AMM: Is Tara Reid Functionally Illiterate?

Mr Media,
I hear that Christin Slater is in talks to reprise his role as Edward Carnby in Alone in the Dark II. I think the original Alone in the Dark was the best movie based on an Atari game since Yar’s Revenge. My question is, will Tara Reid reprise her role as Aline Cedrac and is she functionally illiterate?
Barry, a Real Fan

BARF,
Tara Reid is not functionally illiterate. You are confused because the character she was playing in AITD, an archaeological scientist, was functionally illiterate. No, the character wasn’t written that way, as such, but Tara made the bold choice to play her that way and I think we are all energized by the experience. As for whether she will reprise her role, let’s just hope that Uwe Boll can come up with enough blow. Either way, I am looking forward to more scary lava dogs and lengthy exposition.

20 Ice Cream Flavors that are Screwing up America

There is a plot out there. It is a plot to ruin America. We all see it. We all know it. It is coming at us from all directions, even from our ice cream. Someone is trying to turn All-American ice cream into some sort of fancy gourmet dessert that saps us of our vital fluids. This list is just a warning. I need to be very clear. There are only five safe flavors: chocolate, vanilla, stawberry, pistachio and mint. Anything else is suspect.

1. Butter Pecan – Can you believe this is the third most popular flavor in the United States? It is obviously a plot by the left-wing nut-nuts.
2. Cherries Jubilee – OK, now this has got to be part of the homosexual agenda. No straight man could possibly order an ice cream with jubilee in its name.
3. Truffle – This is yet another example of the French plotting to destroy the American way of eating.
4. Pralines ‘n Cream – I don’t know what a praline is, I don’t know what a praline does, but I know it sounds un-American. It has got to be some kind of French thing. Screw you Frenchie!
5. Cherry Garcia – Why don’t we just take some mushrooms and smoke a doobie? Seriously, this flavor is an acid trip waiting to happen.
6. Half Baked – And here is another druggie flavor. This is a gateway ice cream and we all know it.
7. Nutty Coconut – OK, what is wrong with this picture? There are three regular nuts and coconut on top of that! Eating this is like chewing asphalt.
8. Vermont Blueberry – OK, blue ice cream just feels wrong. I don’t want any part of it.
9. Cinnamon – What the hell? Ice cream should not burn your tongue. Whoever thought of this is just plain sick in the head.
10. Russian Nesselrode – The cold war may be “over” but I for one am not eating anything with Russian in its name. Also, what in the name of all that is holy is a Nesselrode?
11. Dutch Chocolate – We don’t need the Dutch for anything, including chocolate. I’ll take some good old-fashioned American Chocolate thank you.
12. Turkish Coffee – Don’t they put heroin in Turkish coffee? Just what I need, coffee and a smack habit.
13. Orange Sherbet – Should sherbet even be considered ice cream? I don’t know but the whole thing makes me kind of leery. Also, look at that spelling. There’s no second R in sherbet. I am not going to eat an ice cream that the whole country mispronounces.
14. Burgundy Cherry – Alcoholism is nothing to joke about. What does this ice cream say to the youth of America? Nothing good, I can assure you.
15. Neapolitan – This ice cream is all about trying to please everybody. Pick a side. Either order chocolate, vanilla or strawberry. Don’t screw around trying to get them all. This is more French crapola.
16. Oatmeal Cookie Chunk – There is no crying in baseball and there are no grains in ice cream! This is just madness.
17. Peppermint Stick – There should be only one mint flavor in ice cream, and that flavor is mint. Peppermint just confuses people.
18. Chocolate Raspberry Truffle – This sounds like a wedding cake idea gone horribly wrong. Raspberry is about the worst berry on the planet. What is with the hard little seeds? Just say no!
19. Pistachio Almond – For some people I guess pistachio just wasn’t good enough. They had to put almonds in. Pistachio has always been just fine without another nut to help it out. Adding almonds says that pistachio cannot stand on its own, and I simply will not let anyone push pistachio around. Not on my watch comrade.
20. White Chocolate Chip – Chocolate chips are supposed to be black. Next thing you know they’ll be expecting me to eat black vanilla and yellow strawberry. How can we raise a nation of men on white chocolate chips?