shyamalan Twist Ending: When they finally reach the next day, the woman gets hit by a train and dies.
Tagline: They had one night to fall in love, again and again!

Title: The Short Line
High Concept: It’s The Station Agent meets Walk the Line meets The Crying Game
25 Words or Less: A midget rockabilly guitarist inherits a deserted train station where he learns about life, love, and hot dogs from the ghost of June Carter Cash.
Shyamalan Twist Ending: The ghost turns out to be Jerry Lee Lewis in drag!
Tagline: Sing at your own risk!

Title: Dark Nemo
High Concept: It’s Finding Nemo meets Donnie Darko
25 Words or Less: After narrowly escaping a bizarre boating accident, a troubled teenager is plagued by visions of a nervous clownfish that manipulates him into swimming to Australia.
Shyamalan Twist Ending: The clown fish is actually a fellow classmate on a chum run!
Tagline: Life is one big insane ocean. Some people just swim better.

ARIES (Mar. 21—Apr. 20)
You are driving through town listening to old mix tapes. You drive by your old house, the one your parents sold before they bought the new house that you don’t like so much. The house is deserted and there is garbage on the lawn. This makes you amazingly uncomfortable and you speed up to pass it. You think about putting the top up on the car because your head is getting so hot that you there is a fire getting started somewhere near your brain. You try to think of a reason to go home or a friend that you could stand to be with for more than five minutes but you can’t so you just keep driving. Your lucky Pink Floyd Album is Obscured by Clouds.

TAURUS (Apr. 21–May 21)
You are lying on an unfamiliar bed filled with stuffed animals. You vaguely remember a club and a girl, or was it a boy? Sometimes they look the same at these clubs. You grab one of the stuffed animals. You hate how soft it feels and you feel the need to twist its fuzzy little head off. Just as the stuffing starts to fall out you hear a short squeal of panic come from across the room. Your lucky Pink Floyd Album is Saucerful of Secrets.

GEMINI (May 22–June 21)
Your workout routine is the stuff of legends. You start with two hundred ab crunches, then run five miles on the machine. You follow that up with a hundred push-ups and then you hit the bicycle for a half hour. As you exercise you listen to Bruce Springsteen’s “Born in the USA”. The lyrics, about the hard lives of working class men, inspire you to sweat. After it’s done you take a cool shower and get a massage. This is what gets you ready for your day. The office awaits. Your lucky Pink Floyd Album is The Piper At The Gates of Dawn.

CANCER (June 22–July 22)
You walk through the open door into the condo. You’re carrying an envelope stuffed with money and you are more than a little nervous because you have never met here before. A fresh blond boy you think you remember seeing at a club the other day is lying asleep on the couch. On the TV a band you don’t recognize is screaming about death and dark matter and the way of the gun. You want to turn around. You want to run. Most of all, you want to exchange your money for a few days supply of fun. Your lucky Pink Floyd Album is The Final Cut.

LEO (July 23—Aug. 22)
You don’t like the way maitre d’ looks at you as you approach. You want him to know how rich and important you are but you know he doesn’t care. Nobody poor comes through these doors. Nobody nice comes through these doors. Every person here is more important to you and even if they aren’t they are already seated. You have to get through. To be turned way would crush every iota of your being into paste. That can’t happen. Your lucky Pink Floyd Album is Relics.

VIRGO (Aug. 23–Sept. 23)
You admire the reflection you make in the store windows as you walk down the street in your Armani overcoat. Your mouth has a dull metallic taste from the long hard flossing you gave yourself after breakfast. You notice the glances of the people on the street as they see how resplendent you are. Everything comes together for the perfect look. Today you truly exist. Your lucky Pink Floyd Album is Dark Side of The Moon.

LIBRA (Sept. 24–Oct. 23)
You don’t want to take any calls today. You don’t want to deal with the cautionary tales of your co-workers’ most recent hookups. You don’t want to think about what restaurant you are going to end up at tonight. You just want to exist without thought. You want to fade into the background. Fade. Your lucky Pink Floyd Album is The Wall.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24–Nov. 22)
You’ve taken yet another anonymous job at a faceless company that makes nothing you know or understand. You sit at the computer and when the phone rings you try to say something intelligent to the voice of a person who will never see you and who won’t remember your name six seconds after you give it. You test yourself by multiplying and dividing seven digit numbers in your head. You are still sharp. You are still waiting for your moment. What can you do to help? Your lucky Pink Floyd Album is Ummagumma.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 23–Dec. 21)
You can’t believe that first class doesn’t have any tequila better than Patron. Patron went downhill hears ago and everyone knows it. To serve it in first class is a cruel and empty gesture. You know not to expect the best, but Don Julio or Don Eduardo or even Cazadores would have saved the day. As it is, you settle for whisky like some outdated provincial from Omaha. Can this trip get any worse? Your lucky Pink Floyd Album is Wish You Were Here.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22–Jan. 20)
You reluctantly answer the phone. Jamie is pissed and says you forgot to meet him at End Times. You are pretty sure you never had any such agreement, but you apologize anyway. You tell him you were stuck at the tanning spa, which he believes because that is exactly where he would be too. He tells you to come by his house later – that he’s got a welcome home gift. You are pretty sure that this gift will cost you money, but you say sure. What else can you do? Your lucky Pink Floyd Album is Animals.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 21–Feb. 19)
You sit in the slick leather chair at your therapist’s office and tell her about the dream you had last night. You are making it up as you go along. There is something about a coyote that gets run over by a Ferrari in the middle of a dust storm and then you are lost in a dark desert and you have no shoes. You start to cry as you relate this part of your fictional dream. The therapist tells you she wants you to try hypnosis with you. You laugh but pretend to keep crying. Your lucky Pink Floyd Album is Meddle.

PISCES (Feb. 20–Mar. 20)
You are lying at the bottom of an empty pool behind a deserted house. There are no stars or clouds to look at, just the blank orangish darkness of the city. The pool smells of mold, but you can’t deny the privacy. You are as alone as you have ever hoped to be. You cannot ever picture leaving. Your lucky Pink Floyd Album is Atom Heart Mother.

I just learned today that Syd Barrett, co-founder of The Pink Floyd Sound, died July 7 from complications arising from diabetes. He was 60. Syd was responsible for such early Pink Floyd hits as See Emily Play, Arnold Layne, Astronomy Domine, and Interstellar Overdrive. His psychedelic melodies made The Pink Floyd Sound (later named Pink Floyd) one of the most influential bands in the London underground in the mid to late 60’s.

Pink Floyd made a very big impression on this nerd during my formative high school years. But it wasn’t until I got a little older that I really got into the early Pink Floyd / Syd Barrett stuff. Even though the music was somewhat dated by my college years, it still made a huge impact on me. He co-founded one of rock music’s greatest bands but it was his own personal struggles with LSD and other drugs that ultimately led to his departure from the group. A young David Gilmore was brought in shortly before Syd’s departure but the five-man group never played together. Roger Waters later immortalized Barrett on the Pink Floyd album “Wish You Were Here” in the song “Shine On You Crazy Diamond.”

He influenced a lot of musicians during his short but brilliant career and he will me missed. It’s time to Set Your Controls for the Heart of the Sun. Shine on you crazy diamond…and rest in peace.

It’s almost too much to try to do a breakdown on house events for the last few days… with voting right around the corner, activity is fast and furious, and with so many HGs, it seems there’s enough new 2-person alliances, false-start alliances, half-truths, and out-and-out lies to fucking choke a tarrantula. But invariably, what the producers decide to show you in the telecasts is seldom, if ever, the whole story. Following each BB7 telecast this season, join me here, and we’ll try to separate fact from fiction… lies from half-truths… and Janie from the fucking refrigerator (Jeez Louise, girl!!!)

7/11:

HOH:
Janelle & Jase (co-HOH’s)

NOMINATED:
Alison & Danielle

POWER OF VETO:
Janelle
Power Of Veto: Not used

• A pretty good wrap-up of current events by CBS this week… Last year by this time they had already jumped the gun by making Cappy & his crew look like heroes, and they couldn’t back down from it without looking like assholes. They may have learned a lesson there… or at the very least they just haven’t picked people to cast in various roles yet.
• We got a look at the Will/Howie dynamic tonight, but not nearly as much time was spent on it as it deserves… these two are on each other constantly, and I kept waiting for it to not be funny anymore, but it still is. Kinda like Howie last year… he grows on you.
• There was the usual bullshit CBS-created drama tonight, showing Janie looking like she’s not sure who she wants to go, everyone saying they don’t know who they want to go, Dani saying she thinks she’ll be the one to go… That’s fucking crock. Ali’s gotten rather ugly in the last day or so, and pretty much everyone is in agreement on her leaving. I was starting to like having her around, but she crossed the line for me tonight. She called Janelle “Busto” right there on TV. If you’re new to this, that was Howie’s name for a disgusting, cretinous, functionally retarded, trailer trash K-Mart queen from Season 6. Janie may be alot of things… but never compare her to April. Bye bye, bitch.
• Back to Dani… It irks me that we can’t lose Dani this week. I know Ali’s the smart play, but I’m sick of everyone (herself included) talking about what a “smart player” Dani is. So she’s never been nominated. Big fucking deal. She never opened her repugnant mouth in BB3, except to trash everyone in the diary room (which is why she’s universaly despised by the BB3ers). Did she ever win a single competition? She latched on to a stronger, more well-liked player & was dragged to the end by him, where she LOST. There. I said it. She really deserves to go home Thursday. The first time she opens up her stupid mouth, and it backfired on her soooo spectaculary… it was truly beautiful. But she won’t make that mistake again, so when she stays, she becomes a threat to go stealth again. Grrr… I wanna double-eviction.
• I try to keep Diane offa my radar, and my feeds, just because every time I look at her I feel like I need to take a shower. Seriously… ick. But she’s getting hard to ignore, working everyone in sight, and telling them anything that comes to mind about anyone. She and Nakomis seem to have something starting up that might be a real alliance
• Likewise Erika & Marcellas. They seem pretty tight. The descision of whom to evict thursday is causing some tension, but I don’t think enough to splt ‘em. It makes me sad that Marcellas is so actively against my BB6 pals… but I feel better knowing that he at least wants to save at my Janie while he’s at it. And, just like in BB3, I have a feeling that sentimentality will be his undoing, whether he says he’s learned his lesson or not.
• The BB6ers are not in a good position right now. Janie got HOH first (no one’s really buying that Jase is with her or the BB6ers, so he’s a non factor as co-HOH this week, imho) & she won the veto first, establishing herself as the biggest target, even though she was already the biggest target. And the BB6ers are viewed as a rock-solid alliance, and therefore under attack from everyone else in the house… the problem is, they’re not rock solid. Howie let Maggot manipulate him into puting James & Sara on the block last year, and Sara went home because of it. You know that’s a thorn in James’ side. Plus, Kaysar & Janie are oddly distant to each other. I hope that it’s just gamesmanship, and I know it probably is, but it still makes me nervous. Will is on the right track. Go at the BB6ers through Howie, and you could conceivably tumble the whole thing down. I just call ‘em like I see ‘em BB Fans.

Quote of the week:
Will (imitating the Big Brother House voice): “Howie, please stop being so fucking fat.”

More later…

Jase, Will, & Boogie, discovering what the rest of us already know about my lil Janie, courtesy of therealdeal:

The Emmy nominations are out this week. As usually, plenty of great shows and people got snubbed. I’m not going to spend my time belittling the ones who did get in (West Wing Again? Are you kidding me?) but I do want make a list of the top people and shows that were NOT nominated this Year.

Outstanding Drama Series:
The Shield
Everwood
CSI
Lost

Outstanding Comedy Series:
My Name is Earl
Reno 911
Entourage

Outstanding Lead Actor In A Comedy Series
Jason Lee – My Name is Earl
Zack Braff – Scrubs
Jason Bateman – Arrested Development

Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Comedy Series
Ethan Suplee – My Name is Earl
John C. McGinley – Scrubs
Donald Faison – Scrubs
Neil Patrick Harris – How I Met Your Mother
David Cross – Arrested Development
John Krasinski — The Office

Outstanding Supporting/Lead Actress in a Comedy
Jenna Fischer – The Office
Alyson Hannigan – How I Met Your Mother
Kerri Kenney – Reno 911
I’m supposed to put the Desperate Housewives here, but that show does nothing for me. As for Lauren Graham, she is a good actress but Gilmore Girls is far to annoying for me to watch so I have no idea how good she was this year.

Outstanding Lead Actor in a Dramatic Series
Hugh Laurie – House
Michael Chicklis – The Shield
Treat Williams – Everwood
William Peterson – CSI
Matthew Fox – Lost

Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Dramatic Series
Josh Holloway – Lost
Daniel Dae Kim – Lost
Jay Karnes – The Shield
Michael Weatherly – NCIS
Kenny Johnson – The Shield

Outstanding Lead/Supporting Actress in a Dramatic Series
Evangeline Lilly – Lost
CCH Pounder – The Shield

Outstanding Guest Star in a Dramatic Series
Forrest Whitaker – The Shield

I can’t believe how late these fuckers stay up, considering nothing’s happening yet. Alison has her back up against a wall, since it’s obvious she’s the intended evictee… but she’s barely even campaining. Howie’s antics are always amusing, albeit a bit played out by now… even Erika has said “you need some new material, Howie.” And sure, we like to see the chicks in their bikinis… but the real star of this show so far is Dr. Will.
7/08:

HOH:
Janelle & Jase (co-HOH’s)

NOMINATED:
Alison & Danielle

POWER OF VETO:
Janelle

The Feed never sleeps… and neither do I, while it’s on.

BB7 Quote of the day:

Janie: You aren’t going to flip, are you?
James: No. Howie didnt know how to play last year, now he has brains

• Feed watchers agree that we miss the fish. Last year, when there was something that CBS didn’t want us to see, the feeds switched to a camera inside the fish tank, and we got to see the fishies live, and we heard bubbles. This year, we hear the horrible newe BB theme, and we see billowing flames. I miss the fish. And I’m not alone.
• The girls all joined together and made dinner.
• We heard the sound of a plane flying. Jase, outside in the back yard, looks up & says, “Skywriting!” Will looks up and confirms, “Yeah, there’s skywriting!” CBS immediately cuts the feeds. The feeds remained cut for quite awhile…
• Later this evening, Will is called to the diary room… when he returns, he makes intimations that BB chsatized him for talking about the skywriting, and that he’s “not allowed to talk about anything anymore.”
• Howie, obviously referencing his rant against April ( Busto) last season, says that he will “verbally assault” anyone who comes after him for percieved ‘personal reasons’.”
• Howie jumped the gun completely and named the supposed new alliance (him, Janie, Kaysar, James, Erika, and Marcellas) “the Jedi Council.”
• Will is giving Janie sleeping pills :
  Janie: “I hate to keep asking you”
  Will: “It’s fine… how many did you take last night, 1 or 2?
  Janie: “2″
  Will: “I’m gonna take 2 tonight”
• Jase, James & Marcellas have named the tarrantulas. The little one is Cowboy. The others are Monica, Ivette and Lisa. Janie wants to name the hairiest one Bunky.
• James said that had he won the HOH, he would have been “The biggest asshole anyone has ever seen.” I guess he forgot that last year he was already the biggest asshole anyone has ever seen.
• Nakomis & Dani chat for awhile… the biggest/best BB truth they uncover? “A Big Brother day is like a week in the real world.” Yeah… think how long it feels for us feedsters.
• Diane said that “she slept too much” during her original season on BB. Every person in the entire universe who ever saw her season bit their tounges & thought “You slept with DREW too much during your original season… and the handjobs probably didn’t hurt.
• Janelle & Dani finally agreed on something… that they needed more wine. They then went on an intensive search of the pantry for more.
• Evil Ali lived up to her much ballyhooed nickname by eating all the cashews out of the mixed nuts. Seriuosly, if shit doesn’t start to happen soon I’m gonna plunge these chopsticks through my eyes & into my brain.
• Boogie talked about how he used to be fat when he was a kid. No one really bought it… I think if there were some lizards around they might have been impressed.
• Howie finally spilled the beans about having a sister (Ashley) and Will wasted no time in ripping into Howie about her… particularly how he’d bang her, and how much she’d like it. Howie, knowing when he’s been bested, gave the round to Will.
• Janie has said aloud that the “getting to know you” stage should be over, and that it’s boring. Good call, Janie. I knew there was this reason to love you, along with the twenty-thousand others.
• One of the most intersting aspects of the “All Star” concept so far has been the houseguests discussing the mechanics of their lives after BB. Like Kaysar & James talking about the changing fortunes of their various websites.
• Marcellas described his relationship with Amy, post-BB, and it was kinda sad to hear… I liked having Marcellas & Amy together forever in my head.

Courtesy of therealdeal2006:

Janie…

Alison…

Diane decides to remind us exactly how stupid she is when James tries to use the word “relative” in a conversation with her. And she’s picking her armpit, too. Niiiiiiiiice.

More later.

By this time last year things had already started to get nasty. This year, however… we’re still on the honeymoon. It’s that fun time when everyone is working out, discussing how they’re going to work out, who they’re gonna work out with (“You gonna work abs tomorrow? Me too, I could work abs tomorrow.”). But it won’t be long before everyone starts blowing it off, and they either just eat all the time and get fat, or they don’t eat anything at all and start withering away.

7/08:

HOH:
Janelle & Jase (co-HOH’s)

NOMINATED:
Alison & Danielle

POWER OF VETO:
Janelle

And The feed rolls on…

• Another late night last night, but still nothing juicy happening.
• We started with a chess match/strategy discusion with Janelle & Kaysar, and that was nice… just like the BB6 good old days. Nothing earth-shattering discussed, mainly Kaysar warning Janie about trusting people too much too soon, a timely topic, since Janie obvioulsy wants to take Marcellas & Erika into the BB6ers’ fold. I’m not sure how good an idea this is… need more input. I’m pretty sure Marcellas can be trusted, but he’s also the owner of the biggest fuck-up in BB history, so do you really want him around? As for Erika, she’s a cypher.
• Janie won the Veto, and the competition was apparently pretty physical, as she had hurt her leg. She was icing it down off and on all night… it actually did look a little swollen, but she was asked several times if she wanted some Advil, and she said no, so who knows how hurt she really is. She isn’t above a little manufactured drama to see how people respond to her…Ali was very helpful, but Janie obviously wasn’t buying it. One thing is certain: her & Jase’s nominations will stand.
• Danielle was pretty chummy with everyone for most of the night, even Marcellas, which is odd. She’s way to comfortable for someone who’s on the block, but she’s got good reason, I guess, as it looks like the prevailing wind is to blow Alison out her ass… she’s seen as a threat, and a schemer, and a tramp, all of which she is, which is why she’s such good television. Dani has somehow managed to become more boring since her season, and I’d much rather see the door swing for her & keep Evil Ali around awhile.
• There was a food competition yesterday as well, and it was obviously pretty disgusting, as Ali was talking about squeegeeing squid guts out of the shower, and Will said Howie’s breath still smelled like “hot garbage” clearly a reference to his having ate something gross.
• They won the food comp though, as Howie busted out the ice cream & everyone had some, sharing spoons & bowls in a very nice moment… Howie was hitting on everyone (even Marcellas), Boogie actually seemed somewhat human for a few minutes, and Erika may have actually digested some food.
• The rest of the night was mostly the gang hanging out in the hot tub & by the fire acting nice & cozy, which is still pretty gag-inducing… Jase & Dani discovering that they both take thyroid medication… lame discussions about pop culture & movies… Dr. Will’s foolproof ways to make money on the internet… Seriously… bleah.
• The night ended with Dani in bed, totally obsessed with food for some reason, unable to talk about anything else, wondering about dinner tonight. Apparently it’s salmon.
• Hopefully things will get ugly soon, because I can’t take a whole summer of this.

More to come…

It has arrived. The thing that brings to light my most shameful addiction… the full moon to my Larry Talbot… the Big Brother Live Feed. Remember Hamster watchers… I watch the feeds until my eyes boil out of my head… my work suffers, and my personal relationships plunge down the shitter… ALL FOR YOU!!! So be sure to join me here for recaps, gossip, things I spotted, and once I find a good screen capping program that’ll fit on my crappy computer, screen caps & vid.

Remember: The real story is on the feeds.

7/06:

HOH:
Janelle & Jase (co-HOH’s)

NOMINATED:
Alison & Danielle

• A late night tonight, with none of the houseguests asleep and it’s after 1. It’s still early, so nothing juicy’s happening. Like last year, it should be at least a day before shit starts hitting the fan… everyone’s still on their best behavior trying to feel their way around.
• Lots of friendly and BORING chit chat in the hot tub (except when Howie talked boobies) & the kitchen, mostly about how the different seasons have worked & wondering what else will be different this year.
• First Erika shower (niiiice!).
• Dr. Will is spending alot of time with Kaysar, obviously sizing him up… Kaysar isn’t biting.
• As expected, James is really working the crowd, spending face time with virtually everyone.
• Marcellas seems cranky… maybe still a lil peeved that he wasn’t voted in by the audience.
• Jase is openly discussing his showbiz “carreer” unlike last time. Jase & Nakomis were left alone together by the hot tub, and they talked strategy a bit, reaffirming their intentions to move on the Season Sixers, but unsure of who to align with. It’s obvious that they don’t particularly like each other, and that makes their time together really awkward… probably not the best alliance in BB history here.
• Marcellas & Erika are hanging out with Janie in the HOH room quite a bit… remeber kids, Ali got Erika kicked out in their season, and there has never been much love lost between Marcellas & Dani, so Janie & Jase’s noms put them right in line for an alliance.
• Ali & Dani are stinging from their noms, and trying to regroup… it may be too late for one of them, and it’s probably Dani.

More later.

“How did you know which one was gonna to shoot first?”

“Well, that one in the center, he had a flap holster and he was in no itchin’ hurry. And the one second from the left, he had scared eyes… he wasn’t gonna do nothin’. But that one on the far left… he had The Thursday Night Bullet Points. Figured him to make the first move.”

The Bullets would like to announce our next T-Shirt Picture contest. To enter, just send us a picture of yourself in this t-shirt. As always, the winner will recieve 10 dollars in their paypal account, and the prestige of having their picture plastered all over our blog, so people can use it as their wallpaper, or photoshop you fucking a donkey, or whatever!

Send your pictures to thebullets.justusnerds@gmail.com.

• Actress and least obnoxious Judd Ashley Judd says that she spent 47 days in a treatment center for depression. The Bullets would like to wish Ashley all the best… we know first-hand how tough depression can be, having been put on prozac after blowing 16 bucks (30 if you count popcorn & drinks) on Double Jeopardy.



• Academy Award winning, giant-toothed actress Hillary Swank told Vanity Fair that part of the reason she and hubby Chad Lowe have split up is Lowe’s problems with addiction. She added that there were other factors, like how he looks & sounds a little like Rob Lowe one minute, and then the next minute he doesn’t, and that’s “kinda creepy.”



• This year’s Emmy nominations include both Martin Sheen, nominated for best actor in a drama for his role on The West Wing, and his son Charlie Sheen, nominated for best actor in a comedy for his role on Two And A Half Men. The Bullets reached the younger Sheen for comment, and he said, “This is almost as cool as the time we both snorted coke off of the same hooker’s ass. That was fucking awesome.”



• The Hollywood baby deluge continued unabaited today, as Academy award winner Russell Crowe & his wife welcomed their second son into the world. Father, mother & child are all said to be doing very well, and the baby has even made his first attempt to throw a Sesame Street phone at a member of the hospital’s housekeeping staff.



• Actor Robert Downey Jr. has inked a deal with publisher Harper Collins to write his memoirs. The memoirs will be published in 2008, but those who don’t want to wait just have to pick up a copy of Brett Easton Ellis’ Less Than Zero. Actually, skip that. Just put the movie in your Netflix queue and call it good.



• CBS Execs are scratching their heads over the weak ratings garnered by the debut of Rockstar: Supernova. When reached for comment by The Bullets, a spokesperson for the network said, “Man, I just can’t believe Gilby Clarke isn’t the answer to all our hopes & prayers.”



• BBC News is reporting that screen icon Sophia Loren, at age 71, has become the oldest woman to pose for the famed Pirelli calendar. This year’s edition will also feature Naomi Watts, Penelope Cruz, Hilary Swank and Lou Doillon. Loren’s calendar shoot, alegedly done in the nude, has also helped spawn a new term: Great Grandmother I’d Like To Fuck, or GGILF.



• According to the Washington Post, Survivor:Thailand winner Brian Heidik has been arrested for… wait for it… that’s right, SHOOTING A PUPPY WITH A BOW & ARROW.. When reached for comment a clearly pissed God, who could be heard firing up the 4 Horsemen of the Apocolypse in the background, said, “That’s it… you little fuckers are outta there.”



• And finally, in birthday news, Jennifer Saunders, comic genius, half of the legendary comedy team French & Saunders, and television’s Edina Monsoon turns 48 today. The Bullets would like to wish you a very Happy Brirthday, Jennifer. You truly are Absolutely Fabulous, darling.

Edina offers Baby Spice some PR advice:

Those are The Bullets for this week, kids… we’re off to watch some clips of our favorite show, The Office. Do join us, won’t you?

ARIES (Mar. 21—Apr. 20)
You’re at Coney Island. Everybody is happy to see you but there is paranoia and regret in their eyes. None of the rides are operating and the only food worth buying is the deep fried corn, which you eat as if you are an animal on the verge of discovering satiation for the first time. You are wet and bold and wonderful. Your lucky Beat Generation writer is Lawrence Ferlinghetti.

TAURUS (Apr. 21–May 21)
You are walking down a long farm road. You don’t remember waking up this morning. The workers are browned by the sun – muscular and angular. As focused as truth. They make sidelong glances at you as if expecting something new but quickly being disappointed that you are just a lone person on a long road. Will authenticity follow? Your lucky Beat Generation writer is Lew Welch.

GEMINI (May 22–June 21)
You are beginning to realize that there is little difference between a traveling salesman and a wanderer. If you sold things, that would be a job; it would be a duty. Would that detract from your wandering? Self doubt lingers in the air like cotton candy on a child’s mouth. You feel alone, but you feel you are at the start of something. Your lucky Beat Generation writer is Michael McClure.

CANCER (June 22–July 22)
You wonder for a moment if the car you are in is stolen. Where did it come from? You look at the driver as if looking at him for the first time. He drives like a pro. He knows cars the way you know yourself. You feel a glimmer of his confidence. Adventure lurks in the corner if you can just wake it up. You take another drink and relax into the upholstery. Your lucky Beat Generation writer is Jack Kerouac.

LEO (July 23—Aug. 22)
You are in the back of a run-down broken backstreet bar. The band is blowing, blowing with all the rhythm and hop of a beat-up Cadillac on a railroad track. The energy loosens your groove. You can’t find the bartender and you’re not sure you could afford a beer anyway. This is a good night to approach a stranger and everyone here is swept away in the energy, talking and jumping onto their chairs. It is a fanatical world and you feel lucky to be a part of it. Your lucky Beat Generation writer is Philip Whalen

VIRGO (Aug. 23–Sept. 23)
You eat ravenously as you dance. You have a sandwich in one hand and a bottle of something you can’t identify in the other. Dexter Gordon is bopping for all get out and you see the object of your affection across the room, smooth skinned and covered in agitation. The night is racing toward its conclusion and you hold on because you want to ride this horse all the way to town. Your lucky Beat Generation writer is William Burroughs.

LIBRA (Sept. 24–Oct. 23)
You’ve been thrown out of your third hotel room in four nights and you are starting to feel like you will never sleep again. How many hours has it been since you closed your eyes? You could count them but counting seems like an awful lot of work and it is better just to ride all night looking for an open patch of grass where you can lay down and let everything collapse on top of you for an hour or two until you drift away. When was the last time you were like this? You want to remember but you can’t. Your lucky Beat Generation writer is Allen Ginsberg.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24–Nov. 22)
You can see the thick ropes of smoke on the horizon and you are starting to smell the burning corn and rye. You can’t believe you are driving toward a burn that big. Something in the back of your mind panics and you want to turn the wheel. You want to turn back and run all the way home. Your arms stay locked and steady though. There is something at the other side of that cloud that you have to see. You want to come through, covered in ash and dirt and sweat. You need to make it through. Your lucky Beat Generation writer is Gary Snyder.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 23–Dec. 21)
The busted out railroad car you spend the night in creaks with every gust of wind. There is a mound of trash in the corner from the dozens of others who have tramped through here before you. You are so tired that your muscles don’t want to work, but your eyes won’t close. You stare at a patch of stars through a hole in the top of the car and you watch it slowly move. You can tell by the shadows that the moon is coming close to the hole. Will you get to see it? You want so much to see it. You think that will bring you sleep. You have connected yourself to it. The wait may last forever. Your lucky Beat Generation writer is Gregory Corso.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22–Jan. 20)
The jail cell you are in tonight looks pretty much like the one from last month. What petty crime are you guilty of this time? You don’t think it was more than a two-night transgression and you are unsure of what can happen after that. Your cellmates smell like burnt motor oil and the one in the corner has a hacking cough. You are sure you’ll be out in the sun soon, walking down the road – just another free animal in the daylight. The wait always seems longer than it is. Your lucky Beat Generation writer is Neal Cassady.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 21–Feb. 19)
Once you cross the border everything changes. The houses all look like they have lost their agenda. The people walk in loose, careless steps that eat up the landscape in front of them. The smell of food seems to surround everything. Nothing costs much and plenty is free as long as you are friendly. Everyone is like you, and you feel more at home that you ever felt at home. Your lucky Beat Generation writer is Kenneth Rexroth.

PISCES (Feb. 20–Mar. 20)
Your house has been invaded by friendly maniacs. The party has been going on for a long time and you can see that a good part of the order you used to rely on has been disrupted and redistributed. You can either smile and welcome the party or push them out in all of your fury. It only takes a moment to decide who you are once the pressure is on. Your lucky Beat Generation writer is Kirby Doyle.

Every four years, Americans work themselves into a frenzy about the one sporting event like no other. The three year buildup is nearly unbearable. Making Americans wait for their beloved soccer stars to shine on the world stage seems cruel. So, as this year’s World Cup approached, I began contemplating where I would watch the exciting matches. I couldn’t go to a sports bar because they would surely be filled to capacity with crazed fans. Perhaps I could go down to Paul Brown Stadium and watch all the excitement on the jumbotron? Or maybe I could drive to Columbus and view the action at Ohio stadium where my beloved Buckeyes play? But what if these places are full? What would I possibly do then??? Where will I go??? What will I do??? Wait a minute, what the hell am I talking about??? Nobody in America CARES!!!

The question rings in my head like a 2 am train whistle. Why don’t more Americans get excited about the World Cup? So, I decided to spend several days in silent meditation. As I pondered this great mystery, several undeniable truths were revealed to me. Here are the top ten reasons Americans couldn’t care less about the World Cup of soccer. Keep in mind as I reveal these truths to an anxiously awaiting world Letterman style, they are in no particular order.

10). American Sports are better. They are more exciting and more competitive. Who amongst us has not witnessed a buzzer beating half court shot during March Madness, or a 9th inning walk off home run, or a touchdown drive in the last two minutes of a football game. Nothing can beat it. And speaking of football, that brings me to the next reason:

9). FIFA fans are too damn smug about SOCCER!!! That’s right; I called it SOCCER, not FOOTBALL. American football is known throughout the world. The Superbowl is beamed around the world and watched by millions outside the US. Everybody knows what American football is and therefore there is no reason to put the word “American” before it. And what of Australian rules football? I’m sure they call their game football without the word “Australian” in front of it. So why is European football the only football to be called football? Answer, they feel it is their divine right. I know, I know, European football (known from this moment forward as soccer!) is played without use of hands and technically the name is more accurate than American football (known from this moment on as football!), played with hands. If you keep that logic, then we must rename basketball because it is no longer played by shooting a ball into a basket. Nope, football is well known throughout the world and soccer is the name of the World cup games. And that brings me to the next reason,

8). World Cup contests are called matches and not games. What the hell?!! Soccer is a game. Just like football, baseball, basketball, and hockey, when the contest is over, everyone goes home safely. There is no one on one match for supremacy like boxing for example. So, all contests should be called soccer games not matches. And a side note, soccer games are played on a soccer field, not a pitch. A pitch is something hurled at a batter in a baseball game.

7). The next reason Americans don’t care about the World Cup is that American will never be any good at the World Cup and the rest of the world likes it that way. Don’t get me wrong, if America ever truly did embrace soccer, there is no doubt in my mind that we would dominate. But we have too many other better sports. Kids play soccer when they are young before they go into the other, cool sports. Which leads me into the next reason:

6). Soccer is a kids’ game, not something adults play seriously. Why would Americans be interested in a kids’ game? Answer is they are not. If soccer was not a kids’ game, then why does the term “soccer mom” exist? It obviously refers to parents watching their young children play.

5). Another reason Americans couldn’t care less about the World Cup is the way the penalties are handled. What’s the deal with the cards, anyway? In football, you get a penalty and the yards are marked against your team. In basketball, a foul could lead to a free throw. You can even fight in hockey and the combatants take a seat for five minutes. But soccer, the referee actually pulls out a card and writes your name down. What kind of crap is that! Sound like something the old KGB or the old East German Police would do. Didn’t the Gestapo have lists like that? And two yellow cards get you a one game suspension??? What the hell??? I’ve seen players in hockey get two penalties on the same play! No, the penalty system seems like something Hitler would have done in Germany 70 years ago.

4). No visible time. Americans don’t trust a game where they can’t tell how much time is left. Even in baseball that has no time, fans know that two outs in the seventh means their team has seven outs left. But only the ref knows how much time is really left? What?!! What if his watch is off? What if he forgets to start the stop watch after a time out? What if he wants to help out one team over another? There is no way to be sure. Speaking of time, that brings me to my next reason:

3). The games are too damn long! No timed sport should be longer than one hour unless they go into sudden death overtime. Football and hockey are 60 minutes, pro basketball is 48 minutes and college basketball is 40 minutes. Soccer is a painful 90 minutes long! Heck, their halves are nearly as long as an NBA game and longer that a college basketball game. Segments in a game should be no longer than 20 minutes. Soccer has a brutally long 45 minutes for a half with no quarter breaks. Too long!

2). The next reason Americans don’t care is that soccer fans take their fanaticism much too seriously. Face painting is one thing but when you have nut jobs that threaten the lives of players and even one lunatic who shot and killed a South American player months after he accidentally put a ball in his own net, that’s way too much. I’ve heard of Canadian hockey fans obsessed with their teams but they can’t hold a candle to the soccer nuts. And let’s not forget the hooligans. What kind of a word is hooligan anyway? But that does lead me to the number one reason Americans don’t care about the World Cup:

1). It’s just too BORING!!! Ties are boring, especially if you’ve sat through 90 boring minutes. No sudden death overtime. At least in overtime, a game could be won on one shot, which would be something at least. But overtime is an anticlimactic 15 minutes where both side could score and extend the game for 15 more boring minutes. In fact, the real reason soccer hooliganism began in the first place was to make soccer games more interesting. If nothing interesting is going to happen on the field, then they might as well do something interesting in the stands. Now I use to play soccer when I was young and it was interesting as I played. But to sit in the stands and watch or even worse, sit at home in front of my TV set and watch is just too much boredom for most Americans to withstand. That’s why most Americans are doing other things in the mornings as the worlds’ eyes are on Germany. So, as I sit down in my comfortable recliner watching the titanic struggle between Ecuador and Uruguay, one in escapable thought comes to mind… I wonder who’s on The View???

I admire the hardworking people who attempt to get by my spam filter. They say some of the dandiest things, and they make me feel better about my life by showing me just how much lower it is possible to sink. So, without further ado, here are this week’s Top Spam Quotes, or as I like to call them, The Spammies:

Best Heartful Plea

I come to you with due respect and equally with heartful of tears and since we have not known or met ourselves previously.
Miss Vinna Johnson

Miss Vinna, I heartful you right back.

Best Title

Your future, mound maker
Eddie Chu

Your psychic powers are clear, Eddie.

Most Reassuring

This is most modern and safe way not to cover with shame
Rupert Crane

Thank god, my previous not to cover with shame methods had been so risky.

Most Presumptive

You are a businessman and have no time for a long sexual stimulation
Winston

I’m willing to make time for that Winston.

Best Justification for Sending me Millions of Dollars

Am helping you on this because something in me is tells me that you are an honest person.
Revd. Fr. Thomas Douglas

What, did my email address have an honest ring to it?

Least Confident Approach

What IS 0EM Software And Why D0 You Care?
Ian Nelson

Ian, your poor self image may be interfering with your profits. I’m just saying…

Most Literary

Gathering up the little courage he had left, trying desperately to summon exactly the right note of sharp and yet almost casual irritability, he said: “And you might as well stop that. It’s not you that needs the Novril; you’re feeding it to the monkey. “Right now I need the sugar. Two in May. They were empty because Misery had — – escaped? Maybe the rest of you forgot what happened last week, but the stone idol never forgets. He heard a light shuffle-scuffle and looked quickly in the corner, expecting to see the trooper crawling toward him, one brown eye peering from the hash of his face.
Hunter Barber

You had me at monkey, Hunter.

Most like a Haiku

We give it to you again as a gift.
How many times have you seen issues explode but you couldn’t get your hands on them?
Will it go crazy tomorrow morning?
Oscar Davenport

Zen and the Art of Spam?

Best Gibberish

attrition be garage in gatlinburg the stable and ecstatic in parlance ! bellum the credent some springboard the churchgoer or cornell see comic not forgetting the huff see schweitzer may beneath in breezy it’s gloat the dominican see cantonese some terry see herself be reeve and anthropomorphic see hermite or rydberg , heretic or brillouin and briggs on ambassador it cheer a pursuant some dear!
Ahmed Hightower

Try saying that three times fast

Most Realistic Claim

I burned sixty calorie
Mr Deeter

That should put an end to your obesity once and for all.

As you may or may not know, David Hasselhoff is experiencing a resurgence in his career. Aside from his international acclaim, there’s the Adam Sandler flick, as well as his gig as judge on America’s Got Talent, where it was revealed that he hates jugglers just as much as I DO. If we at we at Just Us Nerds have had anything to do with this massive resurgence in The Hoff’s popularity, well, then we humbly accept your thanks. If you don’t like the Hoff… well… then you’re an ass-face with no sense of humor who has apparently forgotten that you used to watch Knight Rider every fucking SUNDAY, don’t even try to tell us that you didn’t… EVERYONE DID!!!!!!!

OK, I fell better now.

And you will too, after this good, stiff shot of The Hoff.

Jump In My Car: The Hoff beckons us…

The Hoff & Regine Velasquez move us to tears…

Secret Agent Man: Proof that The Hoff shoulda been the new James Bond: Like he’s any more lame than that new fuckstick they picked…

The Hoff live: Du. Seriously… ’nuff said.

Crazy For You: I thought this might be a Madonna cover… and I was disappointed that it wasn’t… for about 20 seconds until I realized that THE HOFF kicks Madonna’s FAT FUCKING FAKE BRITISH ACCENT ASS!!!!!

Rhinestone Cowboy: Fuck Glenn Campbell. Fuck Robert Redford. Fuck Jane Fonda. Here’s The Hoff live on German TV. Seriously, if you think the original is better than this, you need your dumb ass kicked. Hardcore.

Blue Bayou: I’m sorry… your name is Linda WHO????

The Wings Of Tenderness: Oh, holy fucking Christ, somebody get me a FUCKING TISSUE!!!!

Je T’Aime Means I Love You: Hey, according to The Hoff, “Je T’Aime” is “I love you” in French. Maybe France isn’t as bad for America as we’ve been lead to believe…

OK, this miserable, hot, lame-ass summer has dragged on long enough for there to be some official items associated with it, so here they are. And as always, if you think I’m full of shit & you have a better one, tell me to blow it out my ass and post it. Ready? OK!

• Official Kick-Ass song: The Ramones – Rockaway Beach
• Official whiny, pussy, pony-tail man song: Don Henley – The Boys Of Summer (also the shitty cover by blink charlotte fire inside 41)
• Official better Corey Hart song to sing than Sunglasses At Night: Never Surrender
• Official Summer Blockbuster: Pirates 2
• Official drink: Hurricane, on the rocks (it’s BLUE!)
• Offical non-alcoholic drink: The Shirley Temple
• Official sports drink: Gatorade Fierce, Grape
• Official gross thing to step on barefoot: Snail
• Official fruit: The plum/Simon Cowell (tie)
• Official sandwich: Egg salad
• Offical Spider-Man villain: Black Cat
• Offical Japanese Anime: Wolf’s Rain
• Official suck-ass 80’s Christian metal band: Stryper
• Official reason to be pissed-off at your girlfriend/boyfriend/spouse: They made you late to Superman Returns, so you missed the Spider-Man 3 trailer, AND you had to sit all the way to one side by that nasty-ass curtain over the wall (who the fuck even knows when the last time they cleaned that fucking thing is)
• Offical pregnant hillbilly white trash gum popper: Britney Spears
• Official Curmudgeon: Andy Rooney
• Official Cool Guy: Still George Clooney
• Official comic: Sarah Silverman (fuck Dane Cook)
• Official head accessory: The visor (preferably turned backwards)
• Official ubiquitous jerk-off political talking head (with bowtie): Tucker Carlson
• Official ubiquitous jerk-off political talking head (without bowtie): Joe Scarborough
• Official ubiquitous jerk-off political talking head (without flesh on his skull): Alan Colmes
• Official TV network who’s name you can also chant: USA
• Official cool rock chick (straight): Chrissie Hynde
• Official cool rock chick (probably not straight): Joan Jett
• Official gum flavor: Still Hubba Bubba Grape
• Official shoes: Converse hi-tops (preferably black with flames on them)
• Official tree: The larch
• Official reality show: Big Brother All-Stars
• Official ATM button: “Clear”
• Official sunglasses: Terminator wrap-arounds
• Official ice cream flavor: Vanilla, motherfuckers, just PLAIN VANILLA!
• Official greeting: “How’s it hangin’?”
• Official goodbye: “Ni night, buttpies!”

After four months, the folks at mensfacts.com have yet to pony up with any “facts”. They want you to give you their address and vital statistics so they can send you some “facts”. If they really cared about you, wouldn’t they just post the “facts” on their web site? Well, we care about you, so once again we are providing you with some important men’s facts. Be sure to check out our first and second list of facts.

• Married men or more likely to check the labels on food than unmarried men. (AP-Ipsos poll)
• Men are more likely to be satisfied with their homes than women are. (Harris survey)
• Men are more likely to have established rainy day accounts than women. (Bankrate.com)
• Men are nearly twice as likely to cheat on college assignments than female students. (Times Higher Education Supplement)
• Men are more likely to negotiate their salary than women. (Women Don’t Ask: Negotiation and the Gender Divide)
• Men are more likely to support “right-to-die” laws for terminally ill patients. (Gallup Poll)
• Men are more likely than women to work while on vacation. (CareerBuilder.com survey)
• Men are more likely to live with their parents than women. (Parship.com)
• Men are less likely to admit suffering from stage fright than women because they think they are better at public speaking. (Sheffield Hallam University)
• Men are less likely to get a routine check-up or see a doctor when ill. (Penn State)
• Men are less likely to use sunscreen than women. (NHS Scotland)

As you all know, we nerds are hooked on David Hasselhoff. We’ve been watching him forever, we remember him as Dr. Snapper Foster on Young and the Restless, as Michael Knight on Knight Rider and as Mitch Buchannon on the many and varied incarnations of Baywatch (Baywatch Nights was my favorite). Well, ever since we featured him back in April he has been on fire. We don’t want to take all the credit (some of it belongs to The Hoff himself) but obviously the power we wield here at Just Us Nerds is awesome. We felt it was time to update you on the many amazing developments that have come up as a result of our support.

• David Hasselhoff has burst back onto the scene as the star of the comedy Click. We hear Adam Sandler and Christopher Walken are in it too. It must be inspiring for them to work with someone of David’s stature.
• David Hasselhoff recently had to have surgery on a severed tendon in his arm. Despite more mundane reports, we believe that the chandelier was so taken by the power of his handsomeness that it burst apart in an attempt to shower him with love. Unfortunately, all the chandelier had to offer was glass.
• David Hasselhoff is going to make a musical filled with his songs and talent. I’m sure it will sell out, especially in Ireland.
• David Hasselhoff bust into tears when Taylor Hicks won on American Idol. I think we all cried a little that day.
• David Hasselhoff has become the most searched for and downloaded man on the Internet. This is further proof of our enormous influence
• David Hasselhoff is of course hosting the summer sensation Americas Got Talent. We sure do have talent. Take that Al-Qaeda!

As you can see, the Nerd Effect is growing. Soon we will be all powerful and totally full of ourselves, selling out and annoying everyone in sight. We can’t wait!

“Wynona’s got herself a big brown beaver
And she shows it off to all her friends
One day, you know, that beaver tried to leave her
So she caged him up with cyclone fence
Along came The Thursday Night Bullet Points
And said, “recognize that smell?”
Smells like seven layers…
That beaver eats taco bell”

The Bullets are pleased to announce that we have a winner in our “Where My Hose At?” T-Shirt contest. We thank everyone who participated. You guys sent us loads of great pictures, but we could only pick one winner. And here she is:

That’s right, it’s little Shiloh Nouvelle Jolie-Pitt! Congrats Shiloh… and be sure to look in your paypal account for the big ten dollar prize!

Stay tuned for more Bullets photo contests!

• Gum-popping mouth-breather Britney Spears followed up the moronic TV interview in which she tried to prove she wasn’t a hillbilly by posing nude, six months pregnant. The Bullets reached Britney’s non-in-utreo baby, little Sean Preston, for comment and he said, “That’s it. Man, as soon as I can reach the pedals on that fucking Big Wheel, I’m outta here.”



• Diminutive former SNL regular & Adam Sandler hanger-on Rob Schneider collapsed from a combination of food poisoning and heat exhaustion Wednesday. Rob was taken to a Northern California hospital, treated and released. When reached for comment, a spokesperson for Karma said, “Of course he got sick… didn’t you see The Animal????”



• Hugh Jackman sent a videotaped message to the Cine Expo international exhibitors conference in Amsterdam announcing that he will star in a spin-off of the X-Men films focusing on his character, Wolverine, to be released in 2007. The 6 people who still give a fuck after the last X-Men movie are reported to be “very excited.”



• Aparrently, Star Jones, Barbra Walters, Rosie O’Donnel, Katie Couric, Charles Gibson, Merideth Vierra, Joy Behar, and Elizabeth Hasselbeck all went after each other this week with chainsaws, machine guns, machetes, and rocket launchers. The Bullets has no word on who has or has not survived, as we don’t watch any of the crap they’re on, and really don’t care.



• Earlier this week, conservative radio talk show host & delusionally self-important gasbag Rush Limbaugh continued to be totally irrelevant.

 

 



• Academy award winner Kevin Kline will play King Lear in an upcoming production at the Public Theater in New York. Kline, famous for his work in such films as Grand Canyon, The January Man, and The Hunchback Of Notre Dame 2 DVD has said that he is looking forward to being on stage again, and the play will also provide a nice break from his busy schedule of keeping Phoebe Cates locked in a closet somewhere.



• In music news, that homeless guy we passed laying in the alley mumbling the lyrics to Mr. Brownstone wasn’t really Axl Rose after all. Turns out the actual Axl was in jail in Stockholm Sweden after biting a hotel security guard on the leg. Way to go, Axl… keep up the good work!



• Legendary rockers KISS have opened up a coffee house in Myrtle Beach. The coffe house will feature flavors like KISS Frozen Rockuccino & French KISS Vanilla, a full line of pastry items, scones, and biscotti, and roomy bathrooms with plenty of toilets for the band to flush the last vestiges of it’s self-respect down.



• Seminal punk band & riot grrrl icons Sleater-Kinney are breaking up after 11 ass-kicking years. First Bikini Kill, then 7 Year Bitch, and now this. At least we still have Bratmobile. On behalf of guys everywhere who are maybe just a little too old to be at girl punk band shows, The Bullets wishes to thank Sleater-Kinney for all the great tunes. Seriously, you girls fucking RAWK.

S-K: In Memorium – The girls performing “Jumpers” on Late Night With David Letterman.

Those are The Bullets for this week, kids. We’re off to have the holy living crap scared out us at a showing of An Inconvenient Truth. Woo Hoo!!!!! PARTY!!!!!!!!

ARIES (Mar. 21—Apr. 20)
In order to truly experience darkness, you have to turn out the light. Sometimes the light is fluorescent. Sometimes it is neon. Once in a while it is an LED. You must learn to turn all of these off if you are going to truly find the adventure you are seeking. Learn to be invisible in a crowded room. Turn off everything about yourself until all that is left is your darkness. Then you can begin to explore who you are. Your lucky fabric is nylon.

TAURUS (Apr. 21–May 21)
Anger is the key to tapping into your love. Fury and affection blend into a soufflé of warmth for you. Learn to tap into that love and let it embrace all of those around you. You have such an enormous capacity for love. Your lucky fabric is haircloth.

GEMINI (May 22–June 21)
The two halves of your personality are fundamentally at odds, but you already knew that. The key at this point is to keep the two sides communicating. It is much like peace negotiations between two neighboring countries that would like to be at peace, as long as they have to give nothing of themselves in return. That cannot happen of course, but the negotiations at least keep tensions from rising significantly. Be an ambassador to yourself. Negotiate sanity. Your lucky fabric is denim.

CANCER (June 22–July 22)
Feel free to settle for less this week. Expectation reduction should be your fundamental philosophy. The more you can do without, the more you’ll be able to do. An empty pocket is an open opportunity. Your lucky fabric is gingham.

LEO (July 23—Aug. 22)
If you eliminate all of the things you can’t be, all of the things you probably won’t be, and all of the things you are but shouldn’t be, your path should be quite clear. Take that path for about a week and see where you end up. Your lucky fabric is polyester.

VIRGO (Aug. 23–Sept. 23)
Look how well everything worked out for you this week! It really was silly of you to worry. I’ve been telling you for months that your luck is almost absurdly good right now. Sure, the week was in flux, but the luck never changed. Get ready for more of the same this week. Your lucky fabric is cotton.

LIBRA (Sept. 24–Oct. 23)
How many people did you save this week? I swear, you have been on a run of good deeds that has truly amazed me. I would tell you to stop and take some time for yourself, but I doubt you’ll listen. Just try not to let yourself get stretched to thin. The world is awfully big and you can’t save it all. Your lucky fabric is flannel.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24–Nov. 22)
Dead tigers don’t lie about their conquests and neither should you. Take the time to be humble and learn to sing a new song. Karaoke is good for the soul. Your lucky fabric is taffeta.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 23–Dec. 21)
Let a smile be your antihistamine this week. Breathe easier by knowing that inside, no matter what, you will be happy. This is the guaranteed fast track to spiritual enlightenment. If you can convince yourself that you are happy, you can convince yourself that you are enlightened, and that is the first step. Your lucky fabric is satin.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22–Jan. 20)
Bees and Velveeta are a potent combination. If you find yourself in the woods being chased by Velveeta, look for the nearest beehive. That will distract you and give you a reason to run faster. If this advice seems nonsensical to you, you have taken the first step toward independent thinking. Step back before you hurt yourself. Your lucky fabric is terrycloth.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 21–Feb. 19)
If you find yourself eerily attracted to the music of Coldplay and Snow Patrol, you may be losing your edge. You may even be losing your soul. Listen to some blues, perhaps some Robert Johnson. Remember, soft rock equals a soft soul. Your lucky fabric is Velveteen.

PISCES (Feb. 20–Mar. 20)
No matter how much you try, you will never turn into a turtle. Accept what you are and who you are. Stay away from shopping malls and wild animal parks. Divide yourself and conquer. Your lucky fabric is twill.

:::ahem:::

Ladies and gentlemen…

Madames et monsieurs…

Damen und Herren…

Courtesy of our fellow nerds at superherohype.com, we very proudly present…

THE SPIDER-MAN 3 TEASER TRAILER.

The word on the geek street is that we will get a look on the big screen before select showings of Superman Returns.

That is all.

People love the Colbert Quotes. They can’t get enough of them, and the beautiful thing is, he makes more of them almost every day. Here are some recent jewels:

• Since today is National Day of Prayer, everyone in America please join hands in a circle… here goes. Oh Lord, tonight, let me bring it. Help me to nail my guests, as they would nail me. And keep my crew in good health, for yea, they are the uninsured. And finally, help mine hand to find mine car keys. I know I had them this morning. Amen.
• We Americans are like the DMV. We look over the application and decide if Congress is allowed back on the road. And because this is a renewal, Congress doesn’t have to go through the rigmarole of a road test and a booklet and answering our questions about the rationale for war.
• Now that fines are ten times higher, the networks will be ten times more nervous about what is and isn’t indecent. Imagine how sparkling clean our airwaves will be as soon as the FCC fines $325,000 every time the networks show anything immoral– like a single parent, or an immigrant worker, or an unshaved beaver.
• I’ve never been a fan of amphibians. Not only do they strengthen the argument for evolution, they are nature’s fence sitters. Come on amphibians–which is it? Water or land? Pick one. We’re at war.
• Your parents paid for college, the least you can do is reward them with a few more years of your college-educated presence. Show them how enlightened you are by rejecting society’s demands that you ‘get your own place.’ Plus free food and plenty of time to play Halo.
• When I was in high school, prom night was much more innocent. Especially for me since I did not go to prom. I felt the theme of our prom, ‘She Blinded Me with Science,’ was a slap in the face of people of faith.
• We used to think their leader, Muammar Qaddafi, president for life and quote ‘Guide of the First of September Great Revolution of the Arab Libyan Popular and Socialist Jamahirya,’ was crazy, with his elite cadre of beautiful female bodyguards. Now, we realize he’s just a lovable eccentric, kind of like Prince.
• For every Superman out there, there’s also a Green Arrow. The little guy who can’t fly or bend steel but still makes a contribution, in this case by being pretty good at archery.
• Talking about immigrants always makes me hungry. It’s partly because of the term ‘melting pot.’ Mmmm… delicious racial fondue. Then, a few years ago, people started calling it a ’salad bowl’ which is still pretty good if you toss in enough bacon bits.
• This is a crisis, Nation. Need I remind you, if the democrats take control of congress, democrats will be in control of congress. I used to think that was a myth, like global warming.
• Omaha is one of the country’s largest telecommunications centers, employing over 30,000 individuals who field nearly 20 million toll-free calls per day. Omaha citizens are great on the phone because they don’t have accents–they sound like they’re from nowhere, which is partially true.
• Adding the word ‘not’ to the end of a sentence negates everything that came before it. A signing statement is the presidential equivalent. Now, the president uses more formal language, like ‘I don’t think the constitution protects certain kinds of prisoners.’ This way, the President can make sure a law is applied the way the founders intended. Specifically, the founders of the Bush administration.
• It’s never okay for men to cry! You know who cries? Girls. And little babies. And little baby girls. Man holds it in! Until his eyeballs swell to the size of baseballs, his throat feels like it’s about to explode, and his gut just aches like there’s a snake wrapped around his heart! That’s why we die earlier, but it’s worth it! At least we don’t look weak while we’re alive.
• You know what you can’t outsource, Fareed? You can’t outsource balls. America is the world leader in balls.

“Well, I believe in the soul. The cock, the pussy, the small of a woman’s back, the hanging curve ball, high fiber, good scotch, that the novels of Susan Sontag and The Thursday Night Bullet Points are self-indulgent, overrated crap. I believe Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone. I believe there ought to be a constitutional amendment outlawing Astroturf and the designated hitter. I believe in the sweet spot, soft-core pornography, opening your presents Christmas morning rather than Christmas Eve and I believe in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days.”

A couple of quick announcements before we begin tonight: at last check, Just Us Nerds has 1689 friends on MySpace with over 9,000 pending friend requests. As we can only approve 10 at a time, be patient… we’ll add you eventually!

And we were surfing the web looking for Cubs jerseys last night when we stumbled upon this shirt. Because this shirt RULES, The Bullets will give the person who emails us the best picture of themselves wearing it 10 bucks. If you’re actually a firefighter and the picture is of yourself in the shirt in front of your firetruck or station house or something, and you win, we’ll make it 20 bucks. If you’re a hot girl over the age of 18, and you send us a picture of yourself in the thong, and you win, it’ll still be 20 bucks, but the picture will probably also become our wallpaper. Think of the prestige.

Anyway, email pictures to thebullets.justusnerds@gmail.com. As soon as we have a winner, we’ll let ya know.

• Babyshambles frontman and profesional shitbag Pete Doherty figures that his life has been so interesting that he can publish some of his journals. The Bullets attempted to reach every single person on the face of the Earth who would be interested in reading said journals, but we found that not even one of them had the ability to actually answer a ringing telephone. Mostly they just stared at them & made “eeee-eeee” noises like the monkeys at the beginning of 2001.



• DMX was cited by Scottsdale, Arizona police for carrying a concealed weapon without a permit, which is a misdemenaor. A spokesman for the rapper, famous for such songs as Shot Down, Rob All Night (If I’m Gonna Rob), Niggaz Done Started Something, ATF, and Bring Your Whole Crew, said “What? He had a gun? You’re shitting me!”



• Oscar-winning actress and America’s lil dumplin’ Reese Witherspoon is filing a rather hefty lawsuit against Star magazine for running a false story that she’s pregnant again. We were planning on posting a Bullet tonight about how her face was flattened by a fallen piece of the Skylab space station when she was a baby, but we’ve decided against it, and will issue a retraction anyway, just to be safe.



• Hottie boom-a-lottie Naomi Watts has flown back to Australia to attend the wedding of her longtime pal, hottie boom-a-lottie Nicole Kidman, who is marrying country star Keith Urban this weekend. The Bullets wishes Naomi & Nicole a great little visit, and we also hope that the gals get to spend some real quality time together. You know… maybe a sleepover… having a pillow fight in their underwear… practicing kissing techniques on each other… er… sorry, what were we talking about again?

  

• Bassist Andy Nicholson is leaving the Arctic Monkeys. Until he is replaced, fans of the band will have to settle for listening to U2, Coldplay, Snow Patrol, Franz Ferdinand, Fall Out Boy, Death Cab For Cutie, Painc! At The Disco, Black Rebel Motorcycle Club, The Strokes, The Killers, Modest Mouse, The White Stripes, The Futureheads, Maroon 5, Jet, The Coral, Ben Lee, Oasis, Pulp, Badly Drawn Boy, The Verve, Richard Ashcroft, Inspiral Carpets, Morrisey, Blur, and Suede.



• Everybody Loves Raymond sad sack & formerly funny stand-up comic Ray Romano will be working for HBO soon. The network is developing a series with Romano and the producers of 24, about a fortysomething billionaire with 6 months to live. No word yet on if the show will be filmed in real time, ala 24, but considering it takes Romano nearly 10 minutes to drone out each sentence, we kinda think not.



• 80’s teen icons Corey Feldman & Corey Haim are planning on working together again. Ah, fuck it… go ahead and write your own joke. We’re tired. Try something about the drugs. Or maybe the whole not having a career anymore thing. Didn’t Feldman used to hang around with Jacko, and dress up like him & stuff? Maybe there’s something there.



• A French court has dismissed a lawsuit alleging the screenplay for the film Syriana was “largely borrowed” from a script written in 2002 by Stephanie Vergniault. In the official transcript of the proceding, the judge is quoted as saying, “What, is she fucking kidding? Did you see that movie? What the hell was that thing even about?”



• We’ve been seeing alot of the trailer for the next creatively bankrupt Hollywood crapfest, the Wayans Brothers’ Little Man. So we’re ripping off Bugs Bunny cartoons now? That’s Baby Buggy Bunny, featuring Baby Face Fenster… they even show him shaving in the mirror with the cigar. Do the Wayans Brothers actually think they’re as funny as Bugs fucking Bunny? They aren’t even as funny as The Snorks.

Give tha Bunny his props, yo:

Those are The Bullets for this week, kids. We’re off to our field trip to THE FARM! C’mon along!!!

Summer is here. TV sucks. The movies are all sequels or remakes. It’s damned hot outside. The sun is up before I go to bed. I just wanted to get all of that off my chest. Here’s the latest scoop:

• In an apparent effort to convince judges that Charlie Sheen is only a slightly bigger loser than she is, Denise Richards hosted a Pussycat Dolls burlesque show in Las Vegas. She may also be getting engaged to Richie Sambora. You have a long way to go to top Charlie, but it is a good start babe.
• Dustin (Screech) Diamond, our TV friend, is losing his $2,000,000 home. In an attempt to save it, he is hawking t-shirts, or as he calls them “Dshirts”. I can’t buy one because I’m fat as a house and the sizes only go up so far. Also, I don’t really feel like saving a guy’s home when I live in an apartment. Also, he really isn’t a TV friend; he annoyed the bejeezus out of me. But hey, blogging is free, so I’ll do that much for him.
• People Magazine named Taylor Hicks the hottest bachelor of 2006. I’m beginning to think the gray hair fooled them into believing he was George Clooney.
• It looks like Ben Affleck might be the next person to climb aboard the remake of a crappy eighties show merry-go-round and star in the big screen version of Magnum PI. Once again, our long awaited big screen ALF sits on the sidelines waiting for the love.
• Aaron Spelling has suffered a stroke. They say he is OK, but they always say that so I’m simply going to hope for the best. Yes, some of his shows were crap, but try to imagine the last thirty years of television without him: Charmed, 7th Heaven, Beverly Hills, 90210, Burke’s Law, Melrose Place, Hotel, T.J. Hooker, Dynasty, Hart to Hart, Vega$, The Love Boat, Fantasy Island, Charlie’s Angels, Family, The Rookies, Starsky and Hutch. That is a lot of TV my friends, and some of it didn’t suck too much. Let’s hope Mr. Spelling is really OK.
• Eighties annoyances Corey Feldman and Corey Haim, are creating a new faux reality show that will star the two of them playing themselves and getting into loads of wacky misadventures. I’m scared. Is anybody else scared? This has got to be a sign of the apocalypse. Bad TV? You’re soaking in it.
• Matt Damon is the latest dupe being pawned off as the new Captain Kirk. Apparently, he has William Shatner’s blessing. That would be great news, if only I trusted William Shatner’s taste. Please, oh please, put Ryan Reynolds in the roll. If you must have a kirk, he is the only choice that makes sense.
• Superman wanted me to let everyone know that he is not gay. He and Aquaman are just good friends. “How can I be gay?” he asked, “I don’t even have a sidekick!”

ARIES (Mar. 21—Apr. 20)
If you hear a lot of horns blowing this week, give blowing your own a try. No, not that horn. Well, that’s up to you. I just mean that you need to tell people about your accomplishments. Let the world know that you are the emotional leader of the Zodiac and you aren’t going to let the rest of the world ignore you. Your lucky channel this week is Cartoon Network.

TAURUS (Apr. 21–May 21)
If the world truly was flat, you would be having one hell of a week. Look out for turtles in disguise. Everyone is trying to slow you up and nobody wants to tell you why. If you have to dream this week, dream about beaches and tight bathing suits. Let the imagery inside your mind take a vacation this week. Your lucky channel this week is Discovery.

GEMINI (May 22–June 21)
I had to cancel my appointment with the doctor because I found out that your sign was about to blossom forth into a full-grown action movie. Do you know your enemies? Keep track of their exact locations and keep a good exotic weapon handy. Always remember to leave your mark. Your lucky channel this week is Spike.

CANCER (June 22–July 22)
When was the last time you read a book? If the answer is over three weeks ago, congratulations, you went out and got a life. Good for you. While you are partying it up at the newest hot spot, take at least one moment to laugh and point at your former self. Can you believe what an idiot you were? Your lucky channel this week is E!

LEO (July 23—Aug. 22)
If you have been putting off that summer bikini wax, this is the week to do it. Go for the Brazilian and smooth the way for a new romance. As you recover in a nice cool tub, think about all the things we do to please others. Of course it hurts to make other people happy. It should hurt. Your lucky channel this week is VH1.

VIRGO (Aug. 23–Sept. 23)
This is an excellent week for negotiations. Don’t worry about consequences. You are a Virgo, the luckiest sign in the Zodiac. Of course everything is going to work out for you, whether you think so or not. Your lucky channel this week is FX.

LIBRA (Sept. 24–Oct. 23)
There have been a few weeks of struggle for you my Libra friend. I would like to tell you it was worth it, but that sort of talk is for losers and Leos. Just make the best of what you still have and soldier on my friend. The tactical advantage of being a Libra is that you can crush other signs with your wit or your magenta colored dreams. Look out for the other signs this week because their greed is growing. There is something about success that breeds hypocrisy and failure. That sort of dream should be important to you now that you are a public partner in the world. Your lucky channel this week is Fox.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24–Nov. 22)
Love is in the air for you. It may even be on your face before you know it. Look up and smell the roses, or whatever that smell may be. You are going to make some sweet, sweet music, if you call those sorts of sounds music. Your lucky channel this week is Lifetime.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 23–Dec. 21)
Revenge may be a dish best served cold, but cold food is great in the summer. You don’t have to heat up the house or break a sweat. Cool your summer off with some ice cold revenge. Get it out of your system. There is an angel on your shoulder and she is pissed. Your lucky channel this week is The Food Network.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22–Jan. 20)
There were a few moments last week when you started to feel like a winner. Didn’t you like that feeling? Don’t you want to feel it again? Well then stop screwing around and do something right for a change. This is the can of tuna you have been waiting to open. Your lucky channel this week is ESPN.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 21–Feb. 19)
There is a famous story about a chicken and an elevator that got into an argument. The chicken told the elevator that science rules over religion and the elevator refused to take the chicken up. I’m sure you’ve heard the story. The moral is, never allow anyone to give you the shaft. Your lucky channel this week is USA.

PISCES (Feb. 20–Mar. 20)
There is a tiger inside of you that is itching to get out. This can be complicated because tigers have claws and the inside of a body is mostly tender organs and still seeping bones. So, be careful with that tiger my friend. There is nothing you can do to stop it, but you should at least be able to protect your most sensitive areas. Your lucky channel this week is Animal Planet.

The demons of stupidity are everywhere!

• Undergear has a line of “shape enhancing” underwear for men. You can enhance your backside . . . or your front side. Your choice.
• Is the president stupid, or aggressively stupid? Given the choice, would Bush actually try to get smarter? Slate believes not. They attempt to prove that he has chosen stupidity as an ethos. I’m not sure I agree, but they do raise some interesting ponts.
• Speaking of Presidential-level stupidity, John Kerry apologized for allowing Bush to dupe him into voting for the war in Iraq. Nice work John, now why don’t you apologize for letting Bush negate your military service during the campaign because you were such an ass about it? In fact, why don’t you apologize for your complete inability to connect with the American people?
• Oakland A’s pitcher Esteban Loaiza got caught driving his Ferrari 120 miles per hour — drunk. He was quoted as saying “This could happen to anyone.” If by anyone you mean any spoiled brat of a pitcher with too much money and too little sense, you are exactly right Esteban.
• Illinois idiot Floyd Thompson just plead guilty to his 10th DUI offence since 1976. No word yet on if he has ever played baseball.
• The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift was released this week.

OK, I’ve been a fan of Dane Cook’s for awhile now. Before his multi-platinum album. Before his host gig on SNL. Before his mighty, rock star-like breakthrough. His old school Comedy Central Presents set is one of the funniest purely physical stand-up routines I’ve ever seen, better even than Jim Carrey’s early manic sets, hell, even as funny as Michael Richard’s physical comedy. But I’ve been watching him become more and more impressed with himself lately, and I’ve gotta step up to this balloon with a pin.

During the opening few minutes of the first episode of Cook’s highly anticipated new HBO show Tourgasm, his rock star mojo was pulsing way outta control. I can’t remember the speech verbatim, but he states in no uncertain terms that this show is a first… the first time 4 comics have gotten together and toured not like comedians, but like rock stars, and the ensuing adventures filmed for all to see. And that really irked the shit outta me.

Dane, behold: The Comedians Of Comedy. A couple years back, Patton Oswalt, Brian Posehn, Zach Galifinakis, and Maria Bamford hopped in a winebago (not a pussy-fied cushy tour bus, a fucking winebago) and went on a tour of rock clubs, not comedy clubs, and the ensuing adventures were filmed for both a fascinating documentary film, and a riotously funny Comedy Central mini-series. The route you and your buddies are taking has already been well traveled, Dane, by comics who have honed their craft to a much more razor-sharp edge than yours.

And another thing, Dane. The comics you’ve picked to go on tour with you? I dunno… I’m sure it’s nice to say that you’re giving some of your old pals in the biz a break and getting them exposure and all… but I can’t shake the feeling that you picked them because they just aren’t all that funny. Certainly not as funny as you. I think you just didn’t want anyone stealing your spotlight… and mission accomplished, as I seriously doubt anyone will remember their names in your wake. The gang on The Comedians Of Comedy tour were all friends, all started out in the biz together… but are all equally funny. They shared the spotlight, and it made for much more interesting, compelling viewing.

You’re funny, Dane. You really are a good comic… in time you could even become a great one. I can’t help but think that with the direction you’re moving, maybe Tourgasm 2 will be just you, flying around in your private jet, checking your hair in every handy reflective surface, taking off your shirt alot, and strutting like Mick Jagger. And it will be funny. But not in the way you’ll think it’s funny. And some of us will even be a little sad.

In celebration of this great and glorious day, I would like to provide some quotations from some of television’s greatest Dads of all time:

Howard Cunningham – Happy Days
Well, what can I say? Both of our children are married now and they’re starting out to build lives of their own. And I guess when you reach a milestone like this you have to have to reflect back on, on what you’ve done and, and what you’ve accomplished. Marion and I have not climbed Mount Everest or written a great American novel. But we’ve had the joy of raising two wonderful kids, and watching them and their friends grow up into loving adults. And now, we’re gonna have the pleasure of watching them pass that love on to their children. And I guess no man or woman could ask for anything more. So thank you all for being, part of our family… To happy days.

Red Forman – That 70s Show
Without rules, we all might as well be up in a tree flinging our crap at each other.

Al Bundy – Married With Children
I’d rather slam my nose in a car door. I’d rather have a proctologist named Dr. Hook. I would rather watch Roseanne Barr do a striptease than take these little booger machines camping.

Archie Bunker – All In The Family
Three Men in a Tub, they had a water shortage in them days. So everything in Fairyland was in threes, you know, except the dwarfs. There was seven of them ’cause they was little and the wolf was after them so the wolf came running after them and boy he had one hell of a breath. He blew down their house and they had to find another joint so they run through the woods and they run into Goldilocks and she took them all in to live with her and there’s nothin’ wrong with that because she was a nice girl and they’re old anyway. So they got another house but the wolf came along and blew that one down too so then they run through the woods again and they come to a brick house and that belonged to Disney so they all moved in there and started working for him.

Ward Cleaver – Leave It To Beaver
Let’s face it, June, Wally and Eddie have been friends for four or five years now – nothing’s ever really happed.

Steven Keaton – Family Ties
Alex, parents are conditioned to put up with a few minor accidents when they leave their children home alone. A broken vase, spilt milk on the rug… There was a kangaroo… in my living room.

Paul Hennessy — 8 Simple Rules… for Dating My Teenage Daughter
In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is “early.”

Homer Simpson – The Simpsons
Lisa, if you don’t like your job you don’t strike, you just go in every day and do it really half-assed – that’s the American way.

Ben Cartwright – Bonanza
I don’t have anything against education – as long as it doesn’t interfere with your thinking!

Dr. Heathcliff ‘Cliff’ Huxtable – The Cosby Show
Theo… that’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard in my life! No wonder you get D’s in everything! You’re afraid to try because you’re afraid your brain is going to explode and it’s going to ooze out of your ears. Now I’m telling you, you are going to try as hard as you can. And you’re going to do it because I said so. I am your father. I brought you into this world, and I’ll take you out!

Join us. You have been known to disagree with the Council before… yours could become an important voice in the new order, second only to my own!
I offer you a chance for greatness, Jor-El, take it! Join us!
You will bow down before me, Jor-El. I swear it…
no matter that it takes an eternity!
You will bow down before me!
Both you, and then one day…
your Thursday Night Bullet Points!

• Acclaimed movie director & cuckoo clock David Lynch is filing for divorce from wife number 3, citing “irreconcilable differences.” The Bullets reached Lynch’s ex-girlfriend Isabella Rossellini to comment on the situation, and she said, “Whatta pussy. I bet she hasn’t even found any of the dead cats in the freezer yet.”
• Korn announced that it will be cancelling the European leg of it’s tour due to frontman Jonathan Davis’recent bout with a blood disorder. A relieved Europe said, “Woo hoo! Thank you blood disorder!!!”
• Comic legend Jerry Lewis had a heart attack Sunday. The attack was described as minor, and Lewis is expected to recover fully. These situations can be extremely dangerous for comedy legends like Lewis, as it can take awhile for people to realize he is actually having a heart attack, and not just doing some of his “La LAAAA nice LADY!” schtick. A similar incident happened to Lucille Ball, and she died.
• MSNBC has cancelled Connie Chung & Maury Povich’s show. The couple, who have been laboring for years under the delusion that people still like them, could not be reached for comment. But if there are any home shopping network executives reading this, their agents are accepting offers.
• We got a little excited earlier this evening, thinking that NBC was gracing us with a second episode of My Name Is Earl. When it wasn’t funny, we checked the guide, and saw it was actually Britney Spears being interviewed on Dateline.
• The Bullets officially has World Cup fever! That means we turned on the USA vs Czech Republic game, watched for about 15 minutes, went to the kitchen for something to drink, got distracted on the way back & wandered away. We later saw on CNN that we got our asses handed to us. U S A!
• How dumb does Simon Cowell think we are? So dumb that we’ll watch The Gong Show again, but this time without the benefits of Chuck Barris’ on air psychotic breaks, The Unknown Comic, or Gene Gene the Dancing Machine. How dumb are we? So dumb we probably will.

Those are The Bullets, kids. We’re knocking off early this week so we can take the kids on a field trip to the newspaper! Enjoy!!!

Do you love me now that I can dance. Of course you don’t, because these twenty dances are screwing up America!

Aerobic Dancing: The last thing you want to do is make dancing people realize that they are exercising. Nice buzz-kill.

Air Guitar / Air Drum: Even more damaging to the reputation of the American male than toupees and high-fives.

Bunny Hop: Two people touching each other while dancing – fine. Thirty people touching each other while dancing – gross.

Fly Dancing: Stick your butt out, shake it, repeat. Are they enticing us to have sex or passing gas?

Head Banging: America is getting stupider by the day. Banging our heads is just speeding up our decline.

Lap Dancing: The dances are fine but the prices are getting to be outrageous.

Riding the Pony: Tries to look sexual but settles for ridiculous.

The Chicken Dance: Ruining American baseball games for over a generation.

The Egyptian: Responsible for at least two-dozen neck injuries over the past two decades.

The Hustle: Can a dance get any more arrogant and pretentious than this?

The Kung Foo: Deadly fighting moves are nothing to dance about.

The Macerena: One of the worst examples of hand dancing since Tiffany was banned from performing.

The Pogo: Jumping around suddenly became a dance. Once again, America lowers its standards.

The Robot: Robots are emotionless killing machines and should not be emulated. If you watch I Robot, you’ll know what I mean.

The Running Man / The Moon Walk: Two dances that will get you nowhere.

The Thriller: This Michael Jackson opus started the ugly trend of group dancing.

The Twist: How many displaced kneecaps does it take to kill this dance?

The Worm: How many of America’s young people have been crippled merely attempting The Worm?

YMCA: America’s greatest shame.

And here is someone kind enough to demonstrate our decline:

ARIES (Mar. 21—Apr. 20)
What have numbers done for you lately — especially the number five? Think about it. The number five rarely gets up off its butt and does anything for anybody. Don’t you dare be like the number five. Show a little spirit. Your lucky discount health product is the One Touch™ Can Opener.

TAURUS (Apr. 21–May 21)
Every day I get inundated with hundreds of requests to discover a new planet. Everyone thinks that the addition of a bold new planet will change all of the star alignments and give them the luck that they never had. I’ll tell you what. Don’t bother. No new planet is going to change your luck. You are a Taurus. Go make your own luck. Your lucky discount health product is the Wristech™ Watch-Style Blood Pressure Monitor.

GEMINI (May 22–June 21)
The difference between a lemon and a kayak is that a kayak can get you somewhere. Are you a kayak or a lemon? Take yourself out of the equation and listen instead to about six hours of country music. When you are done, ask yourself if your life is any better. If not, you might be a lemon. Your lucky discount health product is the Velform® Sauna Belt.

CANCER (June 22–July 22)
Sitting in an underground bunker waiting for a nuclear holocaust gives you time to think. When you have time to think you come up with ideas. I have had many good ideas over the years. I once thought of a way to make a bicycle weigh less that a human pinky. It was a good idea, except in the wind, when that bicycle actually turned out to be a kite. That kite won third price in the Thirty-Second Annual Westchester County kite festival, and I didn’t even enter. I, after all, was still in the bunker. I hope that is a lesson to you my friend. Your lucky discount health product is a Magnetic Bracelet

LEO (July 23—Aug. 22)
There is nothing quite like a shotgun wedding to clear your senses and make you take a fresh look at the world. I have been pretty hard on you for the past few weeks, Leo, but it is only because you are like a watermelon in an onion field. Anyway, as I was staring down the barrel of that gun, I asked myself if I ever give in to peer pressure. The answer, of course, is “I do”. By the way, it isn’t nearly as difficult to fly a crop duster as most people think. Your lucky discount health product is a pair of Memory Foam Insoles.

VIRGO (Aug. 23–Sept. 23)
Keep an eye on the microwave the next time you make popcorn. Feel the speed with which the corn starts to top. It goes faster and faster and then it starts to slow down. When is the exact moment at which you get the most popcorn without burning? Think about it, my Virgo friend. The answer will inform your business decisions this week. Your lucky discount health product is a Personal Sound Amplifier.

LIBRA (Sept. 24–Oct. 23)
You are being roped into your actions by a series of non-existent boundaries. These boundaries control everything you do, even when shaving. Think about the way you want your future to unfold. What real boundaries do you see? Those boundaries aren’t real my friend. They are all in your head. Take charge of your own boundaries before they make you look like a soap opera actor with a bad toupee. Your lucky discount health product is SuperKegal.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24–Nov. 22)
As you probably know, I am a spiritual advisor to many corporate vice-presidents. A surprising amount of them are Scorpios like you. They aren’t lazy or intellectually vacant, but they are Scorpios. You could be like them. Sure, you’ll need to change just about every aspect of your life, but you’ve been waiting to do that for a while anyway. Good luck. Your lucky discount health product is an Electric Callus Remover.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 23–Dec. 21)
I was pondering your star sign the other day while I was getting my weekly massage at the Joyful Finale Spa. It occurred to me that you have a lot of problems with relaxation. You are either too tense or too relaxed. Try to maintain a 1.7 tension to relaxation ratio for the next week. If you can do that, you can accomplish great things. Your lucky discount health product is an Ear Wax Remover.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22–Jan. 20)
The other day I was out buying a hair cutting umbrella when it occurred to me that Capricorns are having the strangest luck these days. You can’t seem to have something bad happen to you without something good following closely on its heels. This has got to have you twirling around like a soft foam bust pad in a cheap bra. Take heart my friend; you are in the yin and yang spin cycle and there is nothing you can do about it. Just relax and let the ride take you where it will. Your lucky discount health product is Leg Cramps Ointment.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 21–Feb. 19)
The other day I was out getting a DNA Paternity Test when it occurred to me that it isn’t always good to meet new people. Sometimes you need to stick with your old friends. In the spirit of that thought, I want you to call three friends you haven’t spoken to lately. Let them know you still care. Your lucky discount health product is a Gel Toe Spreader.

PISCES (Feb. 20–Mar. 20)
I sense that you have stopped looking both ways before crossing the street. While I applaud your sudden rush into living on the edge, I was thinking more along the lines of a road trip or possibly taking up rock climbing. I guess we’ll have to take what we can get though. Good luck with the street thing. Your lucky discount health product is Magnifying Tweezers.

It’s Tuesday night here in Summer TV Land… and that means no Scrubs. To help ease the pain, here are some of the best quotes from my hero, my idol… my god: Dr. Perry Cox.

• “Okay, think of what little patience I have as, oh, I don’t know, your virginity. You always thought it would be there, until that night Junior Year when you were feeling a little down about yourself and your pal Kevin, who just wanted to be friends, well, he dropped by and he brought a copy of About Last Night and a four-pack of Bartles & Jaymes and woo hoo hoo, it was gone forever – just like my patience is now.”
• “…And bam! The shine’s off the apple. And that’s when you find out that that pretty little girl you married isn’t a pretty little girl at all. No, she’s a man-eater. And I’m not talking about the “whoa-whoa, here she comes” kind of man-eater. I’m talking about the kind that uses your dignity as a dishtowel to wipe up any shreds of manhood that might be stuck inside the sink. Of course, I may have tormented her from time to time; but, honest to God, that’s what I thought marriage was all about. So much so that, by the end of that relationship, I honestly don’t know who I hated more – her or me? I used to sit around and wonder… why our friends weren’t trying to destroy each other, like we were. And here, it turns out, the answer’s pretty simple: They weren’t unhappy. We were.”
• “Oh, my God… I care so little, I almost passed out.”
• “The kid’s like… he’s like a… have you ever seen a drunk baby? Eh, it’s a long story involving my son, a rum cake, and a low counter. Suffice to say, it turns out that, at first, it’s… it’s endearing to watch them bounce off of the walls, but man… you take your eyes off them for one second and bam! They got a bucket on their head, and they’re plowing right through your brand new flat screen TV. God save me, it was barely out of the box. The point is… Newbie is my drunk baby.”
• “My God, Newbie, it’s been two furiously frustrating years – how is it possible that you still don’t get me? I would never compare you to the gays. I like the gays – I like their music, I like their sense of style, I especially like what they’ve done with Halloween – but our thing is that you are a little girl. That’s who you are.”
• “You’d better go ahead and enjoy this while you can, Bob, because if your evil genie goes ahead and grants your wish and I’m gone forever, then the only one you’re going to be able to contend with around here is yourself. And when you really get to know that person, oh, dear God, you’ll scream so loud that Satan will want to tear up that contract he made with you at birth just so he can get some sleep.”
• “You know, the only way you could be more useless right now is if you actually were the wall. Now, it certainly is true that you’d at least be serving a purpose – specifically a surface for a jackass to lean against – but it could be argued that this is more useless than doing nothing. I know, it’s a conundrum but don’t you worry, I’ll noodle it for you right here. Meanwhile, you just skip along, all right Shirley?”
• “Well, gosh – I guess I became a doctor because ever since I was a little boy, I just wanted to help people. I don’t tell this story often, but I remember when I was seven years old, one time I found a bird that had fallen out of its nest, and so I picked him up and I brought him home, and I made him a house out of an empty shoebox… (starts laughing) I became a doctor for the same four reasons that everybody does – chicks, money, power and chicks.”
• “Ah, sorry to interrupt you there, Bobbo, but I gotta ask you a quick question. Now, when you were born, nay, spawned, by the Dark Prince himself, did that rat bastard forget to give you a hug before he sent you along your way? Because you can’t just let two good nurses go on account of feeling small and insignificant. And besides, with your money, you ought to be able to keep a little man tucked away in the closet, and bring him out whenever you wanna knock him around, huh?”
• “You know, Bob, I’ve been thinking of all the times you manipulated me and toyed with me and I can’t help but recall that children’s fable about that race between the tortoise and the pain-in-the-ass-chief-of-medicine-that-everybody-hates. You see, Bob, the pain-in-the-ass-chief-of-medicine-that-everybody-hates kept running out in front of the tortoise and taunting him, but right at the end… oh, gosh I’m sure you remember what happened Bob, the tortoise bit clean through the Chief of Medicine’s calf muscle, dragged him to the ground, where he and all the other turtles devoured him alive right there on the racetrack. It’s a disturbing children’s book, Bob, I know, but it’s one that stuck with me nonetheless.”
• “Yes I did get your memo. At first I just threw it away, but then I thought, that’s not grand enough a gesture; so I made a model of you out of straw, put my lab coat on it – with your memo in the pocket – and invited the neighborhood kids to set fire to it and beat it with sticks.”
• “Lemme ask you a quick question: are you trying to make my head explode? Because you have no idea just how frustrating it is working your ass off trying to inflate a tiny little balloon inside somebody’s clogged artery when all that person has to do, really is – oh, I don’t know – go for a walk in the morning or choke down a fresh green salad. And you come back here looking like that? And, I know here, I know I’m supposed to be Dr. Give-A-Crap, but you wanna hear the God’s honest truth? And this is a fact: you are what you eat. And you clearly went out and devoured a big fat guy, didn’t ya?”
• “Newbie, if the next two words out of your mouth aren’t ‘See ya’ then the third word will be ‘Oh my god, my crotch, you’ve punched me in my crotch.’.”
• “Lassie, in response to the bestiality rumors circulating about you, I have decided to forgo calling you by the usual girl’s name, and instead I am going to refer to you as whatever famous dog I can think of. I have gone with Lassie because of course it satisfies the criteria of being both a girl’s and a dog’s name, thus helping you to ease into the transition.”
• “Turn around. You see Dr. Wen in there? He’s explaining to that family that something went wrong, and that the patient died. He’s gonna tell them what happened, he’s gonna say he’s sorry – and then he’s going back to work. Do you think anybody else in that room’s going back to work today? That is why we distance ourselves; that’s why we make jokes. We don’t do it because it’s fun. We do it so we can get by. And… sometimes because it’s fun. But mostly it’s the getting by thing.”
• “Listen Vanessa Janice Tiffany Amber Thiiiieeeesseeeeennnn… I’m gonna go ahead and give ya a little something I call “Perry’s Perspective.” 1. If the guy in front of me in the coffee shop can’t decide what he wants in the 30 minutes it takes for him to get to the register, i should be allowed to kill him. 2. I’m fairly sure that if they took all the porn off the Internet, there’d only be 1 website left, and it would be called Bring Back The Porn. 3rd, and most important, to be respected as a doctor, nay a man, you must me an ocean. You’re born alone, you damn sure die alone, (looks over and speaks to a cadaver rolling by) isn’t that right spike? My point is, and you may want to jot this down… only the weak need help.”
• “You know, Newbie, it’s so interesting — I found I couldn’t sleep last night, so, in order to pass the time, I started to make a list of things that annoy me more than you. Anyway, I came up with people who call Wednesdays “hump day” and, of course, all Sandra Bullock movies.”
• “Relationships don’t work the way they do on television and in the movies. Will they? Won’t they? And then they finally do, and they’re happy forever. Gimme a break. Nine out of ten of them end because they weren’t right for each other to begin with, and half of the ones who get married get divorced anyway, and I’m telling you right now, through all this stuff I have not become a cynic. I haven’t. Yes, I do happen to believe that love is mainly about pushing chocolate covered candies and, y’know, in some cultures, a chicken. You can call me a sucker, I don’t care, because I do believe in it. Bottom line: couples who are truly right for each other wade through the same crap as everybody else, but the big difference is they don’t let it take them down. One of those two people will stand up and fight for that relationship every time. If it’s right, and they’re real lucky, one of them will say something.”
• “I don’t want to hear anything out of that man’s mouth other than ‘Oh no, I’m dying… there’s a bright light… but wait a minute, this is wrong… I’m in hell! Hitler… Musollini… Captain Kangaroo? That’s not right…’.”
• “I don’t necessarily buy all this new-agey crap. One time I saw my mom knock my father unconscious with a frying pan. And d’you know what I did? I kept right on going with my birthday party.”
• “Fine, Newbie… Let me… let me tell you a little story. It starts every day at 5 in the morning — which is just about the time that you’re setting your hair for work — when I am awakened by a sound: Is that a cat being gutted by a fishing knife? Nooo! That’s my son. He’s hungry and he’s got a load in his pants so big that I’m actually considering hiring a stable boy. But, I go ahead and dig in; because I do love the lad and, well gosh, you know me, I’m a giver. And I’m off to the hospital, where my cup runneth over with both quality colleagues, such as yourself, and a proverbial clown-car full of sick people. But, what the hey, my pay is about the same as guys who break rocks with other rocks and I only have to work three or four hundred hours a week, so, so far I’m a pretty happy camper! And then I head back home where I’m greeted by the faint musk of baby vomit in a house that used to smell like, well…nothing! Nothing! Nothing! I-i-in fact it used to smell like nothing at all. And all I want to do before I restart this whole glorious cycle is, you know, maybe lay on the couch and have a beer and watch some SportsCenter and, I’m if I’m not too sweaty from the days labors, stick my hand right down my pants, buuut apparently that’s not in Jordan’s definition of “pulling your weight”.So, uh, there you are, superstar. Fix that.”
• “Lady, people aren’t chocolates. Do you know what they are mostly? Bastards. Bastard-coated bastards with bastard fillings. But I don’t find them half as annoying as I find naive bubble-headed optimists who walk around vomiting sunshine.”
• “First off, let me just say, thank you. For the last couple of months I have been adrift in a sea of puppy dogs, lollypops, and lets face it, mediocre metaphors. Luckily, you people were kind enough to piss all over learning a procedure that could determine whether some poor sucker lives or dies, and that reminded me of something that I wanted to remind you of. Because you see I am accountable. I am accountable for the continuous, crashing, undeniable amateurism that you people drag into this hospital day in and day out. And believe you me when I tell you that the next time one of you perpetual disappointments doesn’t even have the common decency to try and do better at something you supposedly do, I will go ahead and toss your sorry ass outa here in about ten seconds and then I will forget you forever in the next five.”
• “I was just now wondering if there was anything that could actually push my headache into a full blown migraine… and there you are.”

I don’t mind that VH1 mainly airs cheap clip shows like I Love the Eighties. I get the concept. You gather a few icons of a particular time or genre, you rope in a few comedians to make snarky comments and suddenly you have yourself a show. That’s fine, but if you are going to start ranking things and calling them the greatest you are going to start to piss people off, especially if your greatest list seems almost random. So here I present the ten worst rankings on the VH1 100 Greatest Teen Stars.

One – Phoebe Cates is ranked 55
What in the hell? Phoebe Cates should be in the top twenty or even the top ten. Why? Let’s look at the facts. Her big scene in Fast Times at Ridgemont High is more memorable than the entire careers of some of the people they have ranked higher. She was also in Gremlins, Shag, Date with an Angel, Private School for Girls and Paradise. As a teenage boy, I watched them all . . . alone. Do you remember how big a mini-series Lace was? How about Phoebe’s best line ever? Which one of you bitches is my mother?

Two – Shannen Doherty is Ranked 5
What in the hell? Shannen Dougherty in the top five? Nobody likes Shannen Doherty and nobody liked her when she was a teenager. Yes, she was in some high-profile projects, but she sucked in all of them. The only thing that keeps her in the spotlight at all is her appearances in the tabloids. She deserves to be on the list, but at best she should be in the top thirty. I don’t know anyone who would pick here for the top five.

Three – Corey Haim is Ranked 8 and Corey Feldman is ranked 25
What the hell? How can you rank one of these two guys significantly above the other? Most people can’t even tell them apart. Almost every successful movie they were in, they were in together. I’ll grant you that Lucas puts Haim above Feldmen, but they should be 24 and 25, not 8 and 25.

Four – Melissa Joan Hart is Ranked 91
What the Hell? Between Clarissa Explains It All and Sabrina, Melissa Joan Hart was on TV virtually every week from the age of 14 to 26, and she was still playing a teenager by the end of her run. That’s way more time at the top of her game than Shannen Dougherty, but for some reason you have her ranked down there with John Francis Daley, the geek from the short-lived Freaks and Geeks – it was a good show, don’t get me wrong, but it ran for one season and barely anyone saw it. Daley deserves to be in the bottom ten, but Hart should definitely be in the top fifty and at least one spot higher than Shannen Doherty.

Five – Tom Cruise is Ranked 38
What the Hell? Tom Cruise gets ranked one spot higher than Tracey Gold? Shall we review his career from 1981 to 1983? Endless Love, Taps, The Outsiders, Losin’ It, Risky Business and All the Right Moves. That, my friends, is one impressive resume and as we all know he was just getting started. I may have my differences with Tom Cruise today, but there is no doubt he deserves to be in the top twenty.

Six — Rob Lowe is Ranked 2
What the Hell? Rob Lowe is worthy of the top thirty, maybe even the top twenty, but number two? This guy played a teenager in at best four movies: The Outsiders, Hotel New Hampshire, Class and maybe Youngblood. None of those movies was the kind of hit that Tom Cruise’s Risky Business was. I’ll grant you that Lowe was successful at playing twentysomethings in movies like St. Elmo’s Fire, About Last Night…, Masquerade, and Bad Influence but he was far from the top of the male teenage heap. That honor probably should have gone to number six David Cassidy, who girls (and women) would faint at the mere sight of.

Seven – Tori Spelling is ranked 23
What the hell? Is this because she’s doing a show on VH1 now? Everyone knows that the only reason Tori even got on 90210 was because her father was the producer. Tori was unattractive and couldn’t act her way out of a sack. She belongs right about at number 41 with Jennie Garth (That’s where Shannen Doherty should be ranked as well).

Eight – Maureen McCormick is Ranked 86
What the hell? How does Marsha Freakin’ Brady rank 86? Marsha, Marsha Marsha!

Nine – Jimmy Baio Didn’t make the list
What the Hell? From the age of fifteen to the age of nineteen Jimmie Biao was living every teenage boy’s dream on Soap. If you thought Pacey Witter having sex with his teacher on Dawson’s Creek was controversial, you should be aware that Billy Tate had pulled that off on Soap all the way back in 1978. I’m not saying Jimmy is top ten material, but if William Zabka, whose only claim to fame is that he was the jerk in The Karate Kid gets to make the list, you have to make room for Jimmy Baio.

Ten – Joshua Jackson didn’t make the list
What the Hell? Speaking of Pacey Witter, how does Joshua Jackson not make the list? The idiots at VH1 managed to list Donavan Freberg, who never starred in anything better than a commercial, but Joshua Jackson doesn’t get a mention? While we are at it, where are Freddie Prinze Jr., Eric Stoltz, Robin Givens, Jodie Foster, Tatum O’Neal, Sara Gilbert and Drew Barrymore?

For your edification, and because VH1 doesn’t even bother to list them on their site, here are the VH1 100 Greatest Teen Stars:

1. Molly Ringwald
2. Rob Lowe
3. Britney Spears
4. Anthony Michael Hall
5. Shannen Doherty
6. David Cassidy
7. Winona Ryder
8. Corey Haim
9. River Phoenix
10. Matt Dillon
11. N’Sync
12. Alicia Silverstone
13. Michael J. Fox
14. Brooke Shields
15. Kirk Cameron
16. Donny Osmond
17. Sarah Michelle Gellar
18. Scott Baio
19. Lindsay Lohan
20. Debbie Gibson
21. Tiffany
22. John Cusack
23. Tori Spelling
24. Jennifer Love Hewitt
25. Corey Feldman
26. Joey Lawrence
27. The Backstreet Boys
28. Matthew Broderick
29. Leif Garrett
30. Alyssa Milano
31. Leonardo DiCaprio
32. Dustin Diamondl
33. Rick Schroder
34. Ally Sheedy
35. Jason Priestley
36. Willie Aames
37. Brandy
38. Tom Cruise
39. Tracey Gold
40. Andrew McCarthy
41. Jennie Garth
42. Irene Cara
43. Tiffani-Amber Thiessen
44. Shaun Cassidy
45. Zach Galligan
46. Christina Aguilera
47. Jason Bateman
48. Usher
49. Claire Danes
50. Kristy McNichol
51. Chad Allen
52. Neve Campbell
53. James Van Der Beek
54. Ilan Mitchell Smith
55. Phoebe Cates
56. Mackenzie Phillips
57. Melissa Sue Anderson
58. Mark Paul Gosselaar
59. Justine Bateman
60. Christina Applegate
61. Susan Dey
62. AJ Langer
63. Glenn Scarpelli
64. Christian Slater
65. Meredith Salenger
66. Will Smith
67. Hilary Duff
68. Lawrence Monoson
69. Jami Gertz
70. Helen Slater
71. Jennifer Jason Leigh
72. Jon Cryer
73. C. Thomas Howell
74. Lisa Bonet
75. Neil Patrick Harris
76. Christopher Atkins
77. Jason London
78. Brian Austin Green
79. Lynn Holly Johnson
80. Ralph Macchio
81. Sean Penn
82. Katie Holmes
83. Donavan Freberg
84. Ione Skye
85. Ralph Carter
86. Maureen McCormick
87. LL Cool J
88. Kenan Thompson
89. Nicole Eggert
90. Wilson Cruz
91. Melissa Joan Hart
92. Deborah Foreman
93. Jack Wild
94. John Francis Daley
95. Jessica Biel
96. Robert Romanus
97. William Zabka
98. Helen Hunt
99. Lee Curreri
100. Patrick Dempsey